The Washing Machine

The Washing Machine

Ada…..Ellen Cleghorne
Stuart…..Kevin Nealon
Baines…..Phil Hartman
Ada’s Daughter…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Jane Campion. The woman who brought you “The Piano”. Winner of the 1993 Cannes Film Festival, now brings you.. “The Washing Machine”.

[ image of Ada standing with her washing machine along the coastline ]

Ada V/O: The voice you hear is not my speaking voice.. but my mind voice. Ah have not spoken since I was six years old. Yet, I do not think myself silent. Because, you see.. I can speak.. through.. my washing machine.

[ dissolve to the Baines’ residence ]

Stuart: Well, Baines.. I kept my end of the bahgain. You got my wife’s washing machine; now I want my 80 acres.

Baines: You’ll get your land, Stuart. But you must know.. I don’t know how to clean mah clothes. Bleach.. softener.. these things confuse me. Ah’ll be needin’ laundry lessons.

Stuart: My new wife can teach you.

[ Ada and her daughter enter. Ada mutely addresses her daughter. ]

Stuart: What does your mother say, girl!

Ada’s Daughter: [ petrified ] My mother says you can’t give the machine away, it’s hers!

Stuart: [ furious ] You must sacrifice it for the good of the family, Eda!

Ada’s Daughter: [ as Ada pantomimes to her ] My mother says.. No! It’s not yours to give away, it’s hers! She’s really mad!

Stuart: The deal is done, Eda! And you will show Baines how to wash!

Ada’s Daughter: [ as Ada pantomimes ] My mother says.. No! And she says you should give me candy, and.. take me to Space Mountain, and buy me lots of Barbie dolls!

[ Ada smacks her daughter across the head ]

Ada’s Daughter: Uh.. maybe not!

[ image of Ada carressing her washing machine along the coast ]

Announcer: The passion. The purpose. The woman. The wash.

[ dissolve to Ada pouring detergent into the washing machine, as Baines steps behind her ]

Baines: If you’d cooperate with me, Ada.. there’s a way you can have your washing machine.. In a sense.. you can earn it back. By doing my laundry. [ wraps longjohns aroun Ada ] That’s right! And for each load of my laundry that you do.. you’ll be that much closer to having your machine. and I wanna watch you do it. From now on, I wanna be a part of everything you clean!

[ images of Ada’s daughter doing cartwhheel along the beach, over critic quotes ]

Announcer: “Just like “The Piano”, but now the mute lady has a washing machine,” says Joel Seigel.

“I don’t know much about movies, but I’m told I’m supposed to like anything Jane Campion does.” Rex Reed.

“Small picture + artsy + Harvey Kietel = I love it!” Pia Lindstrom.

Gene Shalit says, “Wash, you fabulous mute. Wash!”

“I didn’t understand a minute of it, but I guess it’s great.” Jeffrey Lyons.

Michael Medved says, “Jeffrey Lyons told me it was great, so I love it!”

[ dissolve to Ada sitting on top the washing machine during a furious spin cycle, as Baines watches intensely ]

Baines: Aw, do it, Eda! Do it!

Ada’s Daughter: [ dancing spritely through the room ] La la la la…

Announcer: “The Washing Machine”. Even in the wildnerness.. her clothes would be clean.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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