Philadelphia Action Figures

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93l: Patrick Stewart / Salt-N-Pepa

Philadelphia Action Figures


[ open on slow zoom of “Philadelphia” movie poster ]

Announcer 1: “Philadelphia”. The critically-acclaimed story of one man’s fight against prejudice. Now, the battle for justice continues..

[ child’s hand holding an action figure bursts through the poster ]

Announcer 2: In your home! “Philadelphia” Action Figures!

[ close-up of Andrew Beckett action figure, SUPER: “Each sold separately” ]

Announcer 2: There’s gay attorney Andrew Beckett, with flame-thrower and launching net action!

[ close-up of boss action figure ]

Announcer 2: And Beckett’s evil law boss, with light-saber and ninja sword.

Kid 1: You’ve got AIDS! You’re fired!

Kid 2: No! you’re fired! Boom! [ launches net on boss ] [ close-up of Joe Miller action figure ]

Announcer 2: There’s defense attorney Joe Miller, with jetpack and laser cannon.

Kid 1: Soon, I’ll rule Philadelphia! And, then.. the world!

Kid 2: See you in court, sucka! [ launches laser cannon at boss ] [ show Miguel action figure ]

Kid 1: Oh, there’s Miguel – Andrew’s long-time companion.

Kid 2: He’s in the Philadelphia-mobile! [ makes screeching sound effect as he drags car away ]

Announcer: Miguel, long-time companion action figure. With full battle armor, and dino buddy.

[ kid makes growling sound ]

Kid 1: What’s happening to Miguel?

Kid 2: He’s trans-forming! [ transforms Miguel into a jet plane ] [ show courtroom playset ]

Announcer 2: Also available – the courtroom action playset, with working ejecter-seat.

Kid 2: No one discriminates again Andrew Beckett! Ka-pow! [ hits button, ejecting boss from the court seat ]

Announcer 2: The battle for Philadelphia rages on! “Philadelphia” action figures! Coming soon to your galaxy!

[ show video game playset and box ]

Announcer 2: And now, on your Sega Genesis, it’s “Philadelphia”!

[ show crude space rocket video game graphics ] [ jump-zoom on kid’s intense game face ]

Kid 1: “Phil-a-delph-i-a!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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