Alec Baldwin’s Goodfellas


Alec Baldwin’s Goodfellas

…..Alec Baldwin
Skinny Lou…..Fred Wolf
Jimmy “Two-Times”…..Jay Mohr
Bobby “Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Jimmy “Five-Times”…..Rob Scneider
Bobby”Buckethead”…..Chris Farley
Johnny “Big Balls”…..Phil Hartman
Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”….Norm MacDonald
Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi…..Kevin Nealon
Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-In-Here?” Washington…..Ellen Cleghorne
Gina “The Clap” Vanetti…..Julia Sweeney
“Out-of-Focus” Eddie…..David Spade
“Naked” Derek…..Tim Meadows
Jonny “The Informer”…..Mike Myers
Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”…..Kim Basinger
Ed “The Complete Idiot”…..Adam Sandler

Alec Baldwin: Hello, I’m Alec Baldwin. Whenever I come back to New York, I visit my old neighborhood of Massapequa, Long Island . A lot of guys I grew up with are still there. Tough guys. We called ’em “wise guys”. And even though I became an actor, as far back as I can remember – I always wanted to be a “wise guy”.

[ cut to footage of Massapequa ] [ Music Over: “Rags To Riches”, Tony Bennett ]

Alec Voiceover: When I was growing up in Massapequa, the mob wasall over the place. Because I knew them, I was treated with respect.

[ dissolve to interior, Bamboo Lounge, where the camera pans across theroom to each mobster, one at a time ]

Alec Voiceover: I remember there was Jimmy and Tommy..

Jimmy & Tommy; Hey-hey!

Alec Voiceover: There was Frankie Carboni..

Frankie Carboni: Hey, how ya doin’?

Alec Voiceover: There was my brother’s friend, Skinny Lou..

Skinny Lou: Hey, I took care of the thing for ya.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Two-Times”, who got that nicknamebecause he said everything twice..

Jimmy “Two-Times”: I’m gonna go get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: You had Bobby “Buckethead”..

Bobby Buckethead: [ wearing bucket on his head ] Hey, what’s up, Alec?

Alec Voiceover: And there was Jimmy “Five-Times”..

Jimy “Five-Times”: I gotta get the papers. Get the papers. Get the papers. [ pause ] Get the papers. Get the papers.

Alec Voiceover: There was Johnny “Big Balls”..

Johnny “Big Balls”: Hey, I got something to show you! [ Alec’s handgoes up ] Alright, suit yourself.

Alec Voiceover: And Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”..

Ricky “Pause-and-Shout”: Hey, how’s it.. [ pause ] ..goin’!

Alec Voiceover: And there was Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi..

Nick “The Puppet” Lamponi: [ holds puppet out ] How ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: And Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington..

Denise “Who-Let-Her-Kind-in-Here?” Washington: I got off at the wrongsubway stop.

Alec Voiceover: And there was Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro..

Sonny “Via-From-Satellite” Vanerro: [ shown on TV set perched on barcounter ] Hey! Greetings from Tokyo! [ laughs ]

Alec Voiceover: And there was Anthony “Santa” DeJenko..

Anthony “Santa” DeJenko: [ walks past wearing Santa suit ] Hey, how’sit goin’?

Alec Voiceover: And the girls – “Cold Sore” Carol and Gina “The Clap”Vanetti..

Gina “The Clap” Vanetti: How come you don’t call me?

Alec Voiceover: You had “Out-of-Focus” Eddie..

“Out-of-Focus” Eddie: [ fuzzy camera view ] What ya’ lookin’ at..?

Alec Voiceover: And don’t forget Pete “The Pedophile”..

Pete “The Pedophile”: Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: And “Naked” Derek..

“Naked” Derek: [ naked ] Hey, when ya’ gonna bring the kids over?

Alec Voiceover: My sister’s friend, Johnnyy “The Informer”..

Johnny “The Informer”: [ talking into gun handle ] Hey, hey, Alec, justbetween youse and me, what’s the good word on the street? What’s goin’on, huh? [ points pistol at camera ]

Alec Voiceover: He wasn’t too popular. Also, there was Stacy”Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”..

Stacy “Kinda-Looks-Like-Kim-Basinger”: How are ya’?

Alec Voiceover: She was real popular. And, of course, there wasEd “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: : Hi.

Alec Voiceover: .. who we decided to call that because he was acomplete idiot.

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: What’s up?

Alec Voiceover: You see, he was such a moron, the name kinda suggesteditself..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: Yeah, how ya’ doin’?

Alec Voiceover: First, it was just Ed “The Idiot”, but it didn’tseem enough – hence, Ed “The Complete Idiot”..

Ed “The Complete Idiot”: [ angry ] Alright, we get it! I’m an idiot!Move on!

Alec Baldwin: [ now stands in front of the camera ] And, of course,there I was. Those were great days back then. Everyone had a greatnickname, except me. Although, sometimes they used to call me “Wide Load”.I have no idea where that came from. [ walks off to reveal a huge butt, thenturns around ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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