Operation Pedophile Not
Bodyguard Jenson…..Patrick Stewart
Bodyguard Ted…..Phil Hartman
Michael Jackson…..Tim Meadows
Female Clubber #1…..Ellen Cleghorne
Female Clubber #2…..Julia Sweeney
[ open on exterior, China Club, a line forming to the street on a typical Saturday night ]
[ dissolve to interior, bar area, as ]
Bodyguard Jenson: So.. this is the club you picked.
Bodyguard Ted: Yes. I was told by some very reliable sources that this dance club is the popular choice of many single women.
Bodyguard Jenson: Well, I certainly hope you’re right. I’ll get Mr. Jackson. [ into walkie-talkie ] Rogers. This is Jenson. Inform Mr. Jackson that there are several attractive women in attendance.
Bodyguard Ted: [ doubting the night’s intentions ] I don’t know, Andy.. is this gonna work? I mean, it’s so soon after the settlement..
Bodyguard Jenson: Listen to me, Ted – Operation Pedophile Not is.. is the centerpiece of the Michael Jackson image makeover. It’s got to work!
Bodyguard Ted: [ looking ] Oh. Here he is.
Bodyguard Jenson: Michael. Michael, over here. Okay, Michael, you can see everyone from here!
Michael Jackson: You know, Jenson, there’s only one thing I’m looking for – a hot honey I that can knock boots with! Right, fellas? Knockin’ boots?
Bodyguard Jenson: That’s right, Michael! Knocking boots, you’re halfway there!
Bodyguard Ted: Well, there certainly are some very hot adult chicks here, for you to “knock boots” with.
Michael Jackson: [ excited ] Yeah! Hey, look, guys, I don’t even care if they are hot. If M.J. don’t get some Tang, he’s gonna go crazy! [ looking at women around the bar ] Now, look at her dance! Hey, what’s up, baby Yeah! You gonna be mi-ine..
Bodyguard Jenson: Mmm. Good start, sir.
[ Michael notices Female Clubber #1, and moves in for the kill ]
Michael Jackson: Hi!
Female Clubber #1: [ half-hearted ] Hi. [ though slightly curious ] Are you Michael Jackson, or some.. [ afraid to say it ] ..impersonator?
Michael Jackson: No, baby, I am Michael Jackson. Believe me, I could do things to you that no impersonator could ever do!
Female Clubber #1: [ intrigued ] Yeah? Like what?
Michael Jackson: Huh..?
Female Clubber #1: What could you do to me that no Michael Jackson impersonator could do?
Michael Jackson: [ struggling ] Um.. I.. uh.. um.. uh.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] Do you like llamas?
Female Clubber #1: [ confused by the shift in conversation ] I don’t know.. I guess so..
Michael Jackson: Well.. I got a llama.. and a monkey.. and some reindeer.. baby! you know what I could do right now? I could call Toys ‘R’ Us, have them make everyone leave, and then we can go there and play with all the toys.
Female Clubber #1: No-oh-oh.. not tonight..!
Michael Jackson: You know, we could go to my house and play with my wild animals. I bet you’re the kind of girl who likes wild animals!
Female Clubber #1: Uh-huh..
Michael Jackson: What would you use to tame me? Would you use a whip, or a chair, or some kind of reward or something?
Female Clubber #1: [ more confused ] A reward..? Like.. candy, or something..? I really don’t know.. is this going somewhere..?
Michael Jackson: [ breaks into tears ] I don’t know..!!
Bodyguard Jenson: [ leans in ] Mr. Jackson would like to invite you to his Neverland ranch and petting zoo sometime in the near future. [ hands Female Clubber #1 a pass card ] And, good day. [ ] Not bad, Michael, you’re doing okay.
Michael Jackson: I know, Jenson.. it’s just, that it’s 1994, and I’ve yet to score! [ an attractive woman breezes past Michael ] Hey, what’s up, bitch! [ attractive coldcocks Michael across the face ] Ow! Okay.. I deserved that..
Bodyguard Jenson: Mr. Jackson? Mr. Jackson, are you alright? We could go back to the ranch..?
Michael Jackson: No, no, Jenson.. ol’ Mike wants to get some trim! And he’s not leaving until he gets some! [ spots Female Clubber #2 sit at the bar ] Hey, girl!
Female Clubber #2: [ flustered by the celebrity’s presence ] Oh.. Hi! I-I-I just want to tell you, that I’m a huge fan and I-I-I always will be!
Michael Jackson: Thanks, baby! So, wat’s your name?
Female Clubber #2: Theresa!
Michael Jackson: Theresa. That’s a sexy name – like MaCauley!
Female Clubber #2: [ confused ] What?
Michael Jackson: Um.. do.. do you want to dance?
Female Clubber #2: Oh! I’d really be honored if you’d dance with me!
Michael Jackson: Sure. But, you know what? I’m a better dancer when I’m laying down!
Female Clubber #2: [ confused ] What?
Michael Jackson: Um.. I, um.. I’m a good dancer.. in.. the bed..
Female Clubber #2: What are you talking about?
Michael Jackson: Um.. between the sheets.. in.. when.. um.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] Um.. so, you like ferris wheels?
Female Clubber #2: [ stupified ] Yeah, when I was, like, twelve! [ chuckles ]
Bodyguard Jenson: [ leans in ] Mr. Jackson would like to invite you and a guest to Neverland ranch and petting zoo. [ Female Clubber #2 walks away ] Thank you. [ hands Female Clubber #2 a pass card ]
Bodyguard Ted: Mike, maybe we should try another club. I’m sure your luck will change..
Michael Jackson: Yeah, guys, I.. did learn one thing from this: “Live, from New York, it’s..” uh.. um.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] “..Saturday Ni-ight!”
