Helen Hunt’s Monologue
…..Helen Hunt
Helen Hunt: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is something I’ve really wanted to do all of my life. Most of you probably know me from my television show “Mad About You”. [ audience applauds in recognition of the show ] Thank you. But, um.. I want you to know I didn’t just come out of nowhere. I’ve had a long and rather distinguished career in television. In fact, I would like to show you a few moments I’m especially proud of, from my “body of work”. Uh.. this first one is from when I was eight years old.
Helen Hunt V/O: This is, uh.. “Swiss Family Robinson”.. [ audience applauds again in recognition ] I’m Helga the orphan girl, here I am looking for seashells..
Helga (in clip): [ to the character played by Willie Aames ] This is a good one!
Helen Hunt V/O: [ mocking ] Sure. That’s, uh.. that’s Willie Aames, from “Eight Is Enough”. I learned a lot about acting from him.
[ Helga is tugged into the water ]Helen Hunt V/O: Uh-oh!
Willie Aames (in clip): [ looking over ] What’s the matter?
Helga (in clip): [ pulls arm out of water to find two quills stuck to her skin ] Ugh! Look! [ Willie pulls the quills from Helga’s arm ]
Helen Hunt V/O: Ouch! Whoa! I still have the scars from that!
Helga (in clip): It stings..
Willie Aames (in clip): What was it?
Helga (in clip): Some kind of a water plant. It burns like fire.
[ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]Helent Hunt: God. It’s funny, I’d forgotten just how good I was! Luckily, the people at “The Bionic Woman” saw my performance, and brought me in as a guest star when I was thirteen. And many fans of “The Bionic Woman” consider this the “definitive” episode, and I, for one, am not going to argue with them.
[ dissolve to an exterior scene from “The Bionic Woman”, as narrated by Helen Hunt ]Bionic Woman (in clip): My name is Jamie Sims. I live over in Ojai. now, what’s your name?
Princess Aura (in clip): I’m Princess Aura. My home planet is Zorlon. It’s another planet on another solar system on the other side of the galaxy.
[ dissolve to exterior zoom on the Bionic Woman’s apartment window ]Helen Hunt V/O: You know, when I watch this, even I believe I’m from outer space?
[ dissolve to interior, apartment, kitchen area, as mysterious foe materializes and zaps Princess Aura with laser; she falls against the refrigerator ]Helen Hunt V/O: Yeah. I did my own stunt there!
[ angered, the Bionic Woman throws a head of lettuce at the mysterious foe, knocking the laser from his hand ] [ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]Helent Hunt: Thank you! I actually stll have that head of lettuce! So, two years later, my acting career reached what I like to think of as a turning point, when I starred in a hard-hitting Afterschool Special about the dangers of angel dust.
[ dissolve to “??” title card, which dissolves to chemistry lab scene, as narrated by Helen Hunt ]Hardbodies Guy (in clip): Why don’t you just have a little snort?
Helen Hunt V/O: That’s the guy from “Hardbodies” there.
Sandy (in clip): No..
Hardbodies Guy (in clip): You don’t know what you’d be missing.
Helen Hunt V/O: Look at the turmoil on my face!
Sandy (in clip): Look, that whole trip’s just not for me, okay?
Hardbodies Guy (in clip): [ pleading ] Sandy.. don’t be a bummer. It’s no biggie.
Sandy (in clip): Are you sure it’s okay?
Hardbodies Guy (in clip): Trust me. Just call it an “experiment”. Honey..
[ Sandy takes a snort ] [ cut to exterior shot, chemistry lab, as Sandy, screaming ferociously, suddenly comes crashing through the glass window. Students on the ground look up, as Sandy lands on the pavement, writhing and screaming ]Helen Hunt V/O: Now, this is the kind of scene every actress dreams of! They just don’t make good roles for women like this any more!
[ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]Helent Hunt: Thank you. I could never really tell if that movie was pro angel dust, or anti angel dust. Anyway, here I am today with a role on a quality prime-time show. So, here’s me and Paul Reiser – we’re having one of those silly little arguments all newlyweds have.
[ dissolve to scene from “Mad About You”, Paul and Jamie Buchman standing by a window ]Paul Buchman (on clip): …otherwise, they’d be Fran.. and Mark. But, you know, they’re not – they’re Fran and Mark! [ looks out window ] Oh, look at that.
Jamie Buchman (on clip): What?
Jamie Buchman (on clip): It’s Fran and Mark.
[ Jamie takes a peek out the window ] [ cut to previous clip from “”, as Sandy, screaming ferociously, suddenly comes crashing through the glass window. Students on the ground look up, as Sandy lands on the pavement, writhing and screaming ] [ dissolve back to Helen on the SNL set ]Helent Hunt: Yes! There we go. Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show! Snoop Doggy Dogg is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
