Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 9
(all voices by Mike Judge)
Milton: (on the phone) And then I filled out another time sheet for overtime and I never received a check. And then —
Receptionist: Excuse me, sir? I’m gonna transfer you to accounts payable, okay?
Milton: Um — w-w-well — n-n-no — well, but — I’m gonna — okay —
(Ray enters the room)
Ray: Hey Milton, can I borrow your Thomas Register for a minute?
Milton: W-well … I loaned it to Bill last week and he never brought it back. And … and then I needed it for the AIUDCP project and I had to go get it.
Ray: Where is it, down here? (He sees a book on the shelf with the name “Thomas Register”)
Milton: So … I would prefer not to loan it out.
Ray: Oh. Here it is. Thanks. (He takes it off the shelf and walks out the door with it)
Milton: W-well … okay, but … if you don’t bring it back, I’ll tell Bill it was stolen. A-and I could have you fired. W-well … I mean … I’m gonna put strychnine in the coffee. (picks nose)
(Bill Lumbergh and Ray are overheard from within the building, but not seen)
Bill: Oh, uh, Ray?
Bill: Are you using Milton for anything right now?
Ray: Uh, nope. He’s all yours.
Bill: Great. Thanks. Oh, and uh, do you think that (whispers something)
Ray: Uh huh. (they exchange whispers)
Bill: Uh huh. Yeah, yes, I know. Okay, thanks a bunch.
Ray: All right, see ya.
Bill: Buh-bye. (enters Milton’s office) Oh. Hello Milton. What’s happening? Um …
Milton: W-w-well, I was told that I could receive overtime on the AIUDCP project and …
Bill: (inhales through teeth) Ooooh, that’s gonna be kinda tight on the overtime …
Milton: B-but I was told that they —
Bill: (inhales through teeth) Yeaah, we’re really short on billable hours.
Milton: Well —
Bill: (looks at watch) In fact, I’m gonna need you to go ahead and take the rest of the day off.
Milton: Mm — but —
Bill: So ah, if you could just go ahead and clock out as soon as possible, that would be terrific. M’kay?
Milton: Well … okay, but …
Bill: Oh, and ah, if you could just kinda go over those AIUDCP files at home tonight, that would be great. M’kay?
Milton: Well —
Bill: Thanks a bunch, Milton. Buh-bye. (walks away)
Milton: Mm — but — well — okay, but — I could have you killed. (picks nose)
(Theme music resumes. Cut to sign: “TO BE CONTINUED”)
Submitted by: The G Man