Romantic Man…..Alec Baldwin
Guy Young…..Mike Myers
Van Piedmont…..Phil Hartman
[ open on interior, elegant restaurant on Valentine’s night ]
Woman: [ happily ] Don’t you think that this is the perfect place for Valentine’s Day?
Boyfriend: [ more interested in the meal on his plate ] Yeah. The courses are kind of skimpy.
Woman: I’m just saying, this is a very romantic place to have dinner.
Boyfriend: Really? Good. [ takes a sip from his drink ]
Woman: Are you going to tell me that you don’t know what I’m talking about again? I mean, I’m kind of hoping that tonight will be a little different.. with the candlelight, and the ambience. I thought tonight you might even tell me that you love me.
Boyfriend: Hey, come on – we’ve been living together for five years. Who else would I love? [ eyes his woman’s plate ] Are you gonna eat that?
Woman: [ frustrated ] Oh, I give up!
[ a suave gentleman dressed in a tuxedo enters the scene ]
Romantic Man: [ speaking in a sexy French accent ] Excuse me. I believe what you need.. is a romantic leading man.
Woman: Oh, my God! How did you know? Yes! I do!
Romantic Man: Allow me to introduce myself. I am a romantic man. Ze romantic man you’ve seen in so many of ze old movies. Like Cary Grant.. Clark Gable.. Charles Boyer. Who always get ze leading lady, and zey stay in love forever! You see, I, a romantic man, can stay in love. For I love love.
Woman: [ squeals with delight ] Well, Romantic Man, how do you do!
Romantic Man: Very well. Cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]
Woman: Oh! No, thank you. I don’t smoke.
Romantic Man: I can, however. Without fear of ze cancer. Because I am a romantic man. And who is your lucky companion? [ lights his cigarette ]
Woman: Oh, uh.. this is my boyfriend, Wally.
Romantic Man: Wally, old man – would you like a cigarette? [ offers a cigarette ]
Boyfriend: No. That’s okay.
Romantic Man: See? Don’t I look better with a cigarette? [ a beat ] Now.. you are probably wondering: what exactly is ze definition of a romantic man? Life for him is divided into two emotions: love.. and waiting to be loved.
Woman: You’re kidding. So, you’re not afraid of commitment?
Romantic Man: No. In fact.. right now, I am waiting to be loved.. by you.
Woman: [ squeals ] Ooh..
Romantic Man: Would you like to meet a couple of friends of mine, while I am waiting?
Woman: Well.. sure! [ chippers happily ]
[ Romantic Man steps to the back of the restaurant, and signals to two more romantic men off-screen down a hall ]
Boyfriend: Hold on, we don’t even know this guy!
Woman: Hey, I like him.
Boyfriend: [ mimicking ] “I like him.” Yeah, well — you know.
[ Romantic Man returns with his two friends, each dressed as he is in the old Hollywood style. Romantic Man stands between Van Piedmnot and Guy Young. ]
Romantic Man: Here are two more romantic men: Guy Young and Van Piedmont. Both big oil men, and tap dancers.
Guy Piedmont: [ leans in at table ] Hello. Cigarette? [ offers woman a cigarette ]
Woman: [ delighted ] No, thank you.
Van Piedmont: Charmed, I’m sure. [ picks up woman’s hand and kisses it ] Cigarette? [ offers cigarette to the boyfriend ]
Woman: Oh! You know, that’s a great expression from the old movies: “Charmed, I’m sure.” What does it mean, exactly?
Van Piedmont: I’m not sure!
[ all three romantic men share a hearty laugh ]
Guy Piedmont: May we sit down?
[ without waiting for an answer, the three romantic men suavely pull chairs away from other tables, and sit at the woman’s table in the same positions as when they were standing. The woman is equally charmed. ]
Woman: So.. where are you from?
Guy Piedmont: Texas, actually. Mighty pretty country. I’ve got quite a spread there – three-and-a-half million acres.
Romantic Man: I’ve got 65 million acres! But it can get lonely there, when you are a romantic man who loves love.
Boyfriend: [ accusingly ] Let me ask you something, pal! Any of you have real jobs, or just, uh.. this?
Romantic Man: A job?
[ the three romantic men share another hearty laugh ]
Romantic Man: Well, I’ve been a cat burglar, a master spy, a dancer, a rogue, a rascal, and a raconteur. But being a romantic man is its own full-time job. Let me tell you what I do, in zat kind of work.
[ piano and violin music pots up ]
[ the three romantic man stand and light cigarettes in one another’s mouthes with suave ease, as the lights dim ]
Romantic Man: [ singing ]
“I love you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
I need you, ’cause I’m a romaaaaantic maaaaan.
You can’t find a man who feels for you more ga-ga
And too romantic for words, so la-la-la-la la la.”
[ Van Piedmont kneels in front of woman ]
Van Piedmont: “I’m handsome, ’cause I’m a romantic man.”
[ Guy Young grabs woman’s shoulders from behind ]
Guy Young: “I’m frantic, ’cause I’m romantic, too.”
[ all three romantic men stand in a line; Woman dances a twirl in front of them ]
Three Romantic Men: [ singing ]
“My mind is on location with my heart, it’s true
Yes, they are, both of them loving you-ou-ou!
[ the three romantic men lean in to extinguish their cigarettes on the table, as the lights come up again ]
Romantic Man: [ to Woman ] So! Shall we go, my dear, and ditch zis loser?
Woman: Well.. what would life really be like? I mean.. if I’m with you, a romantic man, forever and ever?
Romantic Man: Well, I.. don’t really know how we would live. I have no idea. Ze movie always ends before zis part. [ turns to Van Piedmont ] Cigarette?
Van Piedmont: Thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]
Romantic Man: [ turns to Guy Young ] My friend?
Guy Young: Why, thank you. [ takes a cigarette ]
Boyfriend: Sweetheart? [ Woman turns her focus to him ] You don’t need this guy, because.. well, first of all, one guy kept touching me. And, second.. I love you.
Woman: [ happy at last ] Oh, Wally, I love you, too! [ kisses her boyfriend, then stands to break the news to the romantic men, who have already walked away from the table and disappeared ] I’m sorry, all of you, but — They’re gone.
Boyfriend: [ stands ] But, still.. you have your romantic man. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Woman: Thank you, honey.
[ they kiss again, then dance around the restaurant as the scene fades ]