The Denise Show
Denise…..Shannen Doherty (photograph only)
Denise Hayworth…..Melanie Hutsell
[open on title: “The Denise Show” over framed photograph of Denise, with music: “I Ain’t Missing You” by John Waite]
Voice Over: And now, “The Denise Show,” with your host, Brian.
Brian: Hi, everybody. Welcome to “The Denise Show.” As you know, Denise is the girl who broke up with me twenty-one weeks ago. I loved her but she said she needed her space. Turns out the Third District Court agreed with her, and now I have to give her three hundred feet of space at all times. It looks like we got a phone call. Hello.
Caller #1: Hey, Brian, wasn’t “The Denise Show” cancelled? I thought you started going out with that girl, Sarah.
Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, we broke up. I discovered that Sarah didn’t like to do the same things I do. You know, like going through Denise’s garbage, and stuff like that.
Caller #1: Oh, yeah.
Brian: So we drifted apart.
Caller #1: Okay. Hey, keep your chin up. [hangs up]
Brian: My chin is up. [holds his face up] Way up. Okay, now’s the part of the show where I call Denise and lose my courage to speak, and then I talk to the dial tone. [lifts phone and dials] [phone rings]
Denise: Hello? Hello? Hello?! [hangs up] [dial tone sounds]
Brian: [quickly] I love you Denise! [hangs up] All right, that was great. Now let’s bring out my first guest. She’s a girl who I’ve been wanting to get on the show for weeks now, because her first name is also Denise. Please welcome Denise Hayworth![Denise Hayworth enters from stage left, Brian stands to shake her hand, and they sit]
Denise Hayworth: Hey.
Brian: Hey. So, youre name is Denise, huh?
Denise Hayworth: Yeah.
Brian: That must be great, huh?
Denise Hayworth: Yeah.
Brian: Okay, thanks for stopping by.
Denise Hayworth: Okay, thanks for having me![they stand and shake hands again, and Denise Hayworth exits stage left]
Brian: Okay, now it’s time for the Denise and Brian puppet show. [lifts up two small action figures] This is me [raises male figure in his left hand], this is Denise [raises female figure in his right hand]. Now, get ready. It’s a lot of fun. Hello, Denise. Hello Brian. Hey, do you want to go to the mall today? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that felt nice. Okay, now let’s move on to the part of the show where I call one of those sex phone lines, and I get embarassed halfway through and hang up. Here we go. [lifts phone and dials] [phone rings]
Phone Sex Operator: Hello?
Brian: Hello, this is Brian. What’s your name?
Phone Sex Operator: What do you want it to be?
Phone Sex Operator: Okay.
Brian: How are you Denise?
Phone Sex Operator: I’m hot for you, Brian.
Brian: Then why did you break up with me?
Phone Sex Operator: Oh, Brian, your voice is turning me on. What do you want to do to me?
Phone Sex Operator: Yeah. Where do you want me to touch you?
Brian: My wiener.
Phone Sex Operator: Your wiener?! Did you just say “wiener?!”
Brian: No. [hangs up] Okay, all right, it looks like we got another call. Hello.
Caller #2: Hey, Brian. I used to watch your show a few years ago. Wasn’t it called “The Linda Show” back then?
Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah, you mean this Linda, right? [lifts framed photograph of Denise and removes Denise’s photograph to reveal one of Linda]
Caller #2: Yeah, that’s her.
Brian: Yeah…that was a totally different show. That show meant nothing to me. I was really immature back then, you know. Linda broke up with me and then she moved to Florida. It was a long time ago. Here’s an old clip from “The Linda Show.”[dissolve to clip in which Brian has braces and an afro, with title: “‘The Linda Show’ November 17, 1979”]
Brian: Okay, in our next segment, [lifts up two small action figures] this is me [raises male figure in his left hand], and this is Linda [raises female figure in his right hand]. Hello, Linda. Hello Brian. Linda, do you want to go to the Bay City Rollers concert with me? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that was great.[dissolve to present]
Brian: Boy, I made a fool of myself over Linda. Anyway, back to Denise. Now is the part of the show where I sing a song that reminds me of Denise, and I try not to cry. [singing, on the verge of tears] My love / There’s only you in my life / The only thing that’s right.
Linda: [entering from stage right, singing] My first love / You’re every breath that I take / You’re every step I make.
Both: [singing] And I / I want to share all my love with you
Brian: Oh, Linda!
Linda: You were my first love, Brian. I’m sorry I hurt you.
Brian: What are you doing here?
Linda: I’m in town for two weeks, visiting my aunt. I really miss you and I want to make up for lost time.
Brian: So, you’re going to be here for two weeks?
Linda: Yeah. As I remember, you’re quite a good kisser.
Brian: [turns to the camera] “The Denise Show” will be going on a short hiatus, but will return in two weeks at 7:30, and probably will be followed at 8:00 by an all-new version of “The Linda Show.” Good night![music: “Since You Been Gone” by Bus Stop, with title: “The Denise Show”] [fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93