Headgames

Headgames

Tom Furlough…..Phil Hartman
Eddie Furlough…..David Spade
Amanda Allen-Furlough…..Sally Field
Barbara Furlough…..Julia Sweeney

[ Music Open: “Head Games”, Foreignor” ]

Announcer: Like it or not, it’s time for “Headgames”! Here’s your host – Tom Furlough!

Tom Furlough: Hello! And welcome to “Headgames”! I’m Tom Furlugh, glad you could join us! Today’s “Headgame” contestants are: my son, Eddie Furlough; my ex-wife, Amanda Allen-Furlough; and, my new wife, Barbara Furlough. [ no response ] Isn’t anyone gonna say Hello?

Amanda Allen-Furlough: I.. I thought you didn’t want us to speak yet?

Tom Furlough: I don’t remember telling anyone that? I always thought is was customary, when a person’s glad to see someone, they say Hello.

Barbara Furlough: [ weakly ] I-I was about to say Hello.

Tom Furlough: Well, that doesn’t really count now, does it? Because.. the damage is done. [ changes gears ] Okay! Let’s move on! Here’s our rules: I’ll ask a question, you give the answer! The questions are simple, and our contestants should have no problem answering them, unless, of course.. they.. don’t.. really love me. Okay, let’s begin! The categories are: “As Long As You’re Happy”; “Is That What You’re Wearing Tonight?”; “I Admire Your Selfishness, I Really Do”; “I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You.” You like these categories, Eddie?

Eddie Furlough: Yeah, Dad..

Tom Furlough: Well, too bad, Eddie, because these categories aren’t for today’s show. Today’s categories are: “Where To Eat”; “That’s Not What I Said”; “What’s So Funny?”; and “If You Say So”. Amanda, you’re up first.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ looking at the board ] Uh.. I’ll take, um.. “What’s So Funny?”

Tom Furlough: Okay. The question is: “How do you change a flat tire?”

Amanda Allen-Furlough: Well, uh.. first you loosen the lugnuts. And then you jack up the car. And, then..

Tom Furlough: [ interrupts with a hearty laugh ]

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ annoyed ] What’s so funny? What are you laughing at?

Tom Furlough: [ quickly ] Nothing.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: Well, then.. why are you laughing at me?

Tom Furlough: I’m not laughing at you, you’re just being paranoid.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ angry as all get-out ] I am NOT!!

[ timer buzzer sounds ]

Tom Furlough: Time’s up! No points for you! [ laughs fiendishly ] Barbara, your turn!

Barbara Furlough: I’ll take “Where to Eat”!

Tom Furlough: Okay, Barbara. Very simple. Pick a place for us to eat.

Barbara Furlough: Uhh.. what are you in the mood for?

Tom Furlough: Anything. I don’t care.

Barbara Furlough: How about Humberto’s?

Tom Furlough: Oh, I hate that place. But, if you want to eat there – fine.

Barbara Furlough: I don’t want to go there, I’m just suggesting a place.. you said you didn’t care!

Tom Furlough: Well.. I assumed you wouldn’t pick a place that I hate.

Barbara Furlough: Well, uh.. how about Hunan Kitchen?

Tom Furlough: I guess if you like it there.. but I may not join you.

Barbara Furlough: [ exasperated ] Well.. where do you want to go..?

Tom Furlough: I said I don’t care! Could you just pick a place? It’s not that difficult!

[ timer buzzer sounds ]

Tom Furlough: Al-right! Time’s up! No points for you! [ laughs fiendishly ] Eddie, your turn! Pick any category you like! [ Eddie appears distracted ] Eddie!

Eddie Furlough: [ breaking free of his daze ] Oh.. okay.. um.. I’ll take.. “If You Say So”.

Tom Furlough: [ disgusted ] That’s the category you’re picking?

Eddie Furlough: [ confused ] Yeah. What’s wrong?

Tom Furlough: Nothing. I just assumed you were mature enough to pick a category on your own.

Eddie Furlough: I am mature enough..

Tom Furlough: And that’s the category you want, you’re sure?

Eddie Furlough: [ unsure ] Yes? [ trying to be cautiously naive ] Or.. I could pick a different one, if that’s what you want..

Tom Furlough: Son, are you trying to embarrass me?

Eddie Furlough: [ afraid ] No-oh..! What did I do, Dad..?

Tom Furlough: [ sternly ] I think you know.

[ suddenly, loud sirens sound ]

Tom Furlough: Okay! There’s our “Headgames” siren! You know what that means!

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ excited ] No! No! What does it mean?

[ sirens dissolve to quiet ]

Tom Furlough: Nothing.. it’s just a siren, it makes noise. [ shakes his head with a smile ] Anyway, let’s move along! It looks like no one has any points, so we have a three-way tie! I’d better see what the judges say.

[ Tom leans in to speak with the judges, as they all begin to laugh and point at the contestants with sheer amusement ]

Tom Furlough: Definitely! Definitely!

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ curious, and unable to resist ] Well.. well, what did they say?

Tom Furlough: Nothing.

Amanda Allen-Furlough: Well, you were over there talking with them! And they pointed at us! They-they must have said something!

Tom Furlough: [ shakes his head ] No. Nothing. Does everything have to be about you? [ back in game mode ] Okay! No one got any questions right, which must mean that, once again.. none of you.. love me. Okay, uh.. I guess our winner is.. [ considering the choices ] My ex-wife Amanda!

[ dinger sounds ]

Barbara Furlough: [ outraged ] What?! That doesn’t make any sense!

Eddie Furlough: [ equally outraged ] Why’s she the winner?

Tom Furlough: Well, I guess that means either.. I love Amanda the most.. or, I hate her the most.. or, both.. uh.. it could also be that I can only hurt her the way I do because I care for her so much – or not. [ laughs ] Anyway, Amanda, you’re our winner! Are you ready to play our final round?

Amanda Allen-Furlough: [ excited ] You bet!

Tom Furlough: Well, that’s too bad, because there is no final round! [ laughs ]

Amanda Allen-Furlough: You bastard!

Tom Furlough: [ still laughing ] Yeah! See you next week on “Headgames”!

[ cue title card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts