The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service
Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler
[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe camera ]
Announcer: If you’re thinking of going away this summer, why not let the Herlihy Boy take care of your grandmother? Out of an estimated 5 grandmother sitting services in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.
Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me drive your grandmother to the store. Please? Let me drive her to the store. She can’t drive a car. She wants to go to the store. Why not let me drive her there?
Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy drive your grandmother to the store!! That’s all!! [ almost cries ]
Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’ve you been? Oh, that’s nice. Let me comb your grandmother’s hair. Please let me comb her hair? Her hair gets so knotty and messy. A good combing could fix that. And I could give her that combing. I’ll make her look real proper like. Please? Let me comb her hair.
Mr. O’Malley: [ pleading loudly ] Let the boy comb your grandma’s hair! Hair is in the dear woman’s eye, she can’t see her grandchildren! Let him comb it back! Dear Lord..!
Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’s thing? Oh, yeah, you did? That’s great! Let me give your grandmother a abth. Please? You know she needs a bath. Why not let me give her one? I swear, I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’ll just scrub her back with a big sponge. I won’t scrub her front. That’s a promise. Unless she asks me to. Please, let me give your grandmother a bath.
Mr. O’Malley: [ outraged ] Sweet jumping MARY AND JOSEPH!! Let the boy give the old lady a BATH!! You knowq she’d give HERSELF a bath if she could!! But she CAN’T!! So let the boy DOP IT!! You think she LIKES smelling that way?!! For GOD’S SAKES, have some COMPASSION!! Good.. Lord..!
Herlihy Boy: Hello. That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. Let me shave your grandmother’s beard. Please? You can see all those granny hairs coming out of there. You know that’s not right. Come on. She didn’t live 83 years to end up with a beard. Please. Let me shave it off.
Mr. O’Malley: [ more outraged ] For the LOVE of GOD!!Let the boy — [ stops mid-pose, turns to Herlihy Boy ] I just gotta say one thing before I go on.
Herlihy Boy: Yeah?
Mr. O’Malley: If you shave the woman’s beard off, it’s just gonna grow back in two weeks’ time. Doubly as thick. Whereas, if you wax the beard, you got at least three, four months before the next sprouting! Might be something to think about!
Herlihy Boy: Okay. Wax, wax.
Mr. O’Malley: That’s using your head, son. [ returns to his stance ] Let the boy WAX your grandmother’s BEARD!! Is that beard doing anybody any good at all?!! Dear Lord!! All it’s doing is making everybody SICK!! GET RID OF IT!!![ Emilio Estevez steps forward ]
Emilio Estevez: Hello. I’m Emilio Estevez. Look, the beard’s gotta go. I haven’t even seen your grandmother, but I’ve got a visual going on in my head, and I swear to God I’m about to yak! So, lose the beard. Seriously.
Mr. O’Malley: This Emilio kid makes a good point. Everybody’s stomach is queasy just thinking about the old woman’s beard! While we’re standing here yapping about it, the beard continues to grow! So, just let the boy wax it! Edn of story! [ rambles incoherently ]
Herlihy Boy: Let me marry your grandmother. Please. I’ll make a good husband. Come on. I’ve already seen her naked in the tub. So why not let me marry her? That’ll make me your grandfather. I’ll pull a quarter out of your ear and give you butterscotch candy. Please? This is your grandpa talking. Let me marry your grandmother.
Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy marry your grandma! Who cares what people think?! Age difference, schmage difference!! Lordy bagordy! Just let love take its course! And give this marriage your blessing!! Is anybody listening?!!
Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg. My grandmother-sitting track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.[ Mr. O’Malley and Emilio Estevez reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]
Announer: The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service. He loves your grandmother because he is your grandmother. I don’t know what that means.