SNL Transcripts: Jason Patric: 01/08/93: The Road To Self-Improvement


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 19: Episode 10

93j: Jason Patric / Blind Melon

The Road To Self-Improvement

Don LaPre….David Spade
Kevin….Jason Patric
Mark….Tim Meadows
White Girl….Melanie Hutsell
Black Girl….Ellen Cleghorne
Overweight kid….Chris Farley
Death Row Inmate….Phil Hartman

Caption: The following program is a paid advertisementbut if you think it’s a real show then who’s to sayyou’re wrong. Go with your instincts and don’t letanyone tell you what a “real” show is.

[Pleasant music theme. Don LaPre is enthusiaticallytalking with his friend Kevin in a homely kitchen overcoffee]

Announcer: And now it’s time to journey down The Roadto Self Improvement with your host Don LaPre.

Don LaPre: Hi, I’m Don LaPre and I have a question foryou. Do you find that sometimes there’s not enoughhours in the day to do all the things you want?

[Kevin is kinda slow]

Kevin: Yes, sometimes but not that often cause I don’t have a job.

Don LaPre: Well, in general, don’t you think it’s safeto say that most people run into a time-constraintproblem sometime in their lives?

Kevin: Yeah, sure.

Don LaPre: That’s right. And it’s easy to fix. It’seasy to do. With my system you’ll save so much timesoon you’ll be saying ‘Airport, Shmairport’.

Kevin: Why–why would I say that?

Don LaPre: You know, like, if you were late for theairport and you didn’t care because you wouldn’t belate for the airport or anything else in life becauseyou’ll have so much extra time.

Kevin: That sounds great. What do I do?

Don LaPre: Slow down, Kevin. Tell me something, if youwere walking down the street and you saw a door with asign on that said, “Behind this door lies wealth,fortune and happiness”. Would you want a key to thatdoor?

Kevin: Sure.

Don LaPre: But what if there wasn’t a lock on thatdoor and yet it still wouldn’t open. What would you do then?

Kevin:[unsure]Uh,I’d try to open it?

Don LaPre: But what if you didn’t even know the doorexisted?[blank look on Kevin]Ok,I’m losing you. Forgetthat. There is a door and I’m the key to opening it.Isn’t it exciting? My system in saving time is easy tofollow. Anyone can do it.

Kevin: But I’m mildly retarted.

Don LaPre: So am I. So are most people. It doesn’tmatter. My system is easy to use because all you do isabbreviate or shorten the words that you use in everyday life.

Kevin: I still don’t follow.

Don LaPre: Ok, I’ll slow down. Let’s say I used thissentence. “Hey, ‘Kev’. I just got back from my ‘vacay’in Hawaii and I’m feeling a bit under the ‘weath’ soI’ll fill you with the ‘detes’ later”. Now how longdid it take me to say that?

[Kevin looks for a second to his watch]

Kevin: 11 seconds.

Don LaPre: Exactly. Because I shortened the words.Saying it the old-fashioned-way would’ve taken upto…14 seconds. But if you talk my way all the timeyou’ll have extra hours at night to study, read orenjoy your favorite cd. It’s that simple.

Kevin: But this system may take years to learn.Shortening words? I’m still confused.

Don LaPre: Don’t change the ‘sub’. I’m here to tellyou this system is incred-ible.

Kevin: Ohh, I see. At first I was having a little’troub’ but now I get it.

Don LaPre: Hey, slow down, Kevin. Don’t turn the’tabes’ on me. It’s still my show.[Forcedlaughter]Kevin, once you paid and listened to all ofthe 5 tapes of this system you’ll be able to ‘abbrev’any words in your ‘vocab’. Watch.

[Cut to suave, handsome black guy in a gym]

Mark: Not only does shortening words saves time but itmakes the ladies ‘H to T’–Hot to Trot. Watch this,Don.[A black girl and a white girl appear. Don holdsthem one on each arm]Hey, ladies. Did you hear the newDoobie Brothers album went ‘Quad Plat’?

Black Girl: Ooohhh. He means quadruple platinum.

Mark: Yeah, you know, I used to have a girlfriend in’Calif’ but I couldn’t handle a long ‘d-relath’.

White Girl: You’re as cool as they come, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, come on ladies. We’re ‘hist’.

[Back to Don, Kevin holds up cup]

Kevin: I’m sold.

Don LaPre: And mom, the kids will love it!

[Cut to overweight kid in a park]

Overweight kid: Supercalifragilisticexpialidoch—-hahahahaha, I’mgonna use my extra time to play Legos! Yay!

[Back to Don]

Kevin: But I don’t know how to play Lego.

Don LaPre: It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to knowhow to play Lego. You can spend you’re extra timedoing anything you want. Look.

[Cut to death row inmate in prison]

Death Row Inmate: Next month I’m gonna be executed by’Leth Injects’. So every minute counts. Thanks, Don.And by the way, ‘Airport Schmairport’.

[Back to Don who gives a thumbs up]

Kevin: Don, I don’t see how anyone can pass up thisamazing system. It sells itself.

Don LaPre: Well Kev, unfortunately it doesn’t. Sofolks, make a call to the number on your screen andI’ll se you again tomorrow night at 2 a.m. Buh-bye.

[Don gives a thumbs up and keeps talking to Kevin] [Pleasant theme music]

Caption: The Road to Self Improvement. $49.95 for 5tapes. 1-600-Sav-Time.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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