Gap Girls At The Mall


Gap Girls At The Mall

Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Boss…..Chris Farley
Missy…..Sara Gilbert
Tammy…..Rob Schneider

Lucy: Hurry up and munch those fries, we’ve got to get back to work soon! [ smirks ]

Kristy: Oh, no.. I can’t fold anymore, my hands are killing me! I think I’m getting that Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.

Lucy: You don’t have it – you can only catch it from a computer.

Kristy: Well.. it’s definitely some sort of a syndrome.

Lucy: Maybe you’re getting Cheesball Syndrome, from folding all those cheesy sweaters we just got in!

[ they laugh like cats ]

Kristy: No joke! I’m so sick of that palce! The next customer that comes in, I’m gonna go, “Hi! Welcome to the Gap! Can I sell you some crap?”

Lucy: [ giggles ] I dare you!

[ the Boss enters the Food Court, and sits with the Gap Girls ]

Boss: Hey, girls! Did I miss anything?

Lucy: Nothing. Kristy’s being stupid again!

Boss: Hey, that reminds me – I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson likes shopping at K-Mart, ’cause.. there was a sale! [ laughs ]

Lucy: You scrwed it up, Dumbo! He went shopping at K-Mart, ’cause he heard little boys’ pants were half-off.

Boss: Aw, that’s right..

Lucy: He’s so out of it, he’s a freak!

Kristy: [ alarmed ] That’s not fair! You guys are already convicted him! All of his charges are based on hearsay and contenture! It’s all circumstantial, anectodal evidence!

Lucy: What?

Kristy: I’m just telling you what I heard.

Lucy: Do you even know what those words mean?

Kristy: No! [ laughs ]

Boss: You guys have been watching too much Court TV!

Kristy: I know.. have you been following the Mennondendez Trial?

Boss: Yeah! Did you see their lawyers hair?

Lucy: Oh, my God! She’s guilty of a bad perm!

Boss: Really. I ob-ject! I mean, it’s like being represented by Sammy Hagar!

Kristy: Hey, which one of the brothers got his thing cut off?

Lucy: Um.. I think that’s the older one.. [ grbs handful of fries ] God, I love these fries!

Boss: [ laughing ] If you love’ em so much, why don’t you marry ’em! [ eats some fries ] Can I have some?

Lucy: Um.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..

Boss: [ munches away ] These are good!

Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?

Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?

Boss: [ grabs Lucy’s collar ] Lay off, man, I’m STARVING! [ pause ] Diet starts Monday!

[ Tammy and Missy enter from the Donut Hut ]

Missy: Oh, look, Tammy, it’s the Gap Girls, and they’re eating. What a surprise!

Tammy: So, Kristy, you still going out with that a-hole Paul?

Kristy: [ silently ] Maybe..

Lucy: No way! You said you were gonna blow him off!

Kristy: I know.. but you guys don’t understand him..

Missy: I understand – he’s a loser! You’ve got to get rid!

Lucy: Ya, and he’s so mean to you. Doesn’t he always tell you you look like you’ve slept on your face?

Kristy: Yeah.. but he’s just really honest.

Missy: Well, what about when you reminded him that he owes you $600, and he punched you in the neck?

Kristy: Well, he’s just really sensitive – he’s a Cancer.

Lucy: [ weepy-wyed ] Kristy, listen to yourself! I hate to see this happen to you! You’re my best friend!

[ everyone tries not to laugh ]

Boss: Really, Kristy. Give him the keys to the street, and do it tonight!

[ Four Days Later ] [ Tammy and re-enter the Food Court to almost identical positions ]

Tammy: So, Kristy, still going out with that a-hole Paul?

Kristy: I can’t believe we’re all wearing the same thing we did four days ago!

Lucy: No, we aren’t!

Kristy: Trust me – we are. Anyway, I told Paul to haul ass!

Missy: More like he told you!

Kristy: Not even. He came over, and I went to get the mail, and when I came back, and I was all, “Did you use my phone to call a girl?” And he was all, “No!” So I picked it up, and I hit redial, and, lo and behold.. [ imiiates dialing noise ] “Hello?” I’m all, “You’re busted, sweetie.. and so are you, Paul! GET OUT!!

Lucy: Wow! you are the queen of phone trickery!

Missy: So, how are those fries Kristy? Trying to put a little chunk in your trunk?

Kristy: Me? You’re the one looking a little loose in the caboose – you Donut Hut slut!

[ everyone oohs ]

Boss: Yeah, Missy! You’re so dumb.. when they were passing out brains, you thought they said “Trains”.. and then, you got on it.. on a train, then went for a ride!

Missy: That didn’t even make sense!

Boss: Shut up!

Missy: Whatever!

Kristy: Really, whatever!

Tammy: Whatever!! Have fun making minmum wage, girls!

[ Tammy and Missy turn and exit ]

Kristy: You, too.. creep.

Lucy: Geez.. those two are always..

Kristy & Lucy: O.T.R.!

Boss: [ gasps ] you two are terrible!

[ they laugh as the scene zooms out to fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Big Bertha
Big Bertha
3 years ago

The last line should be “O.T.R.” meaning “on the rag.”

3 years ago

Some of Lucy and Kristy’s lines are switched. Kirsty is the one who tells the boss she told the joke wrong. Lucy is the one sticking up for Michael jackson and talks about the “Mennondendez” trial. And Kristy is the one that makes fun of their lawyer’s hair and is the one who let’s the boss have some fries and asks about her trying to lose weight. It’s just that sections where the characters are switched.

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