Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
… Norm MacDonald
… Sarah Silverman

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusseswith his papers as his image continues to rotate onthe screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view ofKevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m KevinNealon.

[Video of Bill Clinton delivering a speech] PresidentClinton opened the European summit sessions inBrussels this week and everyone agreed it went like adream. Especially, Secretary of State WarrenChristopher. [Video of Christopher dozing off.] …[Kevin slowly manipulates his pencil to make it lookas if he is shoving the eraser up Christopher’s nose,then tapping the sleeping man on the face] …

[Photo of two gigantic sumo wrestlers] The presidentalso met with Boris Yeltsin in Russia this week and–… I’m sorry. That’s the wrong picture. That’s, uh,actually Roseanne and Tom Arnold celebrating his newdeal at CBS. …

[Photo of Bill Clinton holding a saxophone] Later thatevening, Yeltsin surprised President Clinton with asaxophone and asked him to play. Clinton obliged byplaying “My Funny Valentine” and, after a few vodkas,Yeltsin played “The Beer Barrel Polka” by squeezinghis hand in his armpit. …

The president told Russians this week that the U.S. istheir “buddy.” He added that, if Russia gives up allits nuclear weapons, the U.S. will be their bestfriend. … Something to think about.

In a new Esquire Magazine poll, women eighteen totwenty-five think Vice President Al Gore would behotter in bed than President Bill Clinton. But theyDID think Clinton would be hotter in a car.

Well, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced that bothNancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding will go on to theOlympics in Norway next month. However, in light ofthe recent events, Harding will be sent immediately tothe penalty box for high-sticking. …

In any event, the Nancy Kerrigan story continues tofascinate America. Here with a comment is Updatecorrespondent Norm MacDonald. Norm?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Norm in a brownsuit.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Well, uh, like allof you, I was absolutely horrified by the assault onskater Nancy Kerrigan last week. No one can possiblycondone the idea of clubbing a young woman on the kneelike that. But, on the other hand, ah, does anyonereally like figure skating? …

The person or persons responsible for this mindlessattack should be prosecuted to the fullest extent ofthe law. But it does seem like, uh, figure skating ison TV way too much. …

Now, I, for one, am beginning to feel that this brutalassault is more than an isolated incident. Our societyis rapidly falling apart. And this attack is justanother symptom. Like that, uh, Brian Boitano guy. Imean, what the hell is the story with him? …You know? If he’s such a good skater, why doesn’t hejust play hockey? …

In any case, I think it’s time that we come togetheras a society and make it clear that we’re not gonnatolerate thugs solving their problems with violence.And we’re not gonna tolerate TV executives who make uswatch hours and hours of figure skating when there aregood hockey games not even being televised! …

Now, I’m not gonna get into that age-old argument of”Which is worse? Violence or – or figure skating?” …I mean, that’s not gonna solve anything. They are bothunacceptable and they should be eliminated! …

And then maybe one day we’ll live in a world where wecan walk our streets without being terrorized and wecan watch our TVs without seein’ that Brian Boitanoguy hoppin’ around. … Thank you, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: Norm MacDonald, ladies andgentlemen. [cheers and applause] The Norm MacDonaldguy.

Defense Secretary Les Aspin opened more combat rolesfor women this week by allowing them to preform–perform duties previously considered too dangerous.Those include: fighting in ground combat, serving intank units, and photocopying for Bob Packwood….

[Photo of twins Eric and Lyle Menendez wearing theirtrademark pullover sweaters] A mistrial was declaredin the Eric Menendez murder case this week when jurorssaid they were hopelessly deadlocked. Prosecutors saythey’ll retry the case with new, previously unseenevidence. Defense attorneys say they’ll defend theirclient with new, previously unseen sweaters….

Well, the successfully repaired Hubble telescope hasenabled astronomers to identify a large population ofaging stars. This is a picture taken through theHubble before it was repaired. [Photo of star clusterin outer space] And this is a picture afterward. [Samephoto with image of actor Charles Bronson’s facesuperimposed] … An aging star is clearlyvisible.

In other sports news, the Buffalo Bills won the AFCdivisional playoffs today in New York, playing intemperatures thirty degrees below zero. Remarkably,the only serious injury occurred when Buffalo’squarterback Jim Kelly celebrated by dumping a block offrozen Gatorade on head coach Marv Levy. …

Here now with her personal news of the week, our newUpdate correspondent, Sarah Silverman. Sarah?

Sarah Silverman: Thank you, Kevin. [cheers andapplause for the young raven-haired beauty – Photo ofbride and groom] Well, Kevin, I guess the mostimportant event of this past week was, of course, thewedding of my sister, Susan Silverman, to JosefAbramowitz. It was a really neat wedding, too, youknow, ’cause they took each other’s last names andhyphenated it. So now my sister’s name is SusanSilverman-Abramowitz. But they’re thinking ofshortening it to just “Jews.” …

[Photo of Sarah’s father] Of course, my father was atthe wedding which was really awkward for me becausewhen I was fourteen, I actually dated my father’s bestfriend — which was so embarrassing for me, you know,my father having a fourteen-year-old best friend.[Photo of Sarah’s father with a fourteen-year-old boy]…

[Photo of Sarah’s doctor] Now, the day after thewedding, I went to the doctor to get a physical whereshe gave me a routine pap smear. Do you know what apap smear is, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: No, I’m – I’m not sure.

Sarah Silverman: Well, I’ll tell ya. It’s kindof like a throat culture only you don’t gag. Really,you know. … [thinks it over] … Unless maybe ifyou’re really short. … Then you might gag.

[Photo of Sarah’s friend] Now, the best– The nextbiggest item of the week was bumping into TallyStevenson, my best friend from high school, who Ihaven’t seen in five years. Her picture was on everypage of the yearbook. You know that type,Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Uh, I’m not really sure.

Sarah Silverman: Yeah, you do. You know, youknow, she spent the whole year going, [imitatesfriend, all smiles and posing] “DON’T take a pictureof me! Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed! Noooooo!”[buries her head on the desk for a moment, then whipsher head back grandly, hair flying, lips puckered,ready for her close-up] …

Kevin Nealon: Uh, Sarah, did anything elsehappen this week?

Sarah Silverman: Uh, yeah. Oh, well, I piercedmy boyfriend’s ear and, uh, Ukraine agreed to disarmall its nuclear weapons. That’s it!

Kevin Nealon: Thanks, Sarah. Sarah Silverman.[cheers and applause] [Photo of Michael Jackson wearing a glittering bluejacket with gold epaulets] A Los Angeles jury decidedthis week that Michael Jackson did not steal his songs”We Are the World,” “Thriller” and “The Girl is Mine”from another songwriter. But they did find him guiltyof stealing his wardrobe from a high school drummajor. …

[Photo of newly engaged magician David Copperfield andmodel Claudia Schiffer] Well, it looks like DavidCopperfield has made Claudia Schiffer’s taste in mendisappear. … [some applause, Kevin isself-deprecating] Ohhh, just a little jealous, that’sall. …

New York City officials are banning cigarette ads oncity-owned phone booths. They say the ads encourageyoungsters to smoke after phone sex. …

A new university study shows that adults living withtheir older parents still have “generation gap”problems. Their biggest complaint is walking a date toher door and her father turns the porch light on byusing the Clapper. … [Kevin claps his hands a fewtimes] That’s a little of what it sounds like….

Alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has put herBeverly Hills home up for sale. She’s askingone-point-eight million dollars but interested partiesare invited to pull up to the curb and dicker.… [howls and applause, Kevin pretends not tounderstand the pun] Yeah! Never – never settle on theoriginal price. …

Much of the nation is being gripped by freezingtemperatures and blizzards, so we offer this advice tokids as a public service: Remember, your tongue is thesecond most painful body part you can freeze to aflagpole. …

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to betaking notes as we pull back and fadeaway.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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