Poker Billy


Poker Billy

Spaniard…..Rob Schneider
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows
Dapper Gentleman…..Mike Myers
Dealer…..Phil Hartman
Poker Billy…..Emilio Estevez
Guitarist…..Michael McKean
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Drunk…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ] [ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]

Spaniard: I fold!

Black Guy: I’m out.

Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!

Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?

Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]

Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!

Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.

Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]

Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!

Poker Billy: Really?

Dealer: Yes.

Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?

Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Poker Billy was a gambler
Poker was his game.
He never figured out the rules
But he loved it just the same.
Now, sometimes Bill got lucky
As morons often do.
But luck don’t make a difference
When you havn’t got a clue.”

[ pan back to the card game, table now back on its legs ]

Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?

Black GuyI’ll take two.

Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.

Spaniard: Three, por favor.

Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?

Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!

[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]

Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!

Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?

Poker Billy: You holdin’ out on me? I said eight!

Dapper Gentleman: Uh, listen, Billy.. in Five Card Draw, you-you can’t have eight cards. It’s sort of a Five Card Draw tradition, you see.

Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]

Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Now, ignoramus is a word
That’s often overused.
But in the case of Poker Billy
I think you’d be excused.”

Bartender: “Special classes –“

Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”

Bartender: “Special teachers –“

Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”

Bartender: “Special doctors –“

“– Shook their heads
and Billy’s parents ran away.”

[ pan back to the card game, table back on its legs again ]

Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?

Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.

Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]

Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!

Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.

Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!

Spaniard: Here we go!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Bartender: [ singing ]“I’d like to emphasize a point
we’re making it this song.
Even though it’s very clear
We’ve gone on way too long.
Say he’s stupid.”

Guitarist: “Now, you got it!”

Bartender: “Not a genius.”

Guitarist: “Not at all!”

Bartender: “Lobotomy.”

Guitarist: “I wouldn’t doubt it!”

Drunk: “I think his brain is very small – yahoo!”

[ pan back to Poker Billy, talking with Jenny ]

Poker Billy: Jenny?

Jenny: Mmm-hmm?

Poker Billy: Who do you like better, me or Texas Jim?

Jenny: Why, Billy, you’re my ace of spades, and Texas Jim’s just a thre of clubs! [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: What exactly are you sayin’?

Jenny: Well, Billy, you’re my royal flush, and he’s just a pair of deuces. [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: I still don’t get it, Jenny, help me out here.

Jenny: Bily, listen carefully: I love you with all my heart! You could say I’m your Queen of Hearts! Get it!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ reaches over to overturn the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: “He’s very stupid.”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Not too bright!”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Stupid, stupid!”

“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
He’s the stupidest guy who ever played the gaaaaame!!”

[ Poker Billy ambles over ]

Poker Billy: Come back soon, Poker Billy!

Guitarist: That’s you, Billy.

Poker Billy: Oh, yeah.. right.

[ pan out and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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