St. Patrick’s Day Parade


St. Patrick’s Day Parade

…..Nancy Kerrigan
Mayor Duffy…..Phil Hartman
Driver…..Kevin Nealon
Drunk Dude…..Chris Farley
A Kerrigan Fan…..Jay Mohr
Inquisitive Guy…..Adam Sandler

(Mayor Duffy and Nancy Kerrigan seated on trunk of convertible with feet on back seat. In background a marching band (chroma keyed) follows the car, crowd is seen on either side. Subtitle appears: “Chipponsett Rhode Island” then fades out)

Mayor Duffy: (in a thick Rhode Island accent) Miss Kerrigan, I can’t tell you how much it means to this town that you came down here to be in our parade.

Nancy Kerrigan: Hey, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, how could I say no?

Mayor Duffy: Ah no, you don’t understand, Miss Kerrigan. This [bird? burg?] has been in the crapper ever since the fishstick plant burned down. Means a lot that a sports superstar would be here for us.

Nancy Kerrigan: It’s my pleasure, Mr. Mayor.

Driver: He ain’t kidding, Miss Kerrigan, this town is like an old, dirty toilet bowl full of puke, and, you know, you being here is like a ray of sunshine or somethin’.

Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, thank…

(Drunk Dude runs up to the car spilling beer, yells)

Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! Irish number one!

Mayor Duffy: Get the hell outta here you damn pig!

(Mayor Duffy hits the Drunk Dude multiple times with his cane; Drunk Dude falls over and off camera)

Mayor Duffy: Oh my lord, that animal spilled beer all over you Miss Kerrigan.

Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, that’s ok; he didn’t get much on me.

Driver: I think I might have run him over Mayor Duffy.

Mayor Duffy: Oh you think it’s possible? Gee imagine if you ran over his neck so his spine shattered completely. Why, his head would flop around on his shoulders like a flounder on a dock, wouldn’t it? (mayor laughs) A man can dream can’t he Miss Kerrigan?

Nancy Kerrigan: It’s ok; all he did was spill a little beer on me.

Mayor Duffy: And for that I’m truly sorry Miss Kerrigan. For you to take time out of your busy schedule to come to a miserable, rat infested, armpit of a town like this, and have something like that happen to ya. It just breaks my heart.

(Kerrigan fan runs up to the car)

Kerrigan Fan: Hey hey.

Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.

Kerrigan Fan: What’s up?

Nancy Kerrigan: Oh, not much.

Kerrigan Fan: Hey, you were good in the Olympics.

Nancy Kerrigan: Thanks.

Mayor Duffy: Hey pal, give Miss Kerrigan some breathing room, huh?

Kerrigan Fan: Hey was I talking to you chump?

Mayor Duffy: Alright, that’s it! (Mayor threatens with cane, Kerrigan Fan runs off) You ok Miss Kerrigan?

Nancy Kerrigan: Sure, I’m fine.

Mayor Duffy: Hey, some Johnny Walker Miss Kerrigan? (pulls a flask out of his jacket)

Nancy Kerrigan: No thanks.

Mayor Duffy: Well pardon me. I know I’m just the mayor of a depressing, pus oozing, sewer of a town in Rhode Island, but I don’t have any diseases, I can assure you that.

Driver: You ok back there Mayor Duffy?

Mayor Duffy: (Irish accent) Oh Tommy me boy, we’re having a grand old time back here. Well la di da Miss Kerrigan, happy St. Pat’s.

(Drunk Dude climbs up behind Mayor and Miss Kerrigan on the trunk of the car)

Drunk Dude: Irish number one! Irish number one! (beat repeatedly on the head by the mayor) Son of a… (falls off the car)

Mayor Duffy: I thought I crippled him before. He’ll be seeing cock-eyed for a few weeks I’ll wager.

Driver: Ain’t that Danny Doyle’s kid?

Mayor Duffy: You know, I believe that was.

Driver: (laughs) Funny story Miss Kerrigan: last year we got that Andrew McCarthy kid from the movies as our grand marshal. He was acting a little high and mighty, you know? So Danny Doyle’s oldest son and a few of his friends took him out afterwards and beat the living hell out of him.

Mayor Duffy: (laughs) Them kids were so wasted out of their minds, they kept falling over as they were kicking the esteemed Mr. McCarthy in the head.

Driver: It was a sight to behold.

(Inquisitive Guy runs up to the car)

Inquisitive Guy: Hey.

Nancy Kerrigan: Hi.

Inquisitive Guy: Hey, how’d you get that job in the Olympics?

Nancy Kerrigan: You mean skating? I uh, practiced every day for like eighteen years.

Inquisitive Guy: (laughs) Seriously, how’d you get that job?

Nancy Kerrigan: I practiced.

Inquisitive Guy: Uh-uh. I asked you a question, how’d you get that job?

Nancy Kerrigan: Uh, my father knows the president of the Olympics.

Inquisitive Guy: Oh god, must be nice.

Mayor Duffy: Alright that’s enough, back off! (waves cane at Inquisitive Guy)

Inquisitive Guy: Hey get that cane out of my face! (throws beer on Mayor and Miss Kerrigan)

Mayor Duffy: Argh!

Inquisitive Guy: Here’s some for you. (throws some beer at Driver)

Mayor Duffy: Aw geeze. Well, it wouldn’t be St. Paddy’s Day if you didn’t get soaked with beer before noon, hunh Miss Kerrigan?

Nancy Kerrigan: Right.

Mayor Duffy: You gotta love it.

Driver: So Miss Kerrigan, you think your father’s friend could get my son a job at the olympics?

Mayor Duffy: Pipe down there Tommy.

Driver: Nice day for a parade Mayor Duffy.

Mayor Duffy: Aww, it surly is. I just wish we could keep driving right the hell out of this foul, nauseating, garbage dump of a town.

Driver: Yeah, it would be nice, would be nice.

Mayor Duffy: Forget this hell on earth even exists.

Nancy Kerrigan: But you’re the mayor.

Mayor Duffy: Well, a man can dream Miss Kerrigan, a man can dream.

Submitted by: Jeb

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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