Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 15
Don Mateo…..Phil Hartman
Friend #1…..Mike Myers
Friend #2…..Norm MacDonald
Torino Brothers…..Chris Farley, Adam Sandler
[ A cantina in Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. The dapper-dressed Don Mateo sits at a table and welcomes two guests, who sit down. ]
Don Mateo: Welcome, my American friends.
Friend #1: Good to see you, Don Mateo.
Friend #2: How are ya, buddy?
Don Mateo: Have some sangria. We drink to friendship, to life, and most importantly, to love.
Friends: To love. [ they toast, and take a sip ]
Don Mateo: There she is … [ points elsewhere ] … the hot-blooded seorita I told you of.
Friend #2: Oh, she’s very pretty, Don Mateo.
Don Mateo: Oh, yes. But she has a fiery temper! Her blood runs hot like the lava in a volcano. And if you get too close, SSSSSSS!! — you get burned.
Friend #1: And that doesn’t scare you away, Don Mateo?
Don Mateo: [ takes another sip ] Not at all. The more she spits fire, the stronger my love grows. Shh — here she comes.
[ Stacy approaches them with menus ]
Stacy: Hi. My name is Stacy. I’m your waitress today, and I’ll be right back — um — and I’ll be um, telling you our specials in just a minute. [ walks away ]
Don Mateo: [ giggles ] Someday, my friends, I will turn that burning heart of h’anger into a heart of love! [ nods, takes another sip ]
Friend #1: Well, good luck.
[ Stacy comes back ]
Stacy: Okay, our specials today are seared tuna, and that comes with rice and beans, and the shrimp fajita which also comes with rice and beans. Let me know when you’re ready to order. [ leaves ]
Don Mateo: Arrrrrr. You see how she tortures me, no?
Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Actually, um, are you sure she’s the one you’re talking about, Don?
Don Mateo: Of course.
Friend #2: Are you sure, Don? ‘Cause you know, a lot of these waitresses look similar, with the outfits and all, y’know?
Don Mateo: [ nods ] Just wait, my American friends. [ waves two fingers in the air ] You shall see.
Friend #1: … ‘kay.
[ Stacy comes back ]
Friend #1: Hi. Uh, I’ll have the seared tuna.
Friend #2: Yeah, me too.
Don Mateo: [ dramatically ] I, too, will have the tuna. SEARED in the ANGER of your fiery ANGER!
Stacy: Okay. So that’s three seared tunas. [ leaves ]
Don Mateo: [ giggles ] You see, she is like the snake. So pretty when coiled, but you get too close, SHE STRIKES! [ laughs ]
Friend #1: Okay. All right. But uh, right now she’s still coiled, right? I mean, she didn’t strike just now, did she?
Friend #2: Hey, maybe we missed it, uh, maybe she struck fast, and uh, y’know, we didn’t notice?
Friend #1: Yeah. Yeah.
Don Mateo: I see you do not understand Stacy Henderson as I do. You must taste her venom for yourselves. [ snaps his fingers; Stacy comes back ] Stacy, por favor, tell these gentlemen what brings you to Mexico, and tell them every fiery detail.
Stacy: Well, I’m a junior at the University of Wisconsin, majoring in communications, and I’m taking two language credits here at the Puerto Vallarta extension campus. I’ll be right back with your food. [ leaves ]
Don Mateo: [ giggles, nods ] You see? She begins to show her true colors. Surely you have heard of the University of Wisconsin? And their mascot? The badger? Have you ever come face to face with a badger?!?
Friend #1: No.
Friend #2: No.
Don Mateo: Well … [ nods ] neither have I, but I have read about them, and they are said to be very fiery-tempered! Quiet, here she comes …
[ Stacy comes back with a tray ]
Stacy: While you guys are waiting, why don’t you have some chips and salsa on the house? [ places them on a table and leaves ]
Don Mateo: Did you see that, my friends? She breathes fire like a volcano.
[ awkward pause ]
Friend #1: I gotta tell ya, Don Mateo, uh, she still didn’t seem that fiery to me.
Friend #2: [ eating chip ] This salsa’s pretty hot.
Don Mateo: Quiet — here come my sworn enemies, the Torino brothers. They hate me with a fiery HATE!
[ The Torino brothers, a mariachi duo, approach the table with a song ]
Torino Brothers: [ singing to the tune of “Cielito Lindo” ]
Oh, Don Mateo,
It’s lovely to see you this evening.
Oh, Don Mateo,
For a lifetime we’ll treasure your friendship.
Don Mateo, our amigo, our friend.
[ They leave ]
Don Mateo: Did you hear that?
Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Yes, that fat one’s like uh, like a volcano of hate!
Don Mateo: Yes!!
Friend #1: Yeah.
Don Mateo: He is.
Friend #2: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, and how about that uh, snake of a brother of his, huh? He’s scary.
Don Mateo: Yes, you are right. Their hatred is too much, even for me. I must leave this place. Pedro! [ snaps fingers ] Bring my burro.
[ Pedro brings a stuffed donkey on wheels ]
Don Mateo: Please stay back. For my burro is fiery-tempered! He has trampled many men, just for sport. [ Pedro gives him the harness as he gets on the donkey ] Thank you, Pedro. He’s a wild one, eh?
Pedro: Yes, Don Mateo. Yes sir. Fiery tempered. Like a volcano full of snakes.
Stacy: Would you like me to wrap your seared tuna?
Don Mateo: Do not tease me, devil woman!! [ she leaves ]
Pedro: Shall I give him another push, sir?
Don Mateo: Perhaps. But be careful. If you were hurt, I would be angry at myself, and I have a fiery temper.
Pedro: Oh, yes! Yes. [ rolls the donkey away, as the two friends wave goodbye ]
[ fade to black ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez