Sexy Cakes


Sexy Cakes

Baker…..Patrick Stewart
Young Man…..Rob Schneider
Gay Guy 1…..Tim Meadows
Gay Guy 2…..David Spade
Woman…..Julia Sweeney

[ young Man enters Sexy Cakes bakery ]

Baker: Hi! Welcome to Sexy Cakes, the erotic bakery.

Young Man: I walk by this place, I never thought I’d go inside it.

Baker: Well, I think you’ll find that it’s a little more fun than an ordinary bakery.

Young Man: Yeah, my friend’s having a bachelor party, and I thought it might be kind of fun if I got him an erotic cake.

Baker: Well, you have come to the right place. I have the perfect sexy cake for a bachelor party. [ opens box ] Oh, what about this one. What do you think?

Young Man: Looks like a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah! It’s very sexy!

Young Man: What else do you have?

Baker: Oh, I understand.. it’s not, perhaps, your cup of tea. Perhaps, maybe this sexy cake might be more up your alley. [ opens box ]

Young Man: This is the exact same cake.

Baker: No, no, no.. this is chocolate.

Young Man: Yeah, but it’s still a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Exactly! [ customers walk in ] Oh.. could you excuse me for a moment?

Gay Guy 1: Hi, we’re here to pick up our cake.

Gay Guy 2: [ sighs ] Yes, the man-on-man lemon meringue.

Baker: Right. [ retrieves cake ] I took a little artistic license with this one, but, well, I think you’ll enjoy the results.

Gay Guy 1: Hey, this is a woman going to the bathroom.

Baker: Yeah, it’s very exciting, isn’t it? That’ll be $15.

Gay Guy 1: We wanted a cake of two guys having sex.

Baker: Yeah, I know.. I guess you could say I sexied it up for you! No extra charge.

Gay Guy 2: [ whispering to his buddy ] The party’s tonight.. [ to Baker ] We’ll take it.

Baker: Thank you! [ customers leave, returns to Young Man ] Uh, you’ll have to excuse me, it has been like this all day.

Young Man: What other types of cakes do you have?

Baker: Well, why don’t we take a look at our catalogue.. [ opens catalogue ] Now, you see this, it shows every sexy, titilating cake we offer. Oh, now here’s a woman squatting behind some bushes – the leaves are made of spun sugar. And.. [ laughs ]’s a lady using a little mazipan port-o-potty.

Young Man: So, all your cakes are women going to the bathroom?

Baker: Yeah. What’s your point?

Young Man: Well, don’t you have anything else?

Baker: Maybe you don’t understand – this is an erotic bakery.

Young Man: I’m sorry, I just don’t find this very erotic.

Baker: A woman gonig to the bathroom, you don’t find it erotic?

Young Man: No, not really.

Baker: Well, then, what, pray tell, would you suggest we do put on our erotic cakes?

Young Man: I don’t know.. people having sex.. female and male genitalia.. you know, something like that.

Baker: Well, if that’s what you’re after, I suggest you try Hostess or Sara Lee!

Young Man: Can’t you just make a cake with a couple on it having sex?

Baker: Alright, look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do.. I will make a cake with a woman and a man going to the bathroom. And, that way, you’ll be happy, and your friends will be happy.

Young Man: I don’t think my friends would like that, either.

Baker: Well, I would certainly like to meet these friends of yours sometime.

Young Man: Look, could we just have a cake with sex and no going to the bathroom?

Baker: May I remind you that you are going to have to eat this cake?

Young Man: I’ll tell you what – just give me a regular cake with nothing on it.

Baker: [ closes catalogue abruptly ] I’m sorry. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Young Man: Why?

Baker: This is some kind of joke, isn’t it? Who put you up to this, a fraternity?! You get out! Go on, get out of here, young man!

[ Young Man runs out of the bakery ] [ Woman enters bakery ]

Woman: Hi. Um.. it’s my fiance’s birthday.. um, can I get a cake shaped like a woman going to the bathroom?

Baker: Ab-so-lutely! [ winks at camera ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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