Nancy Kerrigan’s Monologue


Nancy Kerrigan’s Monologue

…..Nancy Kerrigan
Male Audience Member 1…..Dave Attell
Male Audience Member 2…..James Downey
Male Audience Member 3…..Fred Wolf
Male Audience Member 4…..Norm MacDonald
Oksana Baiul…..David Spade
Translator…..Michael McKean
Female Audience Member 1…..Sarah Silverman
Male Audience Member 5…..Jay Mohr
Male Audience Member 6…..Tom Davis
Female Audience Member 2…..
Jeff Gillooly…..Rob Schneider
Tonya Harding…..Melanie Hutsell
Shawn Eckhardt…..Chris Farley


Nancy Kerrigan: Thank you very much, thanks, thanks, thank you very much, thanks (speaking over applause). It’s a thrill to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Before we begin I’d like to clear something up. When I was at Disneyworld, on the float with Mickey, what I actually said was, “This is the horniest thing I’ve ever done.” (much audience laughter) But the real reason I’m happy to be on the show tonight, this is my chance to get some things off my chest. I’m here on live TV, uncensored, and I’m ready to talk. So, go ahead, no topic is off limits, ask me anything you want about the last few months. (turns to acknowledge audience member) Over here?

(Male Audience Member 1 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 1: Yeah, I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna ask, what exactly is an axle? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Well ok, an axle is the only jump that takes off going foreword. You jump from one outside edge of one skate, and you land on the outside edge of the other skate. Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 2: Umm, can I ask you a question about Tonya Harding?

Nancy Kerrigan: Sure.

Male Audience Member 2: Are you jealous of Tonya Harding (much audience laughter), I mean you work so hard all your life and then she just steps in and wins 5 gold medals. (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Tonya Harding didn’t win 5 gold medals.

Male Audience Member 2: Di..did I say Tonya Harding? I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) Are you jealous of Bonnie Blair?

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, no I was really happy for Bonnie Blair, she’s great.

Male Audience Member 2: Oh…

Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 3 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 3: Yeah, uhh, I think it’s very brave of you to come out here tonight and talk about Tonya Harding, I can’t believe you’ve been quiet this long. Now, I have a question about speed skates, why are they longer than regular figure skates? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Well…

Male Audience Member 3: I mean it seems like you could go faster on shorter skates.

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, I don’t know the physics of it, but I think the longer skates give you more leverage. Uhh yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 2 in audience standing up again)

Male Audience Member 2: Uh yeah, I have another question, uhh, after all this, do you hate Tonya Harding? I… (puts hand to head)…I did it again, I meant Bonnie Blair. (much audience laughter) I… I’ve got Tonya Harding on the brain.

Nancy Kerrigan: No, I don’t hate Bonnie Blair; I just said that she’s great. But I would like talk about what’s happened to me recently. Uhh yes over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 4 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 4: Yeah, I got a question, uhh, wasn’t it great that, after falling all those times, Tonya Harding finally won a gold?

Nancy Kerrigan: I think you mean Dan Jansen’s gold.

Male Audience Member 4: Yeah. Dan Jan… didn’t I say Dan Jansen? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: No, you said Tonya Harding.

Male Audience Member 4: Geeze, now he’s got me doing it.

(shot of Male Audience Member 2)

(much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, yes over here. (turns to acknowledge two audience members)

(Translator and Oksana Baiul in audience standing up)

(much audience laughter)

Oksana Baiul: (light whimpering, sad expression)

Nancy Kerrigan: Oksana Baiul, I’m glad you’re here.

(Oksana speaks inaudibly to Translator)

Translator: (Russian accent, translating) She says, she says she does not speak English, and nothing you say is making any sense, because the language you’re speaking is not the language she is speaks in her country.

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok, over here. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Female Audience Member 1 standing up in audience)

Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, can I ask a question about that whole knee thing?

Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, please go ahead.

Female Audience Member 1: Yeah, uh, what makes the human knee bend? (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, it’s a ball and socket joint that swings kinda like this. (swings arm to demonstrate) Yes. (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Male Audience Member 5 in audience standing up)

Male Audience Member 5: Uh yeah, I have a question.

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.

Male Audience Member 5: Not for you, for the girl who asked about the knee. (much audience laughter)

Female Audience Member 1: Yeah?

Male Audience Member 5: Look, if you’re really interested about the knee, I got this great book that explains like the whole leg. (much audience laughter) So if you want it, I…I can talk to you after the show.

Female Audience Member 1: Great.

Male Audience Member 6: Umm yeah, I…I…I have a question about Tonya.

Nancy Kerrigan: Let me guess, Tonya Roberts, right?

Male Audience Member 6: No, Tonya Tucker (much audience laughter), do you think she’s had a rough life being married to Glenn Campbell?

Nancy Kerrigan: I don’t really know. Yeah? (turns to acknowledge audience member)

(Female Audience Member 2 in audience standing up)

Female Audience Member 2: Hi, is it true that because of the Martin Lawrence monologue, hosts are now only allowed to take questions from the audience?

Nancy Kerrigan: Yes, that’s true. Over here (turns to acknowledge three audience members)

(Jeff Gillooly, Tonya Harding, Shawn Eckhardt in audience stand up)

Tonya Harding: Yeah, uh, (much audience laughter) we have a question.

Nancy Kerrigan: Ok.

Tonya Harding: Uh, who’s hosting the show next week?

Jeff Gillooly: Yeah, do they need someone to host (much audience laughter), I mean we could… you know (gestures to Tonya and Shawn Eckhardt) (much audience laughter)

Nancy Kerrigan: Uhh, I think they have a host. Ok we’ve got a great show, Aretha Franklin is here (audience cheers), so stick around we’ll be right back.

(fade to black)

Submitted by: Jeb

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