Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger’s Monologue
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Kim Basinger
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger!
Alec Baldwin: Thank you very much, thank you! Thank you! Ity’s a thrill to be hosting “Saturday Night Live.”
Kim Basinger: Especially this weekend.
Alec Baldwin: Because, as I’m sure a lot of you already know, Kim and I are newlyweds.
[ audience applauds ]
Kim Basinger: And this will be our first Valentine’s together as husband and wife!
Alec Baldwin: [ shyly ] Honey? don’t be embarrassed, but.. uh.. I love you.
Kim Basinger: I love you, too.
[ they kiss ]
Kim Basinger: But, you know, Alec.. I love you so much. I don’t want to keep anything from you.
Alec Baldwin: [ a little nervous ] Okay.
Kim Basinger: That’s why I have a confession to make: I have no respect for you as an actor. [ a beat ] Do you hate me now?
Alec Baldwin: Hate you? Hate you? Why.. the fact that you could be so honest and forthright with me on national television makes me love you more than ever!
Kim Basinger: [ happily ] That’s such a relief!
Alec Baldwin: Darling, I have a confession of my own. Uh, recently, I took the liberty of drugging you and making a plaster cast of your naked body, and, uh.. selling it to an inflatable doll company. [ a beat ] You must really hate me now.
Kim Basinger: Hate you? Why, that’s.. the most flattering thing I ever heard!
Alec Baldwin: [ relieved ] You mean it!
Kim Basinger: Why, the fact that you thought enough of my body to share it with the entire porno industry! Why, I-I couldn’t love you more than I do right now! [ suddenly uneasy again ] Darling —
Alec Baldwin: Say it.
Kim Basinger: [ at last ] Until two weeks before our wedding.. I thought I was marrying your brother Billy.
Alec Baldwin: I see.
Kim Basinger: I was going to call it off, now.. but I was afraid I would look like a real idiot, so I just.. Do you hate me, darling?
Alec Baldwin: Hate you? [ chuckles ]
Kim Basinger: [ laughs nervously ]
Alec Baldwin: You know I love my brother Billy, and the fact that we share those feelings makes me love you twice as much as before!
Kim Basinger: [ squeals happily ] Wow!
Alec Baldwin: [ becomes serious ] Darling, I want to ask you something, but I’m worried that you’ll hate me.
Kim Basinger: Nothing you could say – nothing – would make me hate you.
Alec Baldwin: Alright. How do you pronounce your last name? Is it Bay-singer, or Bass-inger? [ Kim is silent ] You hate me for not knowing, don’t you?
Kim Basinger: The fact that you would explore every possible way of pronouncing my name.. that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. And I do love you! [ wraps her arms around Alec and kisses him ]
Alec Baldwin: [ happily ] Oh, I love you! But, which is it?
Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.
Alec Baldwin: I love you, Kim Base-singer!
Kim Basinger: Bay-singer.
Alec Baldwin: Oh, right, right..
Kim Basinger: Darling?
Alec Baldwin: Yes?
Kim Basinger: This is very hard for me to say, so I’m .. I’m just gonna say it: I wanted to host the show alone.
Alec Baldwin: Uh-huh?
Kim Basinger: Because you’re not that funny.. and it makes me nervous to be around you. [ stunned, Alec silently looks at the floor ] Alec, you’re not saying anything? Are you thinking about how much you hate me?
Alec Baldwin: Kim, I am standing here trying to find the words to express how much more I love you than I did just ten seconds ago. I’m not sure why, but what you just said, about me not being that funny, and making you feel uncomfortable, makes me the happiest man alive!
Kim Basinger: [ touched immensely ] Oh.. darling! I love you so much!
Alec Baldwin: I love you!
[ they wrap their arms around one another for a loving kiss ]
Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show tonight! UB40 is here!
Kim Basinger: [ arms still wrapped around Alec ] Stick around! We’ll be right back!
