Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

93o: Nancy Kerrigan / Aretha Franklin

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Bono…..Adam Sandler

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Kevin Nealon!

[dissolve to video of Kevin wearing a figure skater’s dress, spinning in a circle. Cut to the “Weekend Update” set. Applause]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Smokers and tobacco industry workers marched on Washington Wednesday to protest a proposed cigarette tax hike. [As Kevin turns to watch the video played on the screen behind him, coughing sound effects are heard] The protestors, however, unexpectedly disbanded after two blocks due to emphysema.

Russian president Boris Yeltsin angrily cancelled a meeting with Richard Nixon this week after Nixon met with political rivals in Moscow. Yeltsin had scheduled this meeting with Nixon in hopes of showing the Russian people what an unpopular president really looks like. [photo of an elderly Nixon]

Well, Biosphere 2 started up again this week, and the budget for the experiment has been drastically reduced. In fact, this one’s just two guys under the sneeze guard of a Sizzlers salad bar.

And the tabloid television hit a new low this week as NBC’s Stone Phillips interviewed Jeffrey Dahmer, and ABC’s Diane Sawyer met with Charles Manson. And in perhaps the scariest interview, MTV’s Kurt Loeder did a one-hour special with Yanni.

In other TV news, the controversial same-sex kiss on “Roseanne” propelled it to #1 in the Nielsen ratings last week. Hoping for a similar ratings boost for tomorrow’s “McLaughlin Group,” Jack Germond will soul kiss Morton Condracke.

Kevin Nealon: You do what you gotta do.

At last week’s Grammy awards, Frank Sinatra was rudely cut off before completing his acceptance speech for the Lifetime Achievement Award. Here to finish the speech he started, please welcome Old Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra.

[polite applause as Frank enters]

Frank Sinatra: Thanks, Chevy.

OK, here’s the rest of my speech: “Thanks for the award. Drive home safely. Good night.”

Kevin Nealon: The Chairman of the Board, ladies and gentlemen. [Kevin gives Frank a standing ovation; applause]

The Supr- The Supreme Court ruled in favor of 2 Live Crew this week for the rappers to parody the classic rock song “Oh Pretty Woman.” Legal experts knew it was going the way of the rap group when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg interrupted with a question and Clarence Thomas said “Shut up, ho.”

Here’s a quick look at the Doppler radar. [picture of a large satellite dish] There you have it.

In entertainment news, Kurt Cobain almost reached Nirvana this week. [applause]

And on Friday, the Supreme Court ruled that homosexuals could march in Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, causing sponsors to cancel the event. A spokesperson said organizers of the parade which normally attracts loud, drunken revelers were afraid to include anyone who might cause a disgrace.

Kevin Nealon: Interesting. And now, here with a St. Patrick’s Day song is U2’s lead singer, Bono. Bono, whaddaya got?

[pan to Bono; applause]

Bono: Thank you! For too many years, St. Patrick’s Day has gone hand-in-hand with reckless consumption of alcohol. But is doesn’t have to. I hope this song helps you find other fun things to do this year.

[plays his guitar, singing along]

Ohhh, Ohhh, Ohhh
Nuh-haaaaa,
Nuh-haaaaa,

Sometimes it’s fun to slide on the kitchen floor in a new pair of socks.
Sometimes it’s fun to paint dots on your face and tell people you have chicken pox.
Sometimes it’s fun to make a castle out of pudding, chocolate or butterscotch.
Then it’s fun to take that pudding and rub it all over ex-Mayor Koch.

No doing beer bongs, no Jägermeister shooters,
No head-butting your mom, no grabbing your cousin’s hooters.
Don’t get wasted this St. Paddy’s Day.
Nuh-haaaaa

Sometimes it’s fun to have a staring contest until somebody blinks.
Sometimes it’s fun to send a bar of soap to a girl you know who stinks.
Sometimes it’s fun to go to the arcade and try to get high score on Zaxxon.
Sometimes I watch “The Karate Kid” where the guy from “Happy Days” says “wax on.”

People listen to me for goodness sake!
You don’t need a beer, just have yourself a Shamrock Shake.
So green and creamy!
Green and creamy
I Dream of Jeannie
Veal scallopini
Shirley Feeney
Nuh-haaaaa

No more getting wasted, no more getting silly.
No more waking up with two naked guys from Chile.
For God’s sake, stay sober on St. Paddy’s Day.

Thank you very much.

Kevin Nealon: Bono, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you Bono. Makes a lot of sense.

Well, a new study shows that traffic lights may not give senior citizens enough time to cross the street. The problem is worse for men over 65, because many can’t walk that fast with their pants pulled up to their chests.

Alright, let’s take a look at temperatures around the country: 88, 45, 52, and 76.

Fruit of the Loom announced it will close its Franklin, Kentucky plant next month. The company will cut 180 jobs, including 179 assembly line workers and Inspector #34.

In the Big Apple, New York’s Empire State Building will soon be made accessible for the physically disabled. A spokesman said among other things a wheelchair ramp will be installed. The ramp will begin at Central Park, leading 26 blocks to up to the building’s observation deck.

There’s been so much snow in New York City, many vehicles have been completely snowed in. Fortunately, all the cabbies are safe. Crews just look for middle fingers sticking up through the snow.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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