Michael Fay Caning


Michael Fay Caning

Warden…..Rob Schneider
Michael Fay…..Emilio Estevez
Caner…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor…..Phil Hartman

[ open on wide shot of Singapore skyline over body of water, with SUPER: “Singapore, April 16th, 1994” ] [ dissolve to interior, prison room, a pair of guards tying Michael Fay’s wrists to a tall torture device, Fay’s pants pulled down to his ankles ]

Warden: [ reading, in a thick Oriental accent ] Michael Fay. For the crime of vandalizing cars and buses, the nation of Singapore has sentenced you-ou to six strokes of the cane. The sentence will be carried out.. now-ow.

[ a snappily-dressed American, in tan coat and tie, enters the room ]

Caner: Hello, Michael My name’s Jeff Gardner.

Michael Fay: Thank God! Are you from the State Department?

Caner: No, I’m the caner. I’m the one who’s gonna be caning you.

Michael Fay: But you’re am American.

Caner: Yep! Born and raised. [ walks to the wall, removes his jacket and hangs it up, then reaches for a cane among a rack filled with canes ]

Michael Fay: So, what are you doing here?

Caner: Well, I’ll tell ya — [ holds up his chosen cane and looks through the hollow of it ] You know, I always wanted to be a caner, but there’s, uh.. there’s not much call for caners back in the States, so, hey! You gotta go where the work is, you know? But, I’ll tell ya – Singapore is, uh.. is pretty nice, you know? How’s your visit been here so far?

Michael Fay: Okay. Not great.

Caner: Yeah. You know, you gotta give it a chance, it’ll grow on you – it’s clean, a great climate, and, virtually, no crime.

Michael Fay: So I understand.

Caner: Yeah. you know why there’s no crime? The caning!

Michael Fay: Yeah.

Caner: Although, actually, you know, caning is pretty barbaric, when you think about it.

Michael Fay: Yeah, I agree.

Caner: But, you know, they don’t pay me to think. They pay me to cane people. [ raises cane in the air for soem practice swings ] So, now, you’re a student, huh? What grade you in?

Michael Fay: Actually, I’m in college. I’m taking some courses over at the — [ screams as the Caner raises his cane into the air ]

Caner: No, no, no. Please, finish up.

Michael Fay: Well.. I’m, uh, uh.. I’m taking a bunch of language courses at the University of Singapore.

Caner: Ah! Th-that’s a good school! [ takes the first swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: Now.. are you living on campus over there? I heard they got some really nice dorms.

Michael Fay: [ gasps ]

Caner: You play tennis?

Michael Fay: Yeah, uh.. a little.

Caner: Me, too. Hey, we should play together sometime. You know, I’m getting a little tired of playing with these, you know? [ takes the second swift cane to Fay’s ass ] You know what I’m saying?

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: [ whispers ] You know, Mike? I think we better to get a doctor over here. [ looks offscreen to the doctor ] Hey, you want to have a look at this? [ the Oriental doctor steps forward ] What have I got here, Doc?

Doctor: [ in heavy Oriental accent ] Uh.. it looks like a blister. Probably from the caning.

Caner: Ah. Ah, thanks. [ doctor exits ] Like I need a doctor to tell me that, huh? [ takes the third swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Agh!

Caner: Funny story about that doctor! I was caning this guy, right? And he passes out, I think it was because of the incredible pain, you know? So, uh.. I keep caning him, you know, which you’re really not supposed to do! The doctor shows up, tells me the guy is dead! [ laughing ] Can you believe that! I was caning a dead guy! Is that crazy, or what?!

Michael Fay: [ not amused ] Yeah.

Caner: Hey, you know something? You’ve got a pretty nice-looking can there?

Michael Fay: [ disturbed ] What?!

Caner: Oh, I’m not one of those guys or anything, you know? It’s just that, I see a lot of them, that’s all. [ takes the fourth swift cane to Fay’s ass ] Hey, uh.. I’m losing track here. How many was that?

Michael Fay: [ smiles ] I think that’s all of them.

Caner: Nice try! I was just kidding! you got two more!

[ the phone rings, answered by the Warden. The Caner and Michael Fay look on with interest, as the Warden steps forward ]

Warden: It’s the Chief Justice of Singapore.

Michael Fay: Oh, thank God!

Caner: Oh, doesn’t he know I’m in the middle of a caning here?

Warden: He say very important.

Caner: Oh, that’s weird. You know, the Chief Justice only calls when there’s a pardon. What do you suppose he wants? [ takes the fifth swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Maybe it’s a pardon!

Caner: Relax, buddy, you gotta save your strength, okay? You’ve got one more. [ takes the sixth and final swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Just ask what he wants!

Caner: All right. [ to Warden ] What does he want?

Warden: [ listens into the phone ] Mr. Fay. I have some good news, and bad news.

Michael Fay: What’s the good news?

Warden: You have been pardoned!

Michael Fay: Thanks. What’s the bad news?

Warden: [ glumly ] Well.. “Live, from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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3 years ago

I can’t believe this site exists..this is amazing xD

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