Coffee Talk


Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
…..Richard Simmons

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. The big news is that I Linda Richman, saw Barbra Joan Streisand in concert in Las Vegas, Nevada. She was so beautiful, and her voice was like buttah. But wait, it gets better. She invited me on stage. Hand to God, I was on stage with Barbra Streisand. It was just like when Merv Griffin used to invite Mrs. Miller up from the audience. Now I’m getting a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: a Thighmaster is neither a thigh nor a master. Discuss! There I feel better. Let’s go the phones. The number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk, no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello Linda. You saw Barbra in Vegas. Did you do any gambling?

Linda Richman: Are you kidding? I played the slots so much I think I have carpel tunnel syndrome. I can’t even open a door. I was hoping that Robert Redford would offer me a million dollars but instead a dry cleaner from Newark asked me to move over. Evidently I put on some weight. I’ve been trying so hard. I’m at my wit’s end. (doorbell rings) Who is it?

Voice of Richard Simmons: It’s me Richard Simmons!

Linda Richman: Richard Simmons, Come in I love you!

[ Richard Simmons runs onto the set ]

Richard Simmons: Linda you look wonderful.

Linda Richman: Start!

Richard Simmons: Linda I’m so jealous. You were on stage with Barbra Streisand. What was she like?

Linda Richman: Oy God. She’s a pistil in my scheinel ponnum. A scheina cup. Mitin drinin dura hommelginnum homelmitzvah etzel betzel tookel hyam yenkel sem out my kyahh.

Richard Simmons: That’s what I thought.

Linda Richman: Exactly.

Richard Simmons: Linda, that’s not the only reason I came to visit you. I thought you looked so beautiful on that stage.

Linda Richman: Thank you Richard.

Richard Simmons: And it makes me so verklempt to see those extra pounds under those cute little pants.

Linda Richman: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Richard Simmons: Linda, look at me. Be honest. It’s you holding the fork.

Linda Richman: Richard, you have ibbaboodled in the cappie.

Richard Simmons: Linda you know I’m right.

Linda Richman: You’re right Richard. Please help me.

Richard Simmons: You know I’ve sold a lot of Deal-a-Meals, and helped people. So I made a deal that is more motivating to you. Deal-a-Streisand.

Linda Richman: Deal-a-Streisand?

Richard Simmons: (sings) Linda can you hear me? Linda can you hear me?

Linda Richman: Anything please just help me.

Richard Simmons: (sings) I’ll show you how to live not eating candy you’ll be a ball of buttah. Just turn the card around and use them now.

Linda Richman: Can I still eat Italian?

Richard Simmons: (sings) People. People who eat pizza have the highest cholestrol in the world.

Linda Richman: What about dessert?

Richard Simmons: Dessert? (sings) I can’t bring you blincent anymore!

Linda Richman: I’ve been eating so many desserts. I feel a little guilty.

Richard Simmons: There’s nothing to be guilty of.

Linda Richman: I just remember when I couldn’t eat anything. Anything.

Richard Simmons: (sings) Memories. Wipe the cream off Apple Pie. Don’t need those extra calories. Kiss the fat goodbye.

Linda Richman: Thank you Richard you made me feel so much better.

Richard Simmons: But Linda remember something: (sings) Happy days are here again. The sky above is clear again. So let’s sing a song about happy thighs.

Linda Richman: Boom Boom Boom.

Richard Simmons: Happy Tooshes.

Linda Richman: Boom Boom Boom.

Richard Simmons: Happy neck.

Both: Boom Boom Boom. Happy days are here again.

Linda Richman: That’s all the time we have. Thank you Richard.

Both: Barbra, we love you!

(scene fades)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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