Adam Sandler’s Christmas Song
[ open on Adam Sandler at center stage with a guitar ]
Adam Sandler: Well, it’s the holiday season, and Santa is checking his list to see who is naughty or nice, and I’m feeling kinda guilty, so I wrote a song:[ singing ]“So many presents,
so little time.
Santa won’t be coming by my house this year
‘Cause I tried to drown my sister and I pierced my ear.
Oh Mama made it perfectly clear
Santa don’t like bad boys.
Especially Jewish ones!
Gnip Gnop and lego blocks are what I desire
So why did I have to set the pizza guy’s hair on fire?
I told him I was sorry – I’m a liar,
So no toys for me
I don’t deserve them!
I couldn’t wait for a Big Wheel as the holiday neared,
But then I told my Grandma that she had a beard.”
Dear Santa: You know what my problem is? Why I can’t be good? It’s a fear of intimacy. You see, my whole life, whenever I met someone really great like you, and I keep feeling I’m getting too close to them, something inside of me makes me want to screw it up. So in a weird way, the reason I’m so bad is because I love you so much, Santa.[ singing ]“Rock ’em Sock’ em Robots is what I was hoping for,
But then I made a death threat to Vice-President Gore,
Oh, Santa won’t be knocking at my door
‘Cause he’s a big fat whore!
What made me say that?!
Chutes and Ladders would be so good indeed,
So why did I have to sell that cop a bag of weed?
So Santa, please give me my Easy-Bake oven,
I swear I thought Billy Goats were made for lovin’.
So Santa, won’t you accept my apologies?
Santa, can’t you see, I’m begging you please?
Oh Santa, next year I’ll do you right,
Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.