Nancy…..Sara Gilbert
Lisa…..Ellen Cleghorne
Laura…..Melanie Hutsell
Jennifer…..Rob Schneider

[ three college girls excitedly enter their dorm room following registration ]

Nancy: Wow, it’s so cool we all like the same kind of music and everything!

Lisa: Oh, yeah!

Nancy: Looks like we’re gonna be real good roommates!

Laura: But where’s our fourth roommate? I hope she comes today.

Lisa: Yeah.. um.. do you know anything about her?

Nancy: Well, we got this card, it says her name is Jennifer Kenton, and she wnet to Hermington Boy’s Academy in Cincinnati.

Lisa: Boy’s Academy? That’s a weird name..

[ a knock at the door ]

Nancy: Oh! I bet that’s her!

[ Jennifer enters – she’s really a boy ]

Jennifer: Hi! I’m your new roommate, Jennifer Kenton. Pleased to meet you!

Nancy: Uh, hi.. I’m Nancy.

Lisa: I’m Lisa.

Laura: Laura.

Jennifer: Hi, Nancy.. Lisa.. Laura.. how are you? I’m really looking foreward to rooming with you this year! It’ll be fun! I can tell already!

Nancy: Great..

Jennifer: So! Whattaya say we all take a shower? It’s pretty hot out! [ all the girls decline the invitation ] Suit yourselves! I’ll just unpack! [ begins to unpack his stuff ]

Nancy: So, uh.. Jennifer..

Jennifer: Yep?

Nancy: Are you sure that you have the right room?

Jennifer: Sure, I’m sure! Wentworth Hall, Room 106! Say! I’ve got some clean towels here! I’ll just go ahead and put them in the bathroom, just in case anyone wants to take a shower! [ exits to bathroom ]

Nancy: I’m telling you – I could swear that was a guy!

Laura: Yeah, I thought we were supposed to have single-sex rooms?

[ the sound of running water can be heard from the bathroom ]

Jennifer: The shower works! In case anyone was wondering! [ re-enters room ] Hi, girlfriends! I’ll ust keep unpacking! [ continues to unpack, placing a poster of a bikin-clad woman on the posterboard ]

Nancy: Uh.. what’s that? It looks like the kind of poster a boy would put up.

Jennifer: No, no – that’s my cousin! She’s a model! I hate her, because she’s so thin! Back to unpacking! [ returns to his bag ] You know, I’m kind of short on underwear, is it okay if I borrow some of your underwear?

Laura: Well.. uh.. okay.. you want a bra, or panties?

Jennifer: Either is fine. Either one! [ thinking ] Both! How about both? [ Laura hands him a set ] Thanks! Hey.. speaking of underwear, isn’t it great that it’s just us girls here, and we can walk around in just our underwear, and not feel self-concious about it? If you want to, just go ahead – no problem here!

Nancy: [ pulls jockstrap out of Jennifer’s bag ] Uh.. is this your jockstrap, Jennifer?

Jennifer: No, no! That’s my cousin’s jockstrap! My other cousin! The one that’s a guy! How’d that get in there? That’s crazy! Hey, I’m getting hungry! How about we get out of here, and go to the dining hall? [ the girls agree with the sugestion ] Well.. we can’t go dirty! Come on, let’s take a shower!

Nancy: Hold on, Jennifer, or whatever your real name is. You can give it up, I mean, we all know you’re a man!

Lisa: Yeah, we’ve been on to you the whole time!

Jennifer: What?! [ gasps in shock ] I can’t believe you’re saying this to me! Sure, I may not be as pretty as you, or look as feminine as you, or have breasts as plump and round as your.. but my own roommates telling me I look like a man?! I’ve never been so upset! [ removes camera from bag ] And to think, I was just about to share with you, my new underwater camera that even takes pictures in the shower!

[ Candace enters ]

Candace: Hi! i’m Candace, I’m your new roommate! There was a mix-up at the housing office, but they figured it out, and here I am!

Jennifer: I think there has been a mix-up! I’m obviously not wanted here! And here’s some advice for you, Candace: watch out for this bunch! They can’t tolerate anyone even a little bit different than them! And I hope you’re not big on hygeine, because there’s no hope of ever getting them in the shower!

[ exits angrily, as Candace makes acquaitances with the other girls ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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