Psychotic Cab Ride


93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Psychotic Cab Ride

Man…..John Goodman
Cabdriver…..Rob Schneider
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Officer…..Michael McKean

[ open on exterior footage of New York City streets – Night ] [ couple enter cab ]

Man: 86th and Broadway, please.

Cabdriver: Alright.

[ meter starts running ]

Cabdriver: You guys like movie trivia.

Man: Uh.. sure. [ his wife giggles ]

Cabdriver: Okay. We all know Richard Harris starred in the movie “Camelot”, but who starred in the original Broadway production?

Woman: That’s easy – Richard Burton.

Cabdriver: Uh-huh. And how did he die?

Woman: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Run down by a cabbie!

Man: [ surprised ] Really?

Cabdriver: Alright. What movie, and who said it: “Round up the usual suspects.”

Man: Uh.. “Casablanca”, and.. Claude Rains.

Cabdriver: That’s right. And how did he die in real life?

Man: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Slain by a cabdriver! [ a beat ] Here’s a good one: what two Olympic champions play Tarzan in the movies? I’ll give you a hint – they were both cut in half by an insaner cabdriver.

Man: [ starting to get worried ] You know, I-I-I think we’re gonna get out here.

Cabdriver: No, no, we’re not there yet! Hey, you guys actors?

Couple: NO!!

Cabdriver: It’s too bad. I’d have you sign my book. [ a beat ] Okay. Here’s one: What was the North American location for the filming of “The Ten Commandments”, and what was the occupation of the man who buried seven bodies there?

Man: [ uncomfortable ] W-we really don’t know..

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] You’re gonna kick yourselves when I tell ya! The location was Niagrara Falls, and the psychotic killer burying the bodies was a cabdriver! So, you guys heading to a party tonight?

Man: We’re gonna see my friend’s band play at a club.

Cabdriver: You like music, huh? Here’s some music trivia: An original back-up singer for The Shirelles, suffocated in the trunk of what vehicle? What vehicle?

Woman: [ hesitant ] ..A taxi..?

Cabdriver: Bingo!

Man: We’re here! You can let us out now —

Cabdriver: I can’t let you out now – we’re on a roll. Let’s go around the block. Alright, this is a toughie: “Hair”. She starred in the Broadway musical and the movie. She also escaped from a deranged cabbie’s taxi after he tried to kill her with carbon monoxide fumes. She crawled six blocks to a phone, where she called the police. What was her name?

Man: I’m not sure, but you’re really gonna have to let us out.

Cabdriver: I’ll give you a clue – I’m the one who tried to kill her!

Woman: [ scared ] We don’t know! Just please let us out!

Cabdriver: [ chuckles ] Bonnie Franklin! [ stops cab ] Alright, here we are – 86th and Broadway.

Man: We’re nowhere near 86th and Broadway.

Cabdriver: Okay, have fun now.

Man: Okay.

Cabdriver: Alright..

[ Man attempts to pay the cabdriver’s fare ] [ waves his hand ] Ah, this one’s on me. My pleasure! It was nice chatting with you guys! You guys are real trivia experts!

[ dissolve to exterior, police precinct ] [ dissolve to interior, couple filing report with Officer ]

Officer: He didn’t tell you anything else?

Woman: No..

Officer: Where the bodies were buried, or anything like that?

Woman: No..

Officer: Alright, I just got one more question: Who played the original Timmy on “Lassie”.. and from what precinct was the police officer who fileted him and cooked him in his own juices?

[ close-up of Officer’s face, as he turns to the camera with a sinister smile ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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