Satan’s Mystique
Satan…..Patrick Stewart
Underling 1…..Rob Schneider
Underling 2…..David Spade
Underling 3…..Norm MacDonald
[ open in Hell, fiery background music playing ]
Satan: I swear by all that is evil, vengeance shall be mine! The hosts of Heaven will kneel before me and lick my boots!
Underling 1: How will you do it, sire?
Satan: You puny spawn of monkey sweat! You miserable bucket of pus fluids! You dare to question me?!
Underling 1: No, sire.. I only..
Satan: Silence, you fetted pile of insect saliva! How will I reap vengeance?! I will unleash the hordes of Hell on God’s earth, and all will bow down before me, their true King! I will devour them as I do.. this grape! [ laughs evilly while chewing the grape, but starts to choke on it ] Oh, God..! I can’t breathe..! The grape is stuck..! [ coughs it up ]
Underling 1: Master, are you alright?
Satan: Silence!! [ gasps ] The juice.. the juice from the grape hit the wrong pipe.. the wrong pipe.. somebody, please help..! [ recovers ]
Underling 2: Don’t feel embarrassed, sire, that happens to everybody – even the Lord of Hades.
Satan: Silence, you whining welch! You dare address me as an equal!
Underling 2: But, Master, I was worried about you.
Satan: Worried?! Worried?! Better to worry that I will change your blood to fire! That I will.. I will hit you.. you know.. on your head!
[ fiery background music trails off ]
Underling 1: Okay, that one started out strong, but kind of trailed off. Plus, earlier.. the fetted pile of insect saliva? How exactly would you pile saliva?
Underling 3: Yeah, that one kind of threw me, too, you know? I mean, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, you know, because you’re the master of the whory netherworld there, but, uh.. now, after that grape thing..
Satan: You dare mock me?!
Underling 2: You know, in the future, any one of us would be happy to prechew your grapes.
Satan: Are you mad?! Do you know what you are flirting with?! I will feed your steaming organs to all the hounds of Hell! I will watch your eyes burn.. til the cows come home!
Underling 3: Til the cows come home?
Satan: Sweet Lucifer! Do my ears deceive me, or did you just question my word of choice?
Underling 3: Oh, alright, sorry.. go on.
Satan: Go on?! Go on?! As if I was some prattling schoolboy?! You tell me to go on?! The serpents of Hell will urge me to go on as they watch me feast on your bloody entrails!
Underling 3: Oh, will you feast on my bloody entrails until, uh.. the cows come home?
Underling 2: You know, I, personally, would not move on to chewing bloody entrails until I mastered grapes!
Satan: This just cannot be! You monkey warts! You.. you maggot monkeys! I will slice open your monkey bellies, and your blood will spill from your monkey bowels!
Underling 1: You know what occurred to me? Just think how empty that sentence would have been without the word “monkey”.
Satan: [ angry ] What?!
Underling 2: Easy, big fellow!
Satan: Big fellow?! You dare address me as anything but Lord of Evil, or, at the very least, Master of Darkness?!
Underling 1: Or, how about, Lover of the Word Monkey?
Satan: What?! [ at a sudden loss of words, struggles to express his thoughts coherently ]
Underling 2: [ mimics Satan ] Sputter! Sputter! Sputter! What’s the deal! Say it, don’t spray it, Chief!
Satan: [ aghast ] Am I dreaming, or did somebody just say to the Magnificent Hellbeast, the all-powerful Lord of Darkness, “Say it, don’t spray it?!”
Underling 3: Hey, is it just me, or does the big guy here essentially just repeat everything we say, except all incredulous?
Satan: [ stunned ] Well, this is something.. I am speechless. No, seriously! I am in awe! I snap my fingers, and you are.. monkeys! [ snaps fingers ]
[ underlings now appear as three monkeys, who continue to laugh at Satan ]
Underling 1: What a surprise, we’re monkeys.
Underling 2: Oh, this is terrible. Instead of people burning in Hell, we’re monkeys burning in Hell. What a step down.
Underling 3: Smart move not turning us into grapes!
[ the monkeys laugh as scene fades ]
