Family Feud


Family Feud

Ray Combs…..Phil Hartman
Bob Fitzgerald…..Kevin Nealon
Karen Fitzgerald…..Julia Sweeney
Bob Fitzgerald, Jr……Jay Mohr
Jodie Fitzgerald…..Sarah Silverman
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger
…..Billy Baldwin
…..Stephen Baldwin
James Baldwin…..Tim Meadows


[ open on Family Feud game show show set ]

Don Pardo V/O: It’s time for the Family Feud! With your host, Ray Combs!

[ Ray Combs runs onto the sight, hyper and excited ]

Ray Combs: Alright! Thank you, Don Pardo! Let’s meet our families! First, let’s say hello to The Fitzgeralds! [ audience applauds as Ray steps up to The Fitzgeralds, an average-looking family of four ] Bob Fitzgerald, you’re the comptroller for a small trucking company in Shawnee mission, Kansas.

Bob Fitzgerald: [ meekly ] No?

Ray Combs: Sorry. [ flips through his index cards ] You’re a meat inspector from Duluth, Minnesota?

Bob Fitzgerald: That’s correct.

Ray Combs: Alright! Who do you have with you today, Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: [ pan across to Bob’s excited family ] Well, this is my wife, Karen; and this is my son from my first marriage, Bob, Jr.; and this is our foster child, Jodie, she’s a ward of the state.

Ray Combs: Alright! Let’s meet our second family! Say hello to The Baldwins! [ crosses set to approach The Baldwins ] Alright, Alec – it says that you’re a movie star from Hollywood, California!

Alec Baldwin: That’s correct, Ray.

Ray Combs: And who do you have with you today?

Alec Baldwin: Uh, my wife, Kim, she’s also a movie star from Hollywood; and, uh, my brother, Billy, he’s a movie star; my brother Stephen is also a movie star.

Stephen Baldwin: Yo!

Alec Baldwin: And, uh, filling in for my brother, Danny, is my cousin, author James Baldwin.

James Baldwin: It is my distinct pleasure to play the Feud.

Ray Combs: Okay! Baldwins, Fitzgeralds! You heard James – let’s play the Feuuuuuuud! [ Alec and Bob meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answerrs on the boared: Name something you’d find.. in the bathroom!

[ Alec quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Alec?

Alec Baldwin: Daily Variety!

[ members of The Baldwins clap and chant “Good answer!” ]

Ray Combs: Show me Daily Varietyyyyyyyy!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooooohhh.. Bob?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. extra roll of toilet paper?

Ray Combs: Show me toilet paperrrrrrr!!

[ board reveals “Toilet Paper 53” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Very good! Bob! Play or pass?

Bob Fitzgerald: Uh.. I think, uh.. uh, I think we’re gonna pass, it’s a tough one.

[ Alec and Bob return to their families ]

Ray Combs: Alright. [ approaches Kim ] Baldwins! Kim. Something you might find in a bathroom. Three seconds.

Kim Basinger: A People’s Choice award!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: She says a People’s Choice Award!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooohhh.. first strike. Let’s go to Billy. Billy, one hudred people surveyed: something you find in the bathroom.

Billy Baldwin: A fax machine.

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Can I see a fax machiiiiine!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ooohhh.. two strikes. Another one, and, Fitzgeralds, get ready to steal. Steve. Tell me something you might find.. in a bathroom.

Stephen Baldwin: A People’s Choice award!

Ray Combs: That’s already been said. We’re looking for something that might be found in a bathroooooom.

Stephen Baldwin: A personal trainer!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me personal trainerrrrrrrr!!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Ohhhhhhh! Okay, over to The Fitzgeralds! [ approaches The Fitzgeralds ] What have we got?

[ The Fitzgeralds yell out various answers: towels, soap, plunger, toothpaste, etc. ]

Ray Combs: Bob, what’s it gonna be?

Bob Fitzgerald: Well, I heard a lot of good answers, but I’m gonna have to go with my gut. Toilet.

