The Denise Show

The Denise Show

Brian…..Adam Sandler
Denise…..Shannen Doherty (photograph only)
Denise Hayworth…..Melanie Hutsell
Linda…..Nancy Kerrigan

[open on title: “The Denise Show” over framed photograph of Denise, with music: “I Ain’t Missing You” by John Waite]

Voice Over: And now, “The Denise Show,” with your host, Brian.

[title is removed and shot widens to include Brian, sitting on a couch with a table holding the photo and a phone]

Brian: Hi, everybody. Welcome to “The Denise Show.” As you know, Denise is the girl who broke up with me twenty-one weeks ago. I loved her but she said she needed her space. Turns out the Third District Court agreed with her, and now I have to give her three hundred feet of space at all times. It looks like we got a phone call. Hello.

Caller #1: Hey, Brian, wasn’t “The Denise Show” cancelled? I thought you started going out with that girl, Sarah.

Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, we broke up. I discovered that Sarah didn’t like to do the same things I do. You know, like going through Denise’s garbage, and stuff like that.

Caller #1: Oh, yeah.

Brian: So we drifted apart.

Caller #1: Okay. Hey, keep your chin up. [hangs up]

Brian: My chin is up. [holds his face up] Way up. Okay, now’s the part of the show where I call Denise and lose my courage to speak, and then I talk to the dial tone. [lifts phone and dials]

[phone rings]

Denise: Hello? Hello? Hello?! [hangs up]

[dial tone sounds]

Brian: [quickly] I love you Denise! [hangs up] All right, that was great. Now let’s bring out my first guest. She’s a girl who I’ve been wanting to get on the show for weeks now, because her first name is also Denise. Please welcome Denise Hayworth!

[Denise Hayworth enters from stage left, Brian stands to shake her hand, and they sit]

Denise Hayworth: Hey.

Brian: Hey. So, youre name is Denise, huh?

Denise Hayworth: Yeah.

Brian: That must be great, huh?

Denise Hayworth: Yeah.

Brian: Okay, thanks for stopping by.

Denise Hayworth: Okay, thanks for having me!

[they stand and shake hands again, and Denise Hayworth exits stage left]

Brian: Okay, now it’s time for the Denise and Brian puppet show. [lifts up two small action figures] This is me [raises male figure in his left hand], this is Denise [raises female figure in his right hand]. Now, get ready. It’s a lot of fun. Hello, Denise. Hello Brian. Hey, do you want to go to the mall today? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that felt nice. Okay, now let’s move on to the part of the show where I call one of those sex phone lines, and I get embarassed halfway through and hang up. Here we go. [lifts phone and dials]

[phone rings]

Phone Sex Operator: Hello?

Brian: Hello, this is Brian. What’s your name?

Phone Sex Operator: What do you want it to be?

Brian: Denise.

Phone Sex Operator: Okay.

Brian: How are you Denise?

Phone Sex Operator: I’m hot for you, Brian.

Brian: Then why did you break up with me?

Phone Sex Operator: Oh, Brian, your voice is turning me on. What do you want to do to me?

Brian: Everything.

Phone Sex Operator: Yeah. Where do you want me to touch you?

Brian: My wiener.

Phone Sex Operator: Your wiener?! Did you just say “wiener?!”

Brian: No. [hangs up] Okay, all right, it looks like we got another call. Hello.

Caller #2: Hey, Brian. I used to watch your show a few years ago. Wasn’t it called “The Linda Show” back then?

Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah, you mean this Linda, right? [lifts framed photograph of Denise and removes Denise’s photograph to reveal one of Linda]

Caller #2: Yeah, that’s her.

Brian: Yeah…that was a totally different show. That show meant nothing to me. I was really immature back then, you know. Linda broke up with me and then she moved to Florida. It was a long time ago. Here’s an old clip from “The Linda Show.”

[dissolve to clip in which Brian has braces and an afro, with title: “‘The Linda Show’ November 17, 1979”]

Brian: Okay, in our next segment, [lifts up two small action figures] this is me [raises male figure in his left hand], and this is Linda [raises female figure in his right hand]. Hello, Linda. Hello Brian. Linda, do you want to go to the Bay City Rollers concert with me? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that was great.

[dissolve to present]

Brian: Boy, I made a fool of myself over Linda. Anyway, back to Denise. Now is the part of the show where I sing a song that reminds me of Denise, and I try not to cry. [singing, on the verge of tears] My love / There’s only you in my life / The only thing that’s right.

Linda: [entering from stage right, singing] My first love / You’re every breath that I take / You’re every step I make.

Both: [singing] And I / I want to share all my love with you

Brian: Oh, Linda!

Linda: You were my first love, Brian. I’m sorry I hurt you.

Brian: What are you doing here?

Linda: I’m in town for two weeks, visiting my aunt. I really miss you and I want to make up for lost time.

Brian: So, you’re going to be here for two weeks?

Linda: Yeah. As I remember, you’re quite a good kisser.

Brian: [turns to the camera] “The Denise Show” will be going on a short hiatus, but will return in two weeks at 7:30, and probably will be followed at 8:00 by an all-new version of “The Linda Show.” Good night!

[music: “Since You Been Gone” by Bus Stop, with title: “The Denise Show”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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