Operation Pedophile Not


Operation Pedophile Not

Bodyguard Jenson…..Patrick Stewart
Bodyguard Ted…..Phil Hartman
Michael Jackson…..Tim Meadows
Female Clubber #1…..Ellen Cleghorne
Female Clubber #2…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on exterior, China Club, a line forming to the street on a typical Saturday night ] [ dissolve to interior, bar area, as ]

Bodyguard Jenson: So.. this is the club you picked.

Bodyguard Ted: Yes. I was told by some very reliable sources that this dance club is the popular choice of many single women.

Bodyguard Jenson: Well, I certainly hope you’re right. I’ll get Mr. Jackson. [ into walkie-talkie ] Rogers. This is Jenson. Inform Mr. Jackson that there are several attractive women in attendance.

Bodyguard Ted: [ doubting the night’s intentions ] I don’t know, Andy.. is this gonna work? I mean, it’s so soon after the settlement..

Bodyguard Jenson: Listen to me, Ted – Operation Pedophile Not is.. is the centerpiece of the Michael Jackson image makeover. It’s got to work!

Bodyguard Ted: [ looking ] Oh. Here he is.

Bodyguard Jenson: Michael. Michael, over here. Okay, Michael, you can see everyone from here!

Michael Jackson: You know, Jenson, there’s only one thing I’m looking for – a hot honey I that can knock boots with! Right, fellas? Knockin’ boots?

Bodyguard Jenson: That’s right, Michael! Knocking boots, you’re halfway there!

Bodyguard Ted: Well, there certainly are some very hot adult chicks here, for you to “knock boots” with.

Michael Jackson: [ excited ] Yeah! Hey, look, guys, I don’t even care if they are hot. If M.J. don’t get some Tang, he’s gonna go crazy! [ looking at women around the bar ] Now, look at her dance! Hey, what’s up, baby Yeah! You gonna be mi-ine..

Bodyguard Jenson: Mmm. Good start, sir.

[ Michael notices Female Clubber #1, and moves in for the kill ]

Michael Jackson: Hi!

Female Clubber #1: [ half-hearted ] Hi. [ though slightly curious ] Are you Michael Jackson, or some.. [ afraid to say it ] ..impersonator?

Michael Jackson: No, baby, I am Michael Jackson. Believe me, I could do things to you that no impersonator could ever do!

Female Clubber #1: [ intrigued ] Yeah? Like what?

Michael Jackson: Huh..?

Female Clubber #1: What could you do to me that no Michael Jackson impersonator could do?

Michael Jackson: [ struggling ] Um.. I.. uh.. um.. uh.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] Do you like llamas?

Female Clubber #1: [ confused by the shift in conversation ] I don’t know.. I guess so..

Michael Jackson: Well.. I got a llama.. and a monkey.. and some reindeer.. baby! you know what I could do right now? I could call Toys ‘R’ Us, have them make everyone leave, and then we can go there and play with all the toys.

Female Clubber #1: No-oh-oh.. not tonight..!

Michael Jackson: You know, we could go to my house and play with my wild animals. I bet you’re the kind of girl who likes wild animals!

Female Clubber #1: Uh-huh..

Michael Jackson: What would you use to tame me? Would you use a whip, or a chair, or some kind of reward or something?

Female Clubber #1: [ more confused ] A reward..? Like.. candy, or something..? I really don’t know.. is this going somewhere..?

Michael Jackson: [ breaks into tears ] I don’t know..!!

Bodyguard Jenson: [ leans in ] Mr. Jackson would like to invite you to his Neverland ranch and petting zoo sometime in the near future. [ hands Female Clubber #1 a pass card ] And, good day. [ ] Not bad, Michael, you’re doing okay.

Michael Jackson: I know, Jenson.. it’s just, that it’s 1994, and I’ve yet to score! [ an attractive woman breezes past Michael ] Hey, what’s up, bitch! [ attractive coldcocks Michael across the face ] Ow! Okay.. I deserved that..

Bodyguard Jenson: Mr. Jackson? Mr. Jackson, are you alright? We could go back to the ranch..?

Michael Jackson: No, no, Jenson.. ol’ Mike wants to get some trim! And he’s not leaving until he gets some! [ spots Female Clubber #2 sit at the bar ] Hey, girl!

Female Clubber #2: [ flustered by the celebrity’s presence ] Oh.. Hi! I-I-I just want to tell you, that I’m a huge fan and I-I-I always will be!

Michael Jackson: Thanks, baby! So, wat’s your name?

Female Clubber #2: Theresa!

Michael Jackson: Theresa. That’s a sexy name – like MaCauley!

Female Clubber #2: [ confused ] What?

Michael Jackson: Um.. do.. do you want to dance?

Female Clubber #2: Oh! I’d really be honored if you’d dance with me!

Michael Jackson: Sure. But, you know what? I’m a better dancer when I’m laying down!

Female Clubber #2: [ confused ] What?

Michael Jackson: Um.. I, um.. I’m a good dancer.. in.. the bed..

Female Clubber #2: What are you talking about?

Michael Jackson: Um.. between the sheets.. in.. when.. um.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] Um.. so, you like ferris wheels?

Female Clubber #2: [ stupified ] Yeah, when I was, like, twelve! [ chuckles ]

Bodyguard Jenson: [ leans in ] Mr. Jackson would like to invite you and a guest to Neverland ranch and petting zoo. [ Female Clubber #2 walks away ] Thank you. [ hands Female Clubber #2 a pass card ]

Bodyguard Ted: Mike, maybe we should try another club. I’m sure your luck will change..

Michael Jackson: Yeah, guys, I.. did learn one thing from this: “Live, from New York, it’s..” uh.. um.. Jenson! [ Jenson leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear for the quick-save ] “..Saturday Ni-ight!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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