Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley … Al Franken
Martin L. … Martin Lawrence
Announcer … Phil Hartman


[Daily Affirmation opening montage: still photos ofhost Stuart Smalley float across the sky before wedissolve to a gorgeous sunset.]

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I amentitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beatmyself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to bewith.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley” –Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member ofseveral 12-step programs, but not a licensedtherapist.

[Dissolve to Stuart wearing his crocheted bluepullover sweater, seated in his favorite chair andgiving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror.Also visible in the mirror is his hostile, restlessguest, Martin L., who sits beside him making faces ofimpatience and disgust.]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show todayand I’m going help people, because I’m good enough,I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.[turns to camera] Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley and withme today, we have Martin L., an African-Americancomedian. Uh, and that’s the word he asked me to use,African-American. And we’re all entitled to be calledwhat we want. And, uh, Martin, I owe you an amendsbecause earlier, before the show, I – I referred toyou as black, being black.

Martin L.: [threateningly] Yeah, well, I’m no moreblack than you are white. So watch what you say.

Stuart Smalley: [smiles, to the camera] Okay. Uh, andthat is a good point, uh, you know, I mean, I am – Iam not white. Uh, I’m more … um … flesh-colored.

Martin L.: So what – so what you sayin’? Huh? Huh?[off his skin] This ain’t flesh? Huh? Why a brothercan’t be flesh, huh? Huh?

Stuart Smalley: [flustered] No! No, I, eh, I was notsaying– I do– I would never mean– I owe you anotheramends. I apologize.

Martin L.: You know what, man? I – I – I’m throughhearin’ the white man’s apology. Please!

Stuart Smalley: Well, actually, as you ‘member, I’mnot white. You see? I’m actually, you know, lighter,uh, pinker of the flesh tones.

Martin L.: Look, man, shut up, all right, with allthat. Damn! This “I’m white. I’m–” Shut up! Please!You know, I’m so tired o’ hearin’ the white man’sexcuses, all right? I still ain’t got my forty acresand a mule.

Stuart Smalley: Uh huh. Now, is this something thatour producer promised you? Because, you know,sometimes he overcommits — which is one of hisproblems. He’s a – he’s a people-pleaser and it canbecome inappropriate and–

Martin L.: You know what, man? I’m gonna tell you likethis: if you don’t shut yo’ ass up, I’m tellin’ you,man, I’m tellin’ you!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, can I – can I say something? I- I am hearing a lot of anger.

Martin L.: No, man! Okay, what you are hearin’ is fourhunnert years of oppression! That’s what you hearin’!

Stuart Smalley: Okay, that’s good! Uhh… [smiles, tothe camera] Trace it, face it and erase it! And, youknow, because your people have, you know, been throughan incredible amount of dysfunction. I mean, you know,I mean, you know, I can’t think of anything moredysfunctional than slavery, you know, unless– maybealcoholism. You know? But good for you for tracing theanger.

Martin L.: Don’t patronize me, man! Okay? You don’t know what my people have been through. Please don’t do it.

Stuart Smalley: Okay. Another good point. Um, but,still, I am feeling the anger. And – and – but that’s….. okay. It’s okay to be angry. So, Martin, I’dlike you to try something. I want you to just … beangry.

Martin L.: What?!

Stuart Smalley: You just … sit with your anger. Just… feel the anger.

Martin L.: [fidgeting animatedly] Sometimes I want toput a foot hole in somebody’s ass!

Stuart Smalley: That’s good!

Martin L.: I want to stomp it all out!

Stuart Smalley: That’s it!

Martin L.: Oh, man, sometimes I wanna WHOOP! [stareshard at Stuart, eyeball to eyeball]

Stuart Smalley: Very good. Very good. Now, how–? Doyou feel like a hug?

Martin L.: [gives Stuart the fish-eye] Please! Man,I’m not with that, all right? I ain’t huggin’ no homo!

Stuart Smalley: What did you call me?

Martin L.: Please! You heard me. I said “Ho – mo!”Fairy queen! Ass pirate!

Stuart Smalley: Okay. And, um, why would you make this assumption?

Martin L.: [starts laughing, fingers Stuart’s bluepullover as if the answer were obvious]

Stuart Smalley: [raising a hand in protest] Uh, this is not –

Martin L.: Aren’t you?

Stuart Smalley: This is not a topic to be discussed.Uh, it is very inappropriate. And I do not know whyyou assume. Because when you assume, you make an assout of Uma Thurman. [smiles, to the camera] Isn’t thata cute joke? Isn’t that clever? [to Martin] But I willnot take this from anyone — from you or anyone.

Martin L.: You know what? Listen, man, I – I– maybe Icame off wrong before. It was–

Stuart Smalley: [loses it completely and startsyelling over Martin] No, no, no, you listen! No, shutup! No, no! Shut up!

Martin L.: Brother–

Stuart Smalley: No, shut up! No, you shut up! You shutup! You shut up! And listen! Why don’t you listen?!’Cause I am not gonna stand for this! And I have had–I have put up with enough abuse in my life — ’cause Ihave been abused! And I have– And I will not take itany more. I am not– [cheers and applause]

Martin L.: [chastened, his whole attitude changes]Stuart, uh, Small, I’m really sorry. ‘Cause I’m comin’on your show, I got upset. [distressed] Look, I wasabused too, man! Do you think you–?

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it.

Martin L.: No, do you think you the only one that was abused?!

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it, Martin.

Martin L.: [deeply distressed, half-singing] I was alonely child – with no direction – with no purpose – I- I was neglected – Sometimes, I didn’t get huggedwhen I wanted to get hugged!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, who did you want to hug you?

Martin L.: Ohh…

Stuart Smalley: Was it – was it your dad?

Martin L.: [crying] Ohhhhhh, maaaaaaan! It was myfather! He wasn’t there, Small!

Stuart Smalley: My father wasn’t there for me either,emotionally, because he was a slave — and his masterwas the bottle.

Martin L.: Word? Your father was on the bottle, too?

Stuart Smalley: Word.

Martin L.: [both men cry] You know, Smerl… I knowhow you feel. Will you give me a hug? [they hug] Oh,Smerl! [sobbing] I love you, Smerl!

Stuart Smalley: I love you, too, Martin. I love you.

Martin L.: [suddenly uncomfortable] Ah, all right! Get off! Get off! Get off! [they break the clinch] Ah, ooh!

Stuart Smalley: Martin?

Martin L.: [relieved] That felt– Ooh, that feelsgood! I – I – I feel fresh, Smerl. Whooo!

Stuart Smalley: [smiles into the camera] That’s -that’s what I do. Well, we’ve had a terrific show.And, you know what? We deserve it.

Martin L.: Yeah.

Stuart Smalley: [turns to the mirror] Because I’m goodenough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people likeme. And Martin. [Martin is visible in the mirrorbehind Stuart nodding affirmatively]

Announcer: This has been today’s Daily Affirmationwith Stuart Smalley.

Submitted Anonymously

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