Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


93r: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
Operaman … Adam Sandler

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusseswith his papers as his image continues to rotate onthe screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view ofKevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.Now, our top story:

This week, seven top tobacco company CEOs testifiedbefore a congressional health committee. Theexecutives said they believe nicotine is NOTaddictive. They also testified that asbestos is a goodsource of fiber. …

The president of the American Tobacco Company saidcigarettes were no more dangerous than Twinkies. Helater clarified his statement, saying what he meantwas that Twinkies have a longer shelf life than mostcigarette smokers. …

In a related story, this week marked the 64thanniversary of the Twinkie. To commemorate theoccasion, Hostess proudly displayed the very firstTwinkie which is expected to reach its expiration datesometime next year. …

Yesterday, Bill and Hillary Clinton paid fourteenthousand six hundred dollars in back taxes, plus theinterest on an unreported 1980 sixty-five hundreddollar investment profit. Using a familiarexplanation, the president said he profited but hedidn’t invest. … [hardly anyone laughs] Ah.

A movement was started this week in support of theMenendez brothers under which money would be raised tohelp get the brothers out of prison and send them onan all-expense-paid trip to Singapore. …

Kevin Nealon: Weekend Update would like tooffer this editorial opinion right now. [superimposedtext reads: Subliminal Editorial] In Singapore, publicflogging by law is one hundred years old. DickClark. And, frankly … I was stunned to thinkthere was any place on Earth where a teenage boy couldbe stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks.Neverland Ranch. Admittedly … some convictedfelons deserve to be beaten. Leona Helmsley.But some say justice must be satisfied. But who getssatisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped?Rick James. Others say … this acts as adeterrent but no one can predict the future.Hillary Clinton. Yes, the boy admitted to spraypainting cars but he’s only eighteen and young peopleoften do stupid and impulsive things they laterregret. Shannen Doherty. I happen to think …that everyone’s entitled to one mistake. EuroDisney. And I’m not saying there aren’t … thosewho I’d love to see get a good flogging. Urkel.It’s just that … I’m afraid we’ve become soinsensitive that we’ve learned to accept the idea of aman’s beating in public. Pee Wee Herman. Let’shave some compassion … [cheers and applause]Remember– No, I’m just saying, you gotta– Remember,justice should be tempered with mercy. These wordsfrom a wise man — Bazooka Joe — should be ourwatchword. … And hopefully, before long, this boycan go on with his life and his story will beyesterday’s news and long forgotten. DebbieGibson. Thank you. … [cheers and applause]

In other news, several brands of discount crayons,recalled last week due to high levels of lead, will beput back on the market and sold as pencils….

And, in Hollywood, actor Dudley Moore and longtimegirlfriend Nicole Rothschild tied the knot today, justa few weeks after he was accused of beating her. It ishis fourth marriage and her first beating. …

Kevin Nealon: And now here with a look at somecurrent events is Weekend Update correspondentOperaman. Operaman?

[Cheers and applause for the tuxedo-wearing,long-haired, handkerchief-wielding opera singer. Hesings his entire commentary in a hybrid of English andmock Italian, set to opera and opera-like melodies.Just like at the opera, a superimposed text clarifiesthe singer’s words.]

Operaman: [sings, to piano accompaniment]Grazia, Kevin, grazia.

[image of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
Bill and Hillary make dinero
On the cattle
Vince Foster murdered right
Before he tattle …
Shame on you-ah
Por Whitewater
Una more mistako

Leprechaun Lick-ah your daughter

[image of building in Singapore]Operaman vacacione
In Singapore
Spray paint grafitti
Now mi buttcheeks are sore …

[image of 1040 income tax form]Dat time of year-a
Tax time es here-a …
Mucho lira
Disappearra …
No deductions
Don’t get discourgi
I found out you can
Write off 976-ORGY …


[image of former basketball player “Magic”Johnson]Senore Johnson!
El coache!
Teacho shooto
Teacho bounco
Justa promise
[image of Johnson wearing broadcast announcer’sheadset]No more announco …

[image of magician David Copperfield and model ClaudiaSchiffer]Copperfield!
Coppa-feelo! …
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo …
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh …

[Cheers and applause as Operaman pulls a stuffed bunnyfrom his pants, tosses it away. Image of musical guestPearl Jam — instead of another aria, Operaman’s nextitem is an operatic parody of Pearl Jam’s song”Evenflow”]

Eeyo zama dama dingy dong
Operaman’s a big Pearl Jam fan-o
[image of Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder]Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo
Eddie Vedder’s even better
Looking in person-o
Eeyo zama dama ding dong
I wish he didn’t have a girlfriend-o
Oh, no-a!
Eeyo I’m not saying I’m gay I’m just saying therecomes a time in every man’s life when he questions hisown sexuality!…
Oh no!

[cheers and applause]

I like-a to sing for you!
Dat’s-a-no lie!
Operaman, Bye Bye

[Huge cheers and applause. Operaman is pelted withroses.]

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies andgentlemen!

[Kevin wipes tears from his eyes, rises and claps,saying “Bravo! Bravo!” etc. Operaman smells roses,waves, saying “Oh, yes!” “Thank you!” and “Grazi!”Kevin sits. Operaman exits.]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.Queer. That was great. …

Albany, New York has proposed a bill to change all its”dead end” street signs to the more genteel “cul desac.” In a related action, New York City will changeits “dead end” street signs to “Nice going. Nowyou gotta turn around, you stupid bastard.”…

Well, Mattell announced this week they’ll beintroducing a new Nancy Kerrigan doll. They said aTonya Harding doll is also in the works. Well,actually, it’s not a doll, it’s an action figure….

Actor Timothy Dalton has decided to quit playingSecret Service agent James Bond in the movies. Theannouncement reportedly left producers shaken, notstirred. … With Dalton stepping down, the search forthe new James Bond is on. Leading contenders includePierce Brosnan, Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell… or federal judge Jose Cabranes who would be thefirst Hispanic James Bond. …

New evidence this week was found. Scientists areexpected to use it to replace the old evidence….

The NASA launching of the world’s most sophisticatedstate-of-the-art weather satellite has been delayedthis week because of bad weather. [few laughs] More onthat story as it develops.

In art, the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam hasdiscovered nineteen previously unknown works by theDutch artist that he apparently printed over — orpainted over. The works were found by X-raying thecanvases and reflect a simpler, earlier technique andstyle of painting. [image of comic strip charactersNancy and Sluggo] …

Taking a look now at the national picture– [Kevinturns to glance at a map of the United States] Yeah,there it is. …

Female condoms went on sale here this week in theUnited States. The female condom is said to preventpregnancy by fitting snugly over a woman’s wine glass…. [applause]

And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner fornaming his nightspot “Club Madonna.” The club ownerhas filed a countersuit claiming “Club Madonna” is notthe name of his club but simply a suggestion. …[applause]

And now our final story. Doctors say the cure forbaldness may be held in a prostate drug. The onlyknown side effect? A hairy ass. …

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to betaking notes with a pencil on top of the Update deskas we pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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