Coffee Talk
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Helen Hunt
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, dawters, dawgs, you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. You’ll never guess who is in my apartment right now. I’ll give you a hint. I’m mad about her. That’s right it’s Helen Hunt. Come here bubala let me touch that ponnum. It’s like buttah.
Helen Hunt: Hello Linda.
Linda Richman: So P.S Long story short, Helen and my dawter Robin went to the theatrical summer camp in the Catskills together. And this one practically moved in.
Helen Hunt: They became my family my mishputkha. I never met a family so colorful.
Linda Richman: That’s a nice way for saying Jewish. Come on I kid. Why? Because I love. My Helen here is a quarter Jewish.
Helen Hunt: I’m Methodist and Jewish. I’m a
Both: Mushu!
Linda Richman: Helen I’m so proud of you. Look at you. You’re a big muggy mug with the stuff of the golden globes. I remember the first day you got your period.
Helen Hunt: Linda, you promised you wouldn’t embarras me.
Linda Richman: Do your Paul Reiser impression.
Helen Hunt: No
Linda Richman: Do It!!
Helen Hunt: Quite frankly soup’s a good thing but I also like fish. This is what I’m saying.
Linda Richman: Look at her she’s so adorable. I want to eat you up and have you come out of my shoot. Let’s get down to buisiness. It’s Oscar time, and once again, Barbra Streisand was not nominated.
Helen Hunt: Linda, she didn’t make a movie this year.
Linda Richman: I do not care. That is not the point.
Helen Hunt: But they did nominate a woman who directed this year Jane Campion for the piano. Ithink she has a big shot at winning.
Linda Richman: And you call yourself a quarter Jewish. The oscar goes to Stephen Spielberg for Schindler’s List. End of story. Capoot!
Helen Hunt: You’re right. Of course Schindler’s List.
Linda Richman: Ach, Stephen Spielberg. I don’t care if he married a shixa. He could marry ten shixas all with pug noses for all I care. What that man has done as a filmaker and as a jew, it’s remarkable. Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The chick pea is neither a chick nor a pea. Discuss! There I feel better.
Helen Hunt: Well I think they should give best actress to Holly Hunter for the piano.
Linda Richman: To be honest with you, I didn’t get that movie and why she was nominated for best actress, I will never know.
Helen Hunt: Linda, are you kidding me? That was one of the most demanding female roles in recent history. Holly Hunter had to communicate through a character that was so mute.
Linda Richman: Mute schmute, she didn’t have to memorize a single word. All she had to do was show up, braid her hair, and fartic. Stalker Channing, she may be a long shot, but at least she had lines. She talked from the beginning of the move to the end of the movie. She had alot to say to the fresh prince. Alright let’s go the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk no big whoop. Hello?
Caller #1: Hello Helen. I just wanted to say I’m mad about you!
Helen Hunt: Thanks. That was sweet.
Linda Richman: That was cute.
Caller #1: Anyway my question is this. Does anyone mistake you for Linda Hunt?
Helen Hunt: No, no they don’t.
Linda Richman: Does anyone ever tell you to go to hell and hunt?
Helen Hunt: No they actually don’t.
Linda Richman: Okay next caller. Welcome to Coffee Talk you’re on the air. Hello?
Caller #2: Hello Helen. Who would you vote for best supporting actor?
Helen Hunt: John Malkovich for the Line of Fire. I though he was so brilliant and so scary he gave me shpilkes in my genecktecessoink.
Linda Richman: Don’t get me started, Malkovich terrifyed me. I felt like fulnkn gestapha heliorahn helroshing hullishing en shmaza en my cappie. You know what I’m saying.
Helen Hunt: I’m only a quarter Jewish so I only know a quarter of what you said.
Linda Richman: Okay we have time for one last call. The number is 555-4444. Hello?
Caller #3: Hello Helen. What are you doing for Oscar Night?
Helen Hunt: I’m actually going to the Oscars.
Linda Richman: Oye I’m dying. I’ve never met anyone that’s going to the academy awards. It’s 6 degrees separate from me and oscar.
Helen Hunt: Linda, are you getting verklempt again.
Linda Richman: Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give yes another topic. Durane Durane is neither a Durane nor a Durane. Discuss. There I feel better. Okay that’s all the time we have this week. My guest has been Helen Hunt. Again I’m mad about you.
Helen Hunt: And I’m mad about you.
Linda Richman: You look great in beige. How one person can look that good in that vercockhta color. I will never know. There you have it goodnight.
(scene fades)
Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!
