SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 04/09/93: Hillary’s Investment Tips


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 19: Episode 17

93q: Kelsey Grammer / Dwight Yoakam

Hillary’s Investment Tips

Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
Businesswoman…..Julia Sweeney
Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Jan Hooks

[ open on three businesspeople sitting at a table in restaurant ]

Businessman #1: My broker has me in mutual funds, but with the way the market’s been lately, I’m losing my shirt.

Businessman #2: Tell me about it. I’m taking a beating in the bond market.

Businesswoman: Well, my investment counselor is Hillary Rodham Clinton… and HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON says: [ the entire room leans closer, as she stares at them in shock ] [ dissolve to Hillary Rodham Clinton seated at desk ]

Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hello! I’m the First Lady of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton. You know, in this volatile, topsy-turvy market, investing even as little as a thousand dollars CAN be a frightening propspect. That’s why you want an investment counselor with a proven record of results SO spectacular… that it’s hard to believe they’re legitimate! What would you say if I told you that you could get a 10,000% return on your money in less than a year? [ she smiles ] Impossible? Well, I did just that in 1982.

[ she stands ]

Now, to give you some idea of what a 10,000% return means, to get that return on a Certificate of Deposit at today’s rates, you would have to hold onto it for… three… hundred… years. That’s a looong time!

[ she steps in front of her desk and sits ]

Now, here’s how it works: Simply subscribe to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Investment Newsletter. [ she holds up a copy of the newsletter ] Every issue is jam-packed with my Hillary Rodham Clinton investment tips, like:

Don’t Invest in Land.

Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas.

And, perhaps the most important tip of all: Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas with the McDougals.

And, if you call now, you’ll get this free booklet: [ she holds it up ] “Cattle: How to Turn a Thousand Dollars Into a Hundred Thousand Dollars.” [ she winks ] It really works!

Plus, as a special added gift, this history of “Saturday Night Live”, entitled “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.” [ she holds up the book ] Oh! I almost forgot: “LIVE, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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