Ray Combs: I need a toileeeeeeeeeeeeett!

[ board reveals “Toilet 41” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Karen! Kim! Let’s play the Feud! [ Kim and Karen meet Ray at the podium ] A hundred people surveyed, top five answers on the board: Name someone.. you might call in an emergency!

[ Kim quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Kim!

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins clap and cheer ]

Ray Combs: One hundred people surveyed – how many said Mike Oviiiiitz!

[ strike ]

Ray Combs: Oooooohhh.. sorry, Kim.

Kim Basinger: Who are these people? This is impossible!

Ray Combs: Look, why don’t we just skip this category, and give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Ray Combs: Billy! Bob, Jr.! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Kim and Karen return to their families, as Billy and Bob, Jr. meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: A hundred regular, average American citizens surveyed. Ordinary, run-of-the-mill Joes, Billy. Their top three answers on the board: Name a city you might find in The Bible!

[ Billy quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Billy?

Billy Baldwin: That would be Aspen.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, why don’t we move on with this one and just give the points to The Fitzgeralds!

[ The Fitzgeralds cheer ]

Kim Basinger: Come on!

Ray Combs: Oh, settle down, Kim! Now, let’s keep this moving. Stephen! Jodie! Come on, let’s play the Feud!

[ Billy and Bob, Jr. return to their families, as Stephen and Jodie meet Ray at the podium ]

Ray Combs: Okay, final round, triple the points, so, Baldwins.. you still can win! [ flips ] Okay, okay! Steve. We surveted a hundred Hollywood actresses, top three answers on the board: Things you do over Christmas!

[ Stephen quickly hits the buzzer ]

Ray Combs: Stephen.

Stephen Baldwin: Liposuction!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Show me Liposuctiiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Liposuction 46” in top slot ]

Ray Combs: Number One answer! [ approaches The Baldwins ] James Baldwin, one hundred actresses surveyed. Things you do over Christmas.

James Baldwin: Hmm.. I should know this.. [ thinking ] Ah, yes, uh.. breast reduction, like the OPunky Brewster girl.

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Punky Brewster had a breast reductiiiiiiion!

[ board reveals “Breast Reduction 31” in second slot ]

Ray Combs: Yes! Okay! One to go. Alec. [ in a whisper ] One hundred actresses surveyed.. something.. you do.. over Christmas.

Alec Baldwin: [ thinking ] Collagen injections!

Ray Combs: Barbara Hershey had it – collagen injections!

[ board reveals “Collagen Injections 26” in bottom slot ]

[ The Baldwins cheer their win ]

Ray Combs: Congratulations, Baldwins! You ran the category and.. win the game! Alright, it’s time for our Quick Money round! Who wants to play!

Baldwins: Kim! Kim! Kim! Kim!

Ray Combs: Kim! Join me over here, you have fifteen sdeconds! [ Kim follows Ray to the center of the set ] One hundred people surveyed – go! [ clock begins ticking ] A place you might go for a birthday.

Kim Basinger: Spago.

Ray Combs: Something you do before leaving work.

Kim Basinger: Call Spago!

Ray Combs: Something you might read on a bus.

Kim Basinger: Spago’s menu!

Ray Combs: A place where you might look for a lost sock.

Kim Basinger: Spago!

Ray Combs: And, someone you might call while on vacation.

Kim Basinger: Mike Ovitz!

[ The Baldwins cheer ]

Ray Combs: Okay, you said Spago for almost every answer. Let’s see… Spagooooooooo!!

[ the board reveals blanks and zeroes all the way down, except for a single point for the Mike Ovitz answer ]

Ray Combs: Zero.. zero.. zero.. zero.. Mike Ovitz, 1! Okay! Each point is worth five dollars! Baldwins, you win five dollars!! Come on! [ all The Baldwins join Ray and Kim at the center of the set, as they wave goodbye ] That’s it, wave goodbye!

[ “Mark Goodson Production” logo appears on screen ]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Saturday Night Live”‘s 300th game show parody! Congratulations, guys!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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