The Washing Machine

The Washing Machine

Ada…..Ellen Cleghorne
Stuart…..Kevin Nealon
Baines…..Phil Hartman
Ada’s Daughter…..Tim Meadows

Announcer: Jane Campion. The woman who brought you “The Piano”. Winner of the 1993 Cannes Film Festival, now brings you.. “The Washing Machine”.

[ image of Ada standing with her washing machine along the coastline ]

Ada V/O: The voice you hear is not my speaking voice.. but my mind voice. Ah have not spoken since I was six years old. Yet, I do not think myself silent. Because, you see.. I can speak.. through.. my washing machine.

[ dissolve to the Baines’ residence ]

Stuart: Well, Baines.. I kept my end of the bahgain. You got my wife’s washing machine; now I want my 80 acres.

Baines: You’ll get your land, Stuart. But you must know.. I don’t know how to clean mah clothes. Bleach.. softener.. these things confuse me. Ah’ll be needin’ laundry lessons.

Stuart: My new wife can teach you.

[ Ada and her daughter enter. Ada mutely addresses her daughter. ]

Stuart: What does your mother say, girl!

Ada’s Daughter: [ petrified ] My mother says you can’t give the machine away, it’s hers!

Stuart: [ furious ] You must sacrifice it for the good of the family, Eda!

Ada’s Daughter: [ as Ada pantomimes to her ] My mother says.. No! It’s not yours to give away, it’s hers! She’s really mad!

Stuart: The deal is done, Eda! And you will show Baines how to wash!

Ada’s Daughter: [ as Ada pantomimes ] My mother says.. No! And she says you should give me candy, and.. take me to Space Mountain, and buy me lots of Barbie dolls!

[ Ada smacks her daughter across the head ]

Ada’s Daughter: Uh.. maybe not!

[ image of Ada carressing her washing machine along the coast ]

Announcer: The passion. The purpose. The woman. The wash.

[ dissolve to Ada pouring detergent into the washing machine, as Baines steps behind her ]

Baines: If you’d cooperate with me, Ada.. there’s a way you can have your washing machine.. In a sense.. you can earn it back. By doing my laundry. [ wraps longjohns aroun Ada ] That’s right! And for each load of my laundry that you do.. you’ll be that much closer to having your machine. and I wanna watch you do it. From now on, I wanna be a part of everything you clean!

[ images of Ada’s daughter doing cartwhheel along the beach, over critic quotes ]

Announcer: “Just like “The Piano”, but now the mute lady has a washing machine,” says Joel Seigel.

“I don’t know much about movies, but I’m told I’m supposed to like anything Jane Campion does.” Rex Reed.

“Small picture + artsy + Harvey Kietel = I love it!” Pia Lindstrom.

Gene Shalit says, “Wash, you fabulous mute. Wash!”

“I didn’t understand a minute of it, but I guess it’s great.” Jeffrey Lyons.

Michael Medved says, “Jeffrey Lyons told me it was great, so I love it!”

[ dissolve to Ada sitting on top the washing machine during a furious spin cycle, as Baines watches intensely ]

Baines: Aw, do it, Eda! Do it!

Ada’s Daughter: [ dancing spritely through the room ] La la la la…

Announcer: “The Washing Machine”. Even in the wildnerness.. her clothes would be clean.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts