Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Dr. Jack Kevorkian

Dr. Jack Kevorkian … Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, gray-haired Dr. Jack Kevorkian, wearinga white lab coat, sits in an easy chair next to anapparatus that resembles his famous Suicide Machineand soberly addresses the camera with his slightMichigan accent.]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: Well, the holidays are uponus again and that can mean only one thing — adramatic increase in suicides. [sudden grin] Hi! I’mDr. Jack Kevorkian! [SUPER: DR. JACK KEVORKIAN,applause] You know, after I introduced my SuicideMachine two years ago, I got a flood of lettersthanking me. But I also received letters like thefollowing.

[picks up a letter, unfolds it, and reads aloud] “Hey,Dr. Kevorkian, your machine is great for people withpainful terminal illness. [looks up from letter, grinsinto the camera for a moment, then continues reading]But what about me? I’m just an average guy who usessuicide as a cry for help, a desperate plea forattention.” [sets letter aside]

Well, that got me thinking. I went back to the drawingboard [rises from chair and walks behind nearbyapparatus] and now I’m so proud to introduce my newproduct — The Suicide Attempt Machine. … Here’s howit works. After you’ve hooked yourself up, simply turnthis valve and a solution of potassium chloride isreleased into your bloodstream. [turns valve under oneof three IV bags filled with clear solutions] It’s nota large enough dose to prove lethal — but you’re theonly one that has to know that. While you lieunconscious, the machine is still working, alertingthe authorities to your condition.

[Pan down to reveal that under the IV bags is a taperecorder and a telephone hooked up to a modem – thetouch-tone phone dials “911” – phone rings once -operator picks up]

911 Operator: [female voice answers calmly]Nine-one-one.

Pre-recorded Male Voice: [awkwardly punctuatedby a computerized male voice] Please come quickly to –Three-one-seven – Woodland – Terrace. Somethingterrible has happened! I think – Bill -McIntyre – has killed himself.

[Pan back up to Dr. Kevorkian who grinscreepily.]

Dr. Jack Kevorkian: When they find you, you’llbe hooked up to something that looks just like myfamous Suicide Machine. It’ll seem pretty hopeless.But guess what? You’ll pull through! [heads back tohis seat] People will begin to take you and yourproblems seriously. And you’ll live out your life withdignity. [sits] So order now. And, maybe this year,what they’ll find under the Christmas tree – isyou!

[Applause as we fade out on a grinning Dr.K.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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