Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley … Al Franken
Martin L. … Martin Lawrence
Announcer … Phil Hartman


[Daily Affirmation opening montage: still photos ofhost Stuart Smalley float across the sky before wedissolve to a gorgeous sunset.]

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I amentitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beatmyself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to bewith.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley” –Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member ofseveral 12-step programs, but not a licensedtherapist.

[Dissolve to Stuart wearing his crocheted bluepullover sweater, seated in his favorite chair andgiving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror.Also visible in the mirror is his hostile, restlessguest, Martin L., who sits beside him making faces ofimpatience and disgust.]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show todayand I’m going help people, because I’m good enough,I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.[turns to camera] Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley and withme today, we have Martin L., an African-Americancomedian. Uh, and that’s the word he asked me to use,African-American. And we’re all entitled to be calledwhat we want. And, uh, Martin, I owe you an amendsbecause earlier, before the show, I – I referred toyou as black, being black.

Martin L.: [threateningly] Yeah, well, I’m no moreblack than you are white. So watch what you say.

Stuart Smalley: [smiles, to the camera] Okay. Uh, andthat is a good point, uh, you know, I mean, I am – Iam not white. Uh, I’m more … um … flesh-colored.

Martin L.: So what – so what you sayin’? Huh? Huh?[off his skin] This ain’t flesh? Huh? Why a brothercan’t be flesh, huh? Huh?

Stuart Smalley: [flustered] No! No, I, eh, I was notsaying– I do– I would never mean– I owe you anotheramends. I apologize.

Martin L.: You know what, man? I – I – I’m throughhearin’ the white man’s apology. Please!

Stuart Smalley: Well, actually, as you ‘member, I’mnot white. You see? I’m actually, you know, lighter,uh, pinker of the flesh tones.

Martin L.: Look, man, shut up, all right, with allthat. Damn! This “I’m white. I’m–” Shut up! Please!You know, I’m so tired o’ hearin’ the white man’sexcuses, all right? I still ain’t got my forty acresand a mule.

Stuart Smalley: Uh huh. Now, is this something thatour producer promised you? Because, you know,sometimes he overcommits — which is one of hisproblems. He’s a – he’s a people-pleaser and it canbecome inappropriate and–

Martin L.: You know what, man? I’m gonna tell you likethis: if you don’t shut yo’ ass up, I’m tellin’ you,man, I’m tellin’ you!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, can I – can I say something? I- I am hearing a lot of anger.

Martin L.: No, man! Okay, what you are hearin’ is fourhunnert years of oppression! That’s what you hearin’!

Stuart Smalley: Okay, that’s good! Uhh… [smiles, tothe camera] Trace it, face it and erase it! And, youknow, because your people have, you know, been throughan incredible amount of dysfunction. I mean, you know,I mean, you know, I can’t think of anything moredysfunctional than slavery, you know, unless– maybealcoholism. You know? But good for you for tracing theanger.

Martin L.: Don’t patronize me, man! Okay? You don’t know what my people have been through. Please don’t do it.

Stuart Smalley: Okay. Another good point. Um, but,still, I am feeling the anger. And – and – but that’s….. okay. It’s okay to be angry. So, Martin, I’dlike you to try something. I want you to just … beangry.

Martin L.: What?!

Stuart Smalley: You just … sit with your anger. Just… feel the anger.

Martin L.: [fidgeting animatedly] Sometimes I want toput a foot hole in somebody’s ass!

Stuart Smalley: That’s good!

Martin L.: I want to stomp it all out!

Stuart Smalley: That’s it!

Martin L.: Oh, man, sometimes I wanna WHOOP! [stareshard at Stuart, eyeball to eyeball]

Stuart Smalley: Very good. Very good. Now, how–? Doyou feel like a hug?

Martin L.: [gives Stuart the fish-eye] Please! Man,I’m not with that, all right? I ain’t huggin’ no homo!

Stuart Smalley: What did you call me?

Martin L.: Please! You heard me. I said “Ho – mo!”Fairy queen! Ass pirate!

Stuart Smalley: Okay. And, um, why would you make this assumption?

Martin L.: [starts laughing, fingers Stuart’s bluepullover as if the answer were obvious]

Stuart Smalley: [raising a hand in protest] Uh, this is not –

Martin L.: Aren’t you?

Stuart Smalley: This is not a topic to be discussed.Uh, it is very inappropriate. And I do not know whyyou assume. Because when you assume, you make an assout of Uma Thurman. [smiles, to the camera] Isn’t thata cute joke? Isn’t that clever? [to Martin] But I willnot take this from anyone — from you or anyone.

Martin L.: You know what? Listen, man, I – I– maybe Icame off wrong before. It was–

Stuart Smalley: [loses it completely and startsyelling over Martin] No, no, no, you listen! No, shutup! No, no! Shut up!

Martin L.: Brother–

Stuart Smalley: No, shut up! No, you shut up! You shutup! You shut up! And listen! Why don’t you listen?!’Cause I am not gonna stand for this! And I have had–I have put up with enough abuse in my life — ’cause Ihave been abused! And I have– And I will not take itany more. I am not– [cheers and applause]

Martin L.: [chastened, his whole attitude changes]Stuart, uh, Small, I’m really sorry. ‘Cause I’m comin’on your show, I got upset. [distressed] Look, I wasabused too, man! Do you think you–?

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it.

Martin L.: No, do you think you the only one that was abused?!

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it, Martin.

Martin L.: [deeply distressed, half-singing] I was alonely child – with no direction – with no purpose – I- I was neglected – Sometimes, I didn’t get huggedwhen I wanted to get hugged!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, who did you want to hug you?

Martin L.: Ohh…

Stuart Smalley: Was it – was it your dad?

Martin L.: [crying] Ohhhhhh, maaaaaaan! It was myfather! He wasn’t there, Small!

Stuart Smalley: My father wasn’t there for me either,emotionally, because he was a slave — and his masterwas the bottle.

Martin L.: Word? Your father was on the bottle, too?

Stuart Smalley: Word.

Martin L.: [both men cry] You know, Smerl… I knowhow you feel. Will you give me a hug? [they hug] Oh,Smerl! [sobbing] I love you, Smerl!

Stuart Smalley: I love you, too, Martin. I love you.

Martin L.: [suddenly uncomfortable] Ah, all right! Get off! Get off! Get off! [they break the clinch] Ah, ooh!

Stuart Smalley: Martin?

Martin L.: [relieved] That felt– Ooh, that feelsgood! I – I – I feel fresh, Smerl. Whooo!

Stuart Smalley: [smiles into the camera] That’s -that’s what I do. Well, we’ve had a terrific show.And, you know what? We deserve it.

Martin L.: Yeah.

Stuart Smalley: [turns to the mirror] Because I’m goodenough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people likeme. And Martin. [Martin is visible in the mirrorbehind Stuart nodding affirmatively]

Announcer: This has been today’s Daily Affirmationwith Stuart Smalley.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of