Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 19: Episode 17
Hillary’s Investment Tips
Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Jan Hooks
[ open on three businesspeople sitting at a table in restaurant ]
Businessman #1: My broker has me in mutual funds, but with the way the market’s been lately, I’m losing my shirt.
Businessman #2: Tell me about it. I’m taking a beating in the bond market.
Businesswoman: Well, my investment counselor is Hillary Rodham Clinton… and HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON says: [ the entire room leans closer, as she stares at them in shock ]
[ dissolve to Hillary Rodham Clinton seated at desk ]
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hello! I’m the First Lady of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton. You know, in this volatile, topsy-turvy market, investing even as little as a thousand dollars CAN be a frightening propspect. That’s why you want an investment counselor with a proven record of results SO spectacular… that it’s hard to believe they’re legitimate! What would you say if I told you that you could get a 10,000% return on your money in less than a year? [ she smiles ] Impossible? Well, I did just that in 1982.
[ she stands ]
Now, to give you some idea of what a 10,000% return means, to get that return on a Certificate of Deposit at today’s rates, you would have to hold onto it for… three… hundred… years. That’s a looong time!
[ she steps in front of her desk and sits ]
Now, here’s how it works: Simply subscribe to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Investment Newsletter. [ she holds up a copy of the newsletter ] Every issue is jam-packed with my Hillary Rodham Clinton investment tips, like:
Don’t Invest in Land.
Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas.
And, perhaps the most important tip of all: Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas with the McDougals.
And, if you call now, you’ll get this free booklet: [ she holds it up ] “Cattle: How to Turn a Thousand Dollars Into a Hundred Thousand Dollars.” [ she winks ] It really works!
Plus, as a special added gift, this history of “Saturday Night Live”, entitled “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.” [ she holds up the book ] Oh! I almost forgot: “LIVE, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”