Psychotic Cab Ride

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Psychotic Cab Ride

Man…..John Goodman
Cabdriver…..Rob Schneider
Woman…..Julia Sweeney
Officer…..Michael McKean

[ open on exterior footage of New York City streets – Night ] [ couple enter cab ]

Man: 86th and Broadway, please.

Cabdriver: Alright.

[ meter starts running ]

Cabdriver: You guys like movie trivia.

Man: Uh.. sure. [ his wife giggles ]

Cabdriver: Okay. We all know Richard Harris starred in the movie “Camelot”, but who starred in the original Broadway production?

Woman: That’s easy – Richard Burton.

Cabdriver: Uh-huh. And how did he die?

Woman: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Run down by a cabbie!

Man: [ surprised ] Really?

Cabdriver: Alright. What movie, and who said it: “Round up the usual suspects.”

Man: Uh.. “Casablanca”, and.. Claude Rains.

Cabdriver: That’s right. And how did he die in real life?

Man: I don’t know.

Cabdriver: Slain by a cabdriver! [ a beat ] Here’s a good one: what two Olympic champions play Tarzan in the movies? I’ll give you a hint – they were both cut in half by an insaner cabdriver.

Man: [ starting to get worried ] You know, I-I-I think we’re gonna get out here.

Cabdriver: No, no, we’re not there yet! Hey, you guys actors?

Couple: NO!!

Cabdriver: It’s too bad. I’d have you sign my book. [ a beat ] Okay. Here’s one: What was the North American location for the filming of “The Ten Commandments”, and what was the occupation of the man who buried seven bodies there?

Man: [ uncomfortable ] W-we really don’t know..

Cabdriver: [ laughing ] You’re gonna kick yourselves when I tell ya! The location was Niagrara Falls, and the psychotic killer burying the bodies was a cabdriver! So, you guys heading to a party tonight?

Man: We’re gonna see my friend’s band play at a club.

Cabdriver: You like music, huh? Here’s some music trivia: An original back-up singer for The Shirelles, suffocated in the trunk of what vehicle? What vehicle?

Woman: [ hesitant ] ..A taxi..?

Cabdriver: Bingo!

Man: We’re here! You can let us out now —

Cabdriver: I can’t let you out now – we’re on a roll. Let’s go around the block. Alright, this is a toughie: “Hair”. She starred in the Broadway musical and the movie. She also escaped from a deranged cabbie’s taxi after he tried to kill her with carbon monoxide fumes. She crawled six blocks to a phone, where she called the police. What was her name?

Man: I’m not sure, but you’re really gonna have to let us out.

Cabdriver: I’ll give you a clue – I’m the one who tried to kill her!

Woman: [ scared ] We don’t know! Just please let us out!

Cabdriver: [ chuckles ] Bonnie Franklin! [ stops