Satan’s Mystique


Satan’s Mystique

Satan…..Patrick Stewart
Underling 1…..Rob Schneider
Underling 2…..David Spade
Underling 3…..Norm MacDonald

[ open in Hell, fiery background music playing ]

Satan: I swear by all that is evil, vengeance shall be mine! The hosts of Heaven will kneel before me and lick my boots!

Underling 1: How will you do it, sire?

Satan: You puny spawn of monkey sweat! You miserable bucket of pus fluids! You dare to question me?!

Underling 1: No, sire.. I only..

Satan: Silence, you fetted pile of insect saliva! How will I reap vengeance?! I will unleash the hordes of Hell on God’s earth, and all will bow down before me, their true King! I will devour them as I do.. this grape! [ laughs evilly while chewing the grape, but starts to choke on it ] Oh, God..! I can’t breathe..! The grape is stuck..! [ coughs it up ]

Underling 1: Master, are you alright?

Satan: Silence!! [ gasps ] The juice.. the juice from the grape hit the wrong pipe.. the wrong pipe.. somebody, please help..! [ recovers ]

Underling 2: Don’t feel embarrassed, sire, that happens to everybody – even the Lord of Hades.

Satan: Silence, you whining welch! You dare address me as an equal!

Underling 2: But, Master, I was worried about you.

Satan: Worried?! Worried?! Better to worry that I will change your blood to fire! That I will.. I will hit you.. you know.. on your head!

[ fiery background music trails off ]

Underling 1: Okay, that one started out strong, but kind of trailed off. Plus, earlier.. the fetted pile of insect saliva? How exactly would you pile saliva?

Underling 3: Yeah, that one kind of threw me, too, you know? I mean, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know, because you’re the master of the whory netherworld there, but, uh.. now, after that grape thing..

Satan: You dare mock me?!

Underling 2: You know, in the future, any one of us would be happy to prechew your grapes.

Satan: Are you mad?! Do you know what you are flirting with?! I will feed your steaming organs to all the hounds of Hell! I will watch your eyes burn.. til the cows come home!

Underling 3: Til the cows come home?

Satan: Sweet Lucifer! Do my ears deceive me, or did you just question my word of choice?

Underling 3: Oh, alright, sorry.. go on.

Satan: Go on?! Go on?! As if I was some prattling schoolboy?! You tell me to go on?! The serpents of Hell will urge me to go on as they watch me feast on your bloody entrails!

Underling 3: Oh, will you feast on my bloody entrails until, uh.. the cows come home?

Underling 2: You know, I, personally, would not move on to chewing bloody entrails until I mastered grapes!

Satan: This just cannot be! You monkey warts! You.. you maggot monkeys! I will slice open your monkey bellies, and your blood will spill from your monkey bowels!

Underling 1: You know what occurred to me? Just think how empty that sentence would have been without the word “monkey”.

Satan: [ angry ] What?!

Underling 2: Easy, big fellow!

Satan: Big fellow?! You dare address me as anything but Lord of Evil, or, at the very least, Master of Darkness?!

Underling 1: Or, how about, Lover of the Word Monkey?

Satan: What?! [ at a sudden loss of words, struggles to express his thoughts coherently ]

Underling 2: [ mimics Satan ] Sputter! Sputter! Sputter! What’s the deal! Say it, don’t spray it, Chief!

Satan: [ aghast ] Am I dreaming, or did somebody just say to the Magnificent Hellbeast, the all-powerful Lord of Darkness, “Say it, don’t spray it?!”

Underling 3: Hey, is it just me, or does the big guy here essentially just repeat everything we say, except all incredulous?

Satan: [ stunned ] Well, this is something.. I am speechless. No, seriously! I am in awe! I snap my fingers, and you are.. monkeys! [ snaps fingers ] [ underlings now appear as three monkeys, who continue to laugh at Satan ]

Underling 1: What a surprise, we’re monkeys.

Underling 2: Oh, this is terrible. Instead of people burning in Hell, we’re monkeys burning in Hell. What a step down.

Underling 3: Smart move not turning us into grapes!

[ the monkeys laugh as scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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