Michael Fay Caning
Michael Fay…..Emilio Estevez
[ open on wide shot of Singapore skyline over body of water, with SUPER: “Singapore, April 16th, 1994” ] [ dissolve to interior, prison room, a pair of guards tying Michael Fay’s wrists to a tall torture device, Fay’s pants pulled down to his ankles ]
Warden: [ reading, in a thick Oriental accent ] Michael Fay. For the crime of vandalizing cars and buses, the nation of Singapore has sentenced you-ou to six strokes of the cane. The sentence will be carried out.. now-ow.[ a snappily-dressed American, in tan coat and tie, enters the room ]
Caner: Hello, Michael My name’s Jeff Gardner.
Michael Fay: Thank God! Are you from the State Department?
Caner: No, I’m the caner. I’m the one who’s gonna be caning you.
Michael Fay: But you’re am American.
Caner: Yep! Born and raised. [ walks to the wall, removes his jacket and hangs it up, then reaches for a cane among a rack filled with canes ]
Michael Fay: So, what are you doing here?
Caner: Well, I’ll tell ya — [ holds up his chosen cane and looks through the hollow of it ] You know, I always wanted to be a caner, but there’s, uh.. there’s not much call for caners back in the States, so, hey! You gotta go where the work is, you know? But, I’ll tell ya – Singapore is, uh.. is pretty nice, you know? How’s your visit been here so far?
Michael Fay: Okay. Not great.
Caner: Yeah. You know, you gotta give it a chance, it’ll grow on you – it’s clean, a great climate, and, virtually, no crime.
Michael Fay: So I understand.
Caner: Yeah. you know why there’s no crime? The caning!
Michael Fay: Yeah.
Caner: Although, actually, you know, caning is pretty barbaric, when you think about it.
Michael Fay: Yeah, I agree.
Caner: But, you know, they don’t pay me to think. They pay me to cane people. [ raises cane in the air for soem practice swings ] So, now, you’re a student, huh? What grade you in?
Michael Fay: Actually, I’m in college. I’m taking some courses over at the — [ screams as the Caner raises his cane into the air ]
Caner: No, no, no. Please, finish up.
Michael Fay: Well.. I’m, uh, uh.. I’m taking a bunch of language courses at the University of Singapore.
Caner: Ah! Th-that’s a good school! [ takes the first swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Oof!
Caner: Now.. are you living on campus over there? I heard they got some really nice dorms.
Michael Fay: [ gasps ]
Caner: You play tennis?
Michael Fay: Yeah, uh.. a little.
Caner: Me, too. Hey, we should play together sometime. You know, I’m getting a little tired of playing with these, you know? [ takes the second swift cane to Fay’s ass ] You know what I’m saying?
Michael Fay: Oof!
Caner: [ whispers ] You know, Mike? I think we better to get a doctor over here. [ looks offscreen to the doctor ] Hey, you want to have a look at this? [ the Oriental doctor steps forward ] What have I got here, Doc?
Doctor: [ in heavy Oriental accent ] Uh.. it looks like a blister. Probably from the caning.
Caner: Ah. Ah, thanks. [ doctor exits ] Like I need a doctor to tell me that, huh? [ takes the third swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Agh!
Caner: Funny story about that doctor! I was caning this guy, right? And he passes out, I think it was because of the incredible pain, you know? So, uh.. I keep caning him, you know, which you’re really not supposed to do! The doctor shows up, tells me the guy is dead! [ laughing ] Can you believe that! I was caning a dead guy! Is that crazy, or what?!
Michael Fay: [ not amused ] Yeah.
Caner: Hey, you know something? You’ve got a pretty nice-looking can there?
Michael Fay: [ disturbed ] What?!
Caner: Oh, I’m not one of those guys or anything, you know? It’s just that, I see a lot of them, that’s all. [ takes the fourth swift cane to Fay’s ass ] Hey, uh.. I’m losing track here. How many was that?
Michael Fay: [ smiles ] I think that’s all of them.
Caner: Nice try! I was just kidding! you got two more![ the phone rings, answered by the Warden. The Caner and Michael Fay look on with interest, as the Warden steps forward ]
Warden: It’s the Chief Justice of Singapore.
Michael Fay: Oh, thank God!
Caner: Oh, doesn’t he know I’m in the middle of a caning here?
Warden: He say very important.
Caner: Oh, that’s weird. You know, the Chief Justice only calls when there’s a pardon. What do you suppose he wants? [ takes the fifth swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Maybe it’s a pardon!
Caner: Relax, buddy, you gotta save your strength, okay? You’ve got one more. [ takes the sixth and final swift cane to Fay’s ass ]
Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Just ask what he wants!
Caner: All right. [ to Warden ] What does he want?
Warden: [ listens into the phone ] Mr. Fay. I have some good news, and bad news.
Michael Fay: What’s the good news?
Warden: You have been pardoned!
Michael Fay: Thanks. What’s the bad news?
Warden: [ glumly ] Well.. “Live, from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”