Michael Fay Caning

Michael Fay Caning

Warden…..Rob Schneider
Michael Fay…..Emilio Estevez
Caner…..Kevin Nealon
Doctor…..Phil Hartman

[ open on wide shot of Singapore skyline over body of water, with SUPER: “Singapore, April 16th, 1994” ] [ dissolve to interior, prison room, a pair of guards tying Michael Fay’s wrists to a tall torture device, Fay’s pants pulled down to his ankles ]

Warden: [ reading, in a thick Oriental accent ] Michael Fay. For the crime of vandalizing cars and buses, the nation of Singapore has sentenced you-ou to six strokes of the cane. The sentence will be carried out.. now-ow.

[ a snappily-dressed American, in tan coat and tie, enters the room ]

Caner: Hello, Michael My name’s Jeff Gardner.

Michael Fay: Thank God! Are you from the State Department?

Caner: No, I’m the caner. I’m the one who’s gonna be caning you.

Michael Fay: But you’re am American.

Caner: Yep! Born and raised. [ walks to the wall, removes his jacket and hangs it up, then reaches for a cane among a rack filled with canes ]

Michael Fay: So, what are you doing here?

Caner: Well, I’ll tell ya — [ holds up his chosen cane and looks through the hollow of it ] You know, I always wanted to be a caner, but there’s, uh.. there’s not much call for caners back in the States, so, hey! You gotta go where the work is, you know? But, I’ll tell ya – Singapore is, uh.. is pretty nice, you know? How’s your visit been here so far?

Michael Fay: Okay. Not great.

Caner: Yeah. You know, you gotta give it a chance, it’ll grow on you – it’s clean, a great climate, and, virtually, no crime.

Michael Fay: So I understand.

Caner: Yeah. you know why there’s no crime? The caning!

Michael Fay: Yeah.

Caner: Although, actually, you know, caning is pretty barbaric, when you think about it.

Michael Fay: Yeah, I agree.

Caner: But, you know, they don’t pay me to think. They pay me to cane people. [ raises cane in the air for soem practice swings ] So, now, you’re a student, huh? What grade you in?

Michael Fay: Actually, I’m in college. I’m taking some courses over at the — [ screams as the Caner raises his cane into the air ]

Caner: No, no, no. Please, finish up.

Michael Fay: Well.. I’m, uh, uh.. I’m taking a bunch of language courses at the University of Singapore.

Caner: Ah! Th-that’s a good school! [ takes the first swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: Now.. are you living on campus over there? I heard they got some really nice dorms.

Michael Fay: [ gasps ]

Caner: You play tennis?

Michael Fay: Yeah, uh.. a little.

Caner: Me, too. Hey, we should play together sometime. You know, I’m getting a little tired of playing with these, you know? [ takes the second swift cane to Fay’s ass ] You know what I’m saying?

Michael Fay: Oof!

Caner: [ whispers ] You know, Mike? I think we better to get a doctor over here. [ looks offscreen to the doctor ] Hey, you want to have a look at this? [ the Oriental doctor steps forward ] What have I got here, Doc?

Doctor: [ in heavy Oriental accent ] Uh.. it looks like a blister. Probably from the caning.

Caner: Ah. Ah, thanks. [ doctor exits ] Like I need a doctor to tell me that, huh? [ takes the third swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Agh!

Caner: Funny story about that doctor! I was caning this guy, right? And he passes out, I think it was because of the incredible pain, you know? So, uh.. I keep caning him, you know, which you’re really not supposed to do! The doctor shows up, tells me the guy is dead! [ laughing ] Can you believe that! I was caning a dead guy! Is that crazy, or what?!

Michael Fay: [ not amused ] Yeah.

Caner: Hey, you know something? You’ve got a pretty nice-looking can there?

Michael Fay: [ disturbed ] What?!

Caner: Oh, I’m not one of those guys or anything, you know? It’s just that, I see a lot of them, that’s all. [ takes the fourth swift cane to Fay’s ass ] Hey, uh.. I’m losing track here. How many was that?

Michael Fay: [ smiles ] I think that’s all of them.

Caner: Nice try! I was just kidding! you got two more!

[ the phone rings, answered by the Warden. The Caner and Michael Fay look on with interest, as the Warden steps forward ]

Warden: It’s the Chief Justice of Singapore.

Michael Fay: Oh, thank God!

Caner: Oh, doesn’t he know I’m in the middle of a caning here?

Warden: He say very important.

Caner: Oh, that’s weird. You know, the Chief Justice only calls when there’s a pardon. What do you suppose he wants? [ takes the fifth swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Maybe it’s a pardon!

Caner: Relax, buddy, you gotta save your strength, okay? You’ve got one more. [ takes the sixth and final swift cane to Fay’s ass ]

Michael Fay: Oof! Please! Just ask what he wants!

Caner: All right. [ to Warden ] What does he want?

Warden: [ listens into the phone ] Mr. Fay. I have some good news, and bad news.

Michael Fay: What’s the good news?

Warden: You have been pardoned!

Michael Fay: Thanks. What’s the bad news?

Warden: [ glumly ] Well.. “Live, from New York.. it’s Saturday Night.”

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