Ray Combs…..Phil Hartman
Bob Fitzgerald…..Kevin Nealon
Karen Fitzgerald…..Julia Sweeney
Bob Fitzgerald, Jr……Jay Mohr
Jodie Fitzgerald…..Sarah Silverman
James Baldwin…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Family Feud game show show set ]
Don Pardo V/O: It’s time for the Family Feud! With your host, Ray Combs!
Ray Combs: Alright! Thank you, Don Pardo! Let’s meet our families! First, let’s say hello to The Fitzgeralds! [ audience applauds as Ray steps up to The Fitzgeralds, an average-looking family of four ] Bob Fitzgerald, you’re the comptroller for a small trucking company in Shawnee mission, Kansas.
Bob Fitzgerald: [ meekly ] No?
Ray Combs: Sorry. [ flips through his index cards ] You’re a meat inspector from Duluth, Minnesota?
Bob Fitzgerald: That’s correct.
Ray Combs: Alright! Who do you have with you today, Bob?
Bob Fitzgerald: [ pan across to Bob’s excited family ] Well, this is my wife, Karen; and this is my son from my first marriage, Bob, Jr.; and this is our foster child, Jodie, she’s a ward of the state.
Ray Combs: Alright! Let’s meet our second family! Say hello to The Baldwins! [ crosses set to approach The Baldwins ] Alright, Alec – it says that you’re a movie star from Hollywood, California!
Alec Baldwin: That’s correct, Ray.
Ray Combs: And who do you have with you today?
Alec Baldwin: Uh, my wife, Kim, she’s also a movie star from Hollywood; and, uh, my brother, Billy, he’s a movie star; my brother Stephen is also a movie star.
Stephen Baldwin: Yo!
Alec Baldwin: And, uh, filling in for my brother, Danny, is my cousin, author James Baldwin.
James Baldwin: It is my distinct pleasure to play the Feud.
Ray Combs: Okay! Baldwins, Fitzgeralds! You heard James – let’s play the Feuuuuuuud! [ Alec and Bob meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answerrs on the boared: Name something you’d find.. in the bathroom![ Alec quickly hits the buzzer ]
Ray Combs: Alec?
Alec Baldwin: Daily Variety![ members of The Baldwins clap and chant “Good answer!” ]
Ray Combs: Show me Daily Varietyyyyyyyy!![ strike ]
Ray Combs: Ooooohhh.. Bob?
Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. extra roll of toilet paper?
Ray Combs: Show me toilet paperrrrrrr!![ board reveals “Toilet Paper 53” in top slot ]
Ray Combs: Yes! Very good! Bob! Play or pass?
Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. I think, uh.. uh, I think we’re gonna pass, it’s a tough one.[ Alec and Bob return to their families ]
Ray Combs: Alright. [ approaches Kim ] Baldwins! Kim. Something you might find in a bathroom. Three seconds.
Kim Basinger: A People’s Choice award![ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]
Ray Combs: She says a People’s Choice Award![ strike ]
Ray Combs: Oooohhh.. first strike. Let’s go to Billy. Billy, one hudred people surveyed: something you find in the bathroom.
Billy Baldwin: A fax machine.[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]
Ray Combs: Can I see a fax machiiiiine![ strike ]
Ray Combs: Ooohhh.. two strikes. Another one, and, Fitzgeralds, get ready to steal. Steve. Tell me something you might find.. in a bathroom.
Stephen Baldwin: A People’s Choice award!
Ray Combs: That’s already been said. We’re looking for something that might be found in a bathroooooom.
Stephen Baldwin: A personal trainer![ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]
Ray Combs: Show me personal trainerrrrrrrr!![ strike ]
Ray Combs: Ohhhhhhh! Okay, over to The Fitzgeralds! [ approaches The Fitzgeralds ] What have we got?[ The Fitzgeralds yell out various answers: towels, soap, plunger, toothpaste, etc. ]
Ray Combs: Bob, what’s it gonna be?
Bob Fitzgerald: Well, I heard a lot of good answers, but I’m gonna have to go with my gut. Toilet.
Ray Combs: I need a toileeeeeeeeeeeeett![ board reveals “Toilet 41” in second slot ]
Ray Combs: Yes! Karen! Kim! Let’s play the Feud! [ Kim and Karen meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board: Name someone.. you might call in an emergency![ Kim quickly hits the buzzer ]
Ray Combs: Kim!
Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz![ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]
Ray Combs: One hundred people surveyed – how many said Mike Oviiiiitz![ strike ]
Ray Combs: Oooooohhh.. sorry, Kim.
Kim Basinger: Who are these people? This is impossible!
Ray Combs: Look, why don’t we just skip this category, and give the points to The Fitzgeralds![ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]
Ray Combs: Billy! Bob, Jr.! Come on, let’s play the Feud![ Kim and Karen return to their families, as Billy and Bob, Jr. meet Ray at the podium ]
Ray Combs: A hundred regular, average American citizens surveyed. Ordinary, run-of-the-mill Joes, Billy. Their top three answers on the board: Name a city you might find in The Bible![ Billy quickly hits the buzzer ]
Ray Combs: Billy?
Billy Baldwin: That would be Aspen.[ The Baldwins cheer ]
Ray Combs: Okay, why don’t we move on with this one and just give the points to The Fitzgeralds![ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]
Kim Basinger: Come on!
Ray Combs: Oh, settle down, Kim! Now, let’s keep this moving. Stephen! Jodie! Come on, let’s play the Feud![ Billy and Bob, Jr. return to their families, as Stephen and Jodie meet Ray at the podium ]
Ray Combs: Okay, final round, triple the points, so, Baldwins.. you still can win! [ flips ] Okay, okay! Steve. We surveted a hundred Hollywood actresses, top three answers on the board: Things you do over Christmas![ Stephen quickly hits the buzzer ]
Ray Combs: Stephen.
Stephen Baldwin: Liposuction![ The Baldwins cheer ]
Ray Combs: Show me Liposuctiiiiiiiion![ board reveals “Liposuction 46” in top slot ]
Ray Combs: Number One answer! [ approaches The Baldwins ] James Baldwin, one hundred actresses surveyed. Things you do over Christmas.
James Baldwin: Hmm.. I should know this.. [ thinking ] Ah, yes, uh.. breast reduction, like the OPunky Brewster girl.[ The Baldwins cheer ]
Ray Combs: Punky Brewster had a breast reductiiiiiiion![ board reveals “Breast Reduction 31” in second slot ]
Ray Combs: Yes! Okay! One to go. Alec. [ in a whisper ] One hundred actresses surveyed.. something.. you do.. over Christmas.
Alec Baldwin: [ thinking ] Collagen injections!
Ray Combs: Barbara Hershey had it – collagen injections![ board reveals “Collagen Injections 26” in bottom slot ] [ The Baldwins cheer their win ]
Ray Combs: Congratulations, Baldwins! You ran the category and.. win the game! Alright, it’s time for our Quick Money round! Who wants to play!
Baldwins: Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim!
Ray Combs: Kim! Join me over here, you have fifteen sdeconds! [ Kim follows Ray to the center of the set ] One hundred people surveyed – go! [ clock begins ticking ] A place you might go for a birthday.
Kim Basinger: Spago.
Ray Combs: Something you do before leaving work.
Kim Basinger: Call Spago!
Ray Combs: Something you might read on a bus.
Kim Basinger: Spago’s menu!
Ray Combs: A place where you might look for a lost sock.
Kim Basinger: Spago!
Ray Combs: And, someone you might call while on vacation.
Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz![ The Baldwins cheer ]
Ray Combs: Okay, you said Spago for almost every answer. Let’s see… Spagooooooooo!![ the board reveals blanks and zeroes all the way down, except for a single point for the Mike Ovitz answer ]
Ray Combs: Zero.. zero.. zero.. zero.. Mike Ovitz, 1! Okay! Each point is worth five dollars! Baldwins, you win five dollars!! Come on! [ all The Baldwins join Ray and Kim at the center of the set, as they wave goodbye ] That’s it, wave goodbye![ “Mark Goodson Production” logo appears on screen ]
Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Saturday Night Live”‘s 300th game show parody! Congratulations, guys![ fade ]