Pious Housewife


Pious Housewife

Tina…..Sally Field
Darrell…..Kevin Nealon
Jesus…..Phil Hartman

[ open on suburban household, kitchen, as housewife Tina readies ehr daughter’s lunch for school ]

Tina: [ overzealous in all activities of her day ] Alright, darling! Now, you have a real good day at school! But.. let’s pray first. [ they drop to their kness beside the island ] Dear, Sweet Jesus: please be with Blair today in school. Help her with her Algebra test. Praise be Your name.

Together: For you are the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory forever and ever. Amen!

[ Husband Darrell enters kitchen, seeming anxious to leave for work ]

Darrell: Praise the Lord! [ laughs sardonically ] How’s my little girl? all ready to go?

Daughter: Yep!

Tina: Now, should we pray for you at the office, and your big meeting today, before you go?

Darrell: Oh, didn’t we just do that when I got out of the shower?

Tina: Well..

Darrell: Why don’t you pray.. that we’re not late for Blair’s bus!

Tina: [ laughs ]

Darrell: Come on, we gotta go!

Tina: Okay, I love you!

Daughter: Bye, Mommy! Jesus loves you!

Tina: [ laughs ]

Darrell: I love you! Goodbye!

Tina: Goodbye! Praise Him! Call me!

Darrell: Alright.

[ Darrell and daughter exit; Tina drops back on her knees to continue praying ]

Tina: Dear, Sweet Jesus: Hear me. Turn your continence toward Blair and Darrell, as he stops the car and then he drives out on the street.. then to 161, and smiles on them, would you, please? All the way to the Franklin Overpass, where Blair catches her bus. [ stands, then realizes she forgot something and quickly drops back on her knees ] Oh! Oh! Dear Jesus: Thank you for bringing Luke and Laura back onto General Hospital.. and please be with them as they battle that old Frank Smith and his evil schemes!

[ full shot, as Jesus materializes in the kitchen in the foreground near Tina ]

Tina: JESUS!!

Jesus: Yes, Tina! I am He, your Savior.

Tina: [ excited ] Oh! Oh! I’m your servant! Oh! Oh! Je-sus! Oh-h! Oh, I-I love you so much!

Jesus: I appreciate that, Tina. Rise. Rise, and look at me.

Tina: [ jumps to her feet, unable to control her excitement ] Oh-ho-ho.. glory be to You and the Highest! I pray to you all the time! [ laughs chipperly ]

Jesus: [ rolls his eyes with a sigh ] I know.. That’s why I’ve come to talk to you. Shall we sit down?

Tina: Okay! Oh, I’m filled with gladness! I am filled with it! I’m just filled! [ nervous laughter ] My heart is singing!

[ they sit at the kitchen table, as Jesus lifts a plate to examine it, mock amusement as he discovers his image on the plate ]

Tina: Yes! I-I got this at Heritage USA!

Jesus: Uh-huh.. uh-huh..

Tina: Happy Day! Oh!

Jesus: Tina..

Tina: Yes?

Jesus: I listen to everyone’s prayers, and each prayer is answered in its own way..

Tina: Yes?

Jesus: And I was wondering.. if you would try.. to not pray so much?

Tina: Well.. well, now I-I.. I thought you liked me to pray? As much as possible?

Jesus: [ thinking in delicate terms ] How shall I put this..? If you could concentrate oyur prayers on just the most important things.. you know.. life and death, temptation.. and save the prayers like, “Dear Jesus: Be with me as I vacuum the stairs..” or, “Dear Jesus: Fill me with your spirit as I sponge off the slipcovers.” Things like that.. [ smiling ] It would just make things a lot simpler, Tina.

Tina: [ near tears ] You-you mean that I.. I shouldn’t have asked you to help Blair with her Algebra test?

Jesus: Uh.. no.. actually.. Algebra’s going to be very important to Blair later on. That’s actually okay.

Tina: Then.. what? I’m confused! I’m confused now, I am! [ starts to cry ]

Jesus: Tina.. Tina.. all I’m saying is, prayers like, “Please don’t let the rice get sticky.” You know.

Tina: Yeah! Yeah!

Jesus: I mean, do you really need My help with stuff like that? See?

Tina: [ crying profusely into her apron ] I’m very, very sorry..! I guess I was just wasting your time..! I certainly wish you had told me about this sooner..!

Jesus: Well, I thought about it, and I decided to finally say something..

Tina: Oh, God, I’m so embarrassed..!

Jesus: Well, believe me, there are a billion people with the same problem! [ chuckling ]

Tina: [ covering her face with her apron, ashamed to face Jesus or be seen by him ] Just.. don’t look at me, now! Just don’t look at me!

Jesus: [ realizing the error of his ways ] You know what? This was a mistake. [ pause ] Can we just forget this ever happened?

Tina: [ annoyed ] Can I forget?! Can I forget the day that Jesus walked right into my kitchen?!

Jesus: Here.. Tina.. we’re just going to go back in a time a few minutes. [ stands, takes Tina’s hand ] You stand over here.. I’m going to leave you where you were before I appeared.

Tina: [ drying her tears ] Well-well, what are you gonna do?

Jesus: I’m going.. back to Heaven?

Tina: And I’m going with you?

Jesus: [ chuckles ] No. You’re not.

Tina: [ stops crying abruptly ] Oh, well I’m not going to Heaven, then?!

Jesus: [ sorry he ever came down for the visit ] Yes! But not with me. Not just now.

Tina: [ desperately pleading ] But, Jesus..!

[ Jesus stands where he was when he materialized into the kitchen, then just as quietly disappears ]

Tina: [ stands in front of the island, bows down and prays ] Dear Jesus: Please be with Luke and Laura, as they battle Frank Smith’s awful, evil schemes. [ pause ] Please don’t let the garbage disposal and all the..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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