How Much Ya Bench?
Frankie Genovese…..Emilio Estevez
Steroid User #1…..Adam Sandler
Steroid User #2…..Chris Farley
Steroid User #3…..David Spade
Steroid User #4…..Jay Mohr
Caller #2…..Mike Myers
[open on panelists with theme music and title: “How Much Ya Bench?”] [all panelists have heavily overdeveloped upper bodies]
Announcer: And now it’s time for “How Much Ya Bench,” with your host, Frankie Genovese.[title is removed]
Frankie: Hello, and welcome to “How Much Ya Bench,” the show dedicated to body building and a steroid-free power lifting experience. I think you know our panelists, especially if you are a Perth Amboy local, in which case you would also know that we enjoy a lifting experience that’s completely free of steroid influence.[other panelists agree while the shot widens to show that the panelists’ legs are comically underdeveloped]
Frankie: Before we go to the phones, let’s start off with a regular segment on “How Much Ya Bench?” called Movie Talk. This is where we have a steroid-free discussion of the movies. Tonight’s topic: Hollywood’s hot new actors and how much we want to kick their heads in. First up: Brad Pitt. He’s becoming a big star. Do we like it?
Steroid User #1: My girl thinks he’s really cute. And she says he was really good in “Thelma and Louise.” So to be quite honest, I’d like to give him a savage beating. The kind of beating where the cops would say, “What kind of animal would do this to another human being?”[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]
Steroid User #2: Yeah! Brad Pitt needs a beatin’! He needs a beatin’ Fast! I swear to God, I am not in the mood for him, ever!
Frankie: To sum up, I guess Brad Pitt gets a beatin’. Next up: Richard Grieco. The heat has faded, but he seems to still have that certain look on his face that needs to be wiped off. Agree?
Steroid User #1: Oh, my God, yes. I want to boot him so hard in the adam’s apple it comes shooting out his mouth. Holy lord, when I used to watch him on “21 Jump Street,” he would make me so angry it was like I was on steroids or something. That’s how angry he made me.
Steroid User #2: Hey, Grieco, what’s behind you? It’s your worst nightmare, mister. Mr. Big-Time Beatin’! [punctuates the following with hand/arm gestures] Wham! Bam! Slam! Throat punch! Down you go! Oh, but it continues! Bam, bam, bam! Wham! When’s it ever gonna stop?! Survey says: Not very soon![other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]
Steroid User #3: I can’t follow his energy. However, I’d like to stress two things. Brad Pitt needs a beatin’, and I’m not on steroids.
Steroid User #1: Very nice.
Steroid User #2: All right, yeah.
Steroid User #3: Mr. Pitt, if I ever see you, I’ll give you so many rights, you’ll be begging for lefts![other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]
Frankie: A beatin’ all around. All right, finally: Charlie Sheen. Thoughts.
Steroid User #1: He’s cool.
Steroid User #2: I like his work.
Steroid User #3: Laughed my ass off at “Hot Shots Part Deux.”
Steroid User #4: Yeah, you know what? I’m on the fence. I could go either way with him.
Frankie: Shut up, gentlemen! The man needs a beatin’! He needs a good old-fashioned James Caan, “Godfather,” garbage can involved monster beatin’![other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]
Frankie: All right. And let me say that what you’ve just seen was a display of normal male envy and agression, and in no way was the consequence of steroid abuse. Stay off the juice! The side effects aren’t worth it. All right, before we take calls, I think someone here has an announcement to make.
Steroid User #1: Indeed I do. Just this last Friday at 2:23pm, I was benching and I put up 350 pounds.[other panelists cheer him on with shouts and grunts]
Steroid User #2: You! You! Yeah! All right! You did it totally without the aid of steroids! Or steroid byproducts! You must be amped man! 350! Let’s see that rip![Steroid User #1 flexes and turns, showing that his back is extremely hairy]
Steroid User #1: And I’m not even oiled up, gentlemen!
Frankie: Well, it’s my guess we lost a few callers with that one. I’d like to thank those of you that hung in there. So let’s get to your calls. Caller, you’re on. How much ya bench?
Caller #1: 255. Steroid-free, just like you guys.[panelists make girly ding-a-ling]
Steroid User #3: Tinkerbell! Tinkerbell! 255?! You calling to brag about that?! Anything else you want to brag about? Maybe how you got great seats for “Phantom of the Opera?”
Steroid User #2: Yeah! Or maybe how you got great seats for…some other queer play.
Steroid User #4: Now hang up the phone, all right, because there’s a lot of other guys at the gay bar who need to use it, all right, you selfish bastard. God! I’m not on steroids!
Frankie: Okay, next caller. You’re on the air. How much ya bench?
Caller #2: Hey, I don’t really work out, okay. My question is for Steroid User #2.
Frankie: Hey, hey, hey, there’s no one here on steroids, nancy-boy.
Caller #2: Uh, yeah. Steroid User #2. Could you tell me why your legs are so thin?
Steroid User #2: That’s because I generally don’t like to kick guys like you into a coma! I like to hear your bones snap under my fists!
Caller #2: Let me ask one more question. How do you guys ever get girls? I mean, do you have to hypnotize them or something?
Steroid User #4: Oh, no, no, no. You do.[other panelists agree with shouts and grunts]
Steroid User #1: Hang up the phone, nancy-boy! Save your money for when you call 1-900-MAKE-OUT-WITH-A-GUY.
Frankie: All right, next caller. You’re on. How much ya bench?
Charlie Sheen: Hey, steroid-boy. This is Charlie Sheen. You want a piece of me?
Frankie: Yeah! Where you at, pretty boy?
Charlie Sheen: You know where I live, Emilio. I’ll be right here.
Frankie: Hey, Charlie. Come on, it’s just a sketch.
Charlie Sheen: Oh, yeah? Well it’s just a beatin’! Get ready for it! [hangs up]
Frankie: Oh, ah, um, next caller. How much ya bench?
Caller #3: Uh, not a tremendous amount. Hey, I lost a dog, and I was wondering if I could describe him in case a viewer has seen his.
Frankie: You got it, alpha woman. What’s this poodle look like?
Caller #3: No, it’s not a poodle. I don’t know what kind it is, but I know it’s definitely on steroids. It’s real buff, with little stick-legs. And it’s got this weird forehead, real hairy back and shoulders with tons of zits. It goes through crazy mood swings, and it answers to “loser.”
Steroid User #4: Oh, my God, Frankie! There ain’t no dog! This guy’s referring to us! Oh, I can’t stand it! Oh, my God! I want a piece of this guy! Oh, God, please, God, I gotta give this guy a beatin’! [sobs]
Steroid User #2: You will pay, nancy-boy! Oh, it’s coming! You hear me?! [with arms and legs flailing] Oh, God, you are gonna pay! One sorry nancy-boy!
Frankie: We’re gonna find out where you live, and you’re dead! Everybody else, tune in next week to “How Much Ya Bench?”[dissolve to advertizement screen]
Announcer: “How Much Ya Bench?” has been brought to you by Jim Tischer’s Anabolic Steroids. For when you want big mass and got no time. Turn to the juice. Jim Tischer’s juice.[dissolve to panelists with theme song and title: “How Much Ya Bench?”] [fade to black]
Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!