Nancy…..Sara Gilbert
Lisa…..Ellen Cleghorne
Laura…..Melanie Hutsell
Jennifer…..Rob Schneider

[ three college girls excitedly enter their dorm room following registration ]

Nancy: Wow, it’s so cool we all like the same kind of music and everything!

Lisa: Oh, yeah!

Nancy: Looks like we’re gonna be real good roommates!

Laura: But where’s our fourth roommate? I hope she comes today.

Lisa: Yeah.. um.. do you know anything about her?

Nancy: Well, we got this card, it says her name is Jennifer Kenton, and she wnet to Hermington Boy’s Academy in Cincinnati.

Lisa: Boy’s Academy? That’s a weird name..

[ a knock at the door ]

Nancy: Oh! I bet that’s her!

[ Jennifer enters – she’s really a boy ]

Jennifer: Hi! I’m your new roommate, Jennifer Kenton. Pleased to meet you!

Nancy: Uh, hi.. I’m Nancy.

Lisa: I’m Lisa.

Laura: Laura.

Jennifer: Hi, Nancy.. Lisa.. Laura.. how are you? I’m really looking foreward to rooming with you this year! It’ll be fun! I can tell already!

Nancy: Great..

Jennifer: So! Whattaya say we all take a shower? It’s pretty hot out! [ all the girls decline the invitation ] Suit yourselves! I’ll just unpack! [ begins to unpack his stuff ]

Nancy: So, uh.. Jennifer..

Jennifer: Yep?

Nancy: Are you sure that you have the right room?

Jennifer: Sure, I’m sure! Wentworth Hall, Room 106! Say! I’ve got some clean towels here! I’ll just go ahead and put them in the bathroom, just in case anyone wants to take a shower! [ exits to bathroom ]

Nancy: I’m telling you – I could swear that was a guy!

Laura: Yeah, I thought we were supposed to have single-sex rooms?

[ the sound of running water can be heard from the bathroom ]

Jennifer: The shower works! In case anyone was wondering! [ re-enters room ] Hi, girlfriends! I’ll ust keep unpacking! [ continues to unpack, placing a poster of a bikin-clad woman on the posterboard ]

Nancy: Uh.. what’s that? It looks like the kind of poster a boy would put up.

Jennifer: No, no – that’s my cousin! She’s a model! I hate her, because she’s so thin! Back to unpacking! [ returns to his bag ] You know, I’m kind of short on underwear, is it okay if I borrow some of your underwear?

Laura: Well.. uh.. okay.. you want a bra, or panties?

Jennifer: Either is fine. Either one! [ thinking ] Both! How about both? [ Laura hands him a set ] Thanks! Hey.. speaking of underwear, isn’t it great that it’s just us girls here, and we can walk around in just our underwear, and not feel self-concious about it? If you want to, just go ahead – no problem here!

Nancy: [ pulls jockstrap out of Jennifer’s bag ] Uh.. is this your jockstrap, Jennifer?

Jennifer: No, no! That’s my cousin’s jockstrap! My other cousin! The one that’s a guy! How’d that get in there? That’s crazy! Hey, I’m getting hungry! How about we get out of here, and go to the dining hall? [ the girls agree with the sugestion ] Well.. we can’t go dirty! Come on, let’s take a shower!

Nancy: Hold on, Jennifer, or whatever your real name is. You can give it up, I mean, we all know you’re a man!

Lisa: Yeah, we’ve been on to you the whole time!

Jennifer: What?! [ gasps in shock ] I can’t believe you’re saying this to me! Sure, I may not be as pretty as you, or look as feminine as you, or have breasts as plump and round as your.. but my own roommates telling me I look like a man?! I’ve never been so upset! [ removes camera from bag ] And to think, I was just about to share with you, my new underwater camera that even takes pictures in the shower!

[ Candace enters ]

Candace: Hi! i’m Candace, I’m your new roommate! There was a mix-up at the housing office, but they figured it out, and here I am!

Jennifer: I think there has been a mix-up! I’m obviously not wanted here! And here’s some advice for you, Candace: watch out for this bunch! They can’t tolerate anyone even a little bit different than them! And I hope you’re not big on hygeine, because there’s no hope of ever getting them in the shower!

[ exits angrily, as Candace makes acquaitances with the other girls ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *