Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 12
February 5th, 1994
Operation Pedophile NotSummary: To counter the growing perception that Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) prefers the company of small boys, two of his bodyguards (Patrick Stewart, Phil Hartman) take him out on the town to meet women.
Recurring Characters: Michael Jackson.
Note: Exterior footage of the China Club is brought back repeatedly between 1995-1998 for the recurring Roxbury Guys sketch.
Patrick Stewart’s MonologueSummary: Patrick Stewart demonstrates his not-so-exceptional knowledge of “Star Trek” trivia.
Bio: A stage veteran of England’s Royal Shakespeare Company since 1966, Patrick Stewart (1940-) has spent the past seven seasons as Captain of the Starship Enterprise in “Star Trek: The Next Generation.”
Philadelphia Action FiguresSummary: With new play set, the gay discrimination movie is now fun for all ages.
Phil McCracken, Scottish TherapistSummary: Phil McCracken, Scottish Therapist (Patrick Stewart) tries to resolve the anger of All Things Scottish proprietor, Stuart Rankin (Mike Myers).
Recurring Characters: Stuart Rankin.
Sexy CakesSummary: To his own personal delight, all of a baker’s (Patrick Stewart) erotic cakes feature images of women going to the bathroom.
Salt-N-Pepa perform “Shoop”Bio: Salt-N-Pepa (Sandy “Pepa” Denton, Spinderella, Cheryl “Salt” James) was the first important all-female rap crew. They got their name from a line from their 1985 song, “The Show Stopper”, which they performed as Super Nature.
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonNote: A rare Weekend Update with no guest commentaries, and clocking in at under five minutes.
The Love Boat: The Next GenerationSummary: Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) and his space crew assist Charo (Melanie Hutsell) and her estranged alien lover (Al Franken) in intergalactic romance.
Recurring Characters: David Brenner, Joan Rivers, Mr. Sulu.
The Cosby MysteriesSummary: Mush-mouthed Bill Cosby (Adam Sandler) plays a detective who comes out of retirement to solve murders.
Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.
HellSummary: In the bowels of Hell, underlings (Rob Schneider, David Spade, Norm MacDonald) hassle Satan (Patrick Stewart) after he chokes on a grape.
Recurring Characters: Satan.
Salt-N-Pepa perform “Whatta Man”Lyrics
Show & Tell with Surgeon General Joycelyn EldersSummary: Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders (Ellen Cleghorne) shows a visible rectum to impressionable school children.
Recurring Characters: Joycelyn Elders.
It’s Not Their FaultSummary: On her new morning talk show, Leslie Abramson (Julia Sweeney) interviews famous defendants who she sees as the real victims of the crimes they committed.
Recurring Characters: Leslie Abramson, Tonya Harding, Slobodan Milosevic.