Gap Girls At The Mall
Lucy…..Adam Sandler
Kristy…..David Spade
Boss…..Chris Farley
Missy…..Sara Gilbert
Tammy…..Rob Schneider
Lucy: Hurry up and munch those fries, we’ve got to get back to work soon! [ smirks ]
Kristy: Oh, no.. I can’t fold anymore, my hands are killing me! I think I’m getting that Carpet Tunnel Syndrome.
Lucy: You don’t have it – you can only catch it from a computer.
Kristy: Well.. it’s definitely some sort of a syndrome.
Lucy: Maybe you’re getting Cheesball Syndrome, from folding all those cheesy sweaters we just got in!
[ they laugh like cats ]
Kristy: No joke! I’m so sick of that palce! The next customer that comes in, I’m gonna go, “Hi! Welcome to the Gap! Can I sell you some crap?”
Lucy: [ giggles ] I dare you!
[ the Boss enters the Food Court, and sits with the Gap Girls ]
Boss: Hey, girls! Did I miss anything?
Lucy: Nothing. Kristy’s being stupid again!
Boss: Hey, that reminds me – I have a joke: I heard Michael Jackson likes shopping at K-Mart, ’cause.. there was a sale! [ laughs ]
Lucy: You scrwed it up, Dumbo! He went shopping at K-Mart, ’cause he heard little boys’ pants were half-off.
Boss: Aw, that’s right..
Lucy: He’s so out of it, he’s a freak!
Kristy: [ alarmed ] That’s not fair! You guys are already convicted him! All of his charges are based on hearsay and contenture! It’s all circumstantial, anectodal evidence!
Lucy: What?
Kristy: I’m just telling you what I heard.
Lucy: Do you even know what those words mean?
Kristy: No! [ laughs ]
Boss: You guys have been watching too much Court TV!
Kristy: I know.. have you been following the Mennondendez Trial?
Boss: Yeah! Did you see their lawyers hair?
Lucy: Oh, my God! She’s guilty of a bad perm!
Boss: Really. I ob-ject! I mean, it’s like being represented by Sammy Hagar!
Kristy: Hey, which one of the brothers got his thing cut off?
Lucy: Um.. I think that’s the older one.. [ grbs handful of fries ] God, I love these fries!
Boss: [ laughing ] If you love’ em so much, why don’t you marry ’em! [ eats some fries ] Can I have some?
Lucy: Um.. sure, Cindy, go ahead..
Boss: [ munches away ] These are good!
Kristy: Uh.. Cindy, can you leave some for us?
Lucy: I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?
Boss: [ grabs Lucy’s collar ] Lay off, man, I’m STARVING! [ pause ] Diet starts Monday!
[ Tammy and Missy enter from the Donut Hut ]
Missy: Oh, look, Tammy, it’s the Gap Girls, and they’re eating. What a surprise!
Tammy: So, Kristy, you still going out with that a-hole Paul?
Kristy: [ silently ] Maybe..
Lucy: No way! You said you were gonna blow him off!
Kristy: I know.. but you guys don’t understand him..
Missy: I understand – he’s a loser! You’ve got to get rid!
Lucy: Ya, and he’s so mean to you. Doesn’t he always tell you you look like you’ve slept on your face?
Kristy: Yeah.. but he’s just really honest.
Missy: Well, what about when you reminded him that he owes you $600, and he punched you in the neck?
Kristy: Well, he’s just really sensitive – he’s a Cancer.
Lucy: [ weepy-wyed ] Kristy, listen to yourself! I hate to see this happen to you! You’re my best friend!
[ everyone tries not to laugh ]
Boss: Really, Kristy. Give him the keys to the street, and do it tonight!
[ Four Days Later ]
[ Tammy and re-enter the Food Court to almost identical positions ]
Tammy: So, Kristy, still going out with that a-hole Paul?
Kristy: I can’t believe we’re all wearing the same thing we did four days ago!
Lucy: No, we aren’t!
Kristy: Trust me – we are. Anyway, I told Paul to haul ass!
Missy: More like he told you!
Kristy: Not even. He came over, and I went to get the mail, and when I came back, and I was all, “Did you use my phone to call a girl?” And he was all, “No!” So I picked it up, and I hit redial, and, lo and behold.. [ imiiates dialing noise ] “Hello?” I’m all, “You’re busted, sweetie.. and so are you, Paul! GET OUT!!
Lucy: Wow! you are the queen of phone trickery!
Missy: So, how are those fries Kristy? Trying to put a little chunk in your trunk?
Kristy: Me? You’re the one looking a little loose in the caboose – you Donut Hut slut!
[ everyone oohs ]
Boss: Yeah, Missy! You’re so dumb.. when they were passing out brains, you thought they said “Trains”.. and then, you got on it.. on a train, then went for a ride!
Missy: That didn’t even make sense!
Boss: Shut up!
Missy: Whatever!
Kristy: Really, whatever!
Tammy: Whatever!! Have fun making minmum wage, girls!
[ Tammy and Missy turn and exit ]
Kristy: You, too.. creep.
Lucy: Geez.. those two are always..
Kristy & Lucy: O.T.R.!
Boss: [ gasps ] you two are terrible!
[ they laugh as the scene zooms out to fade ]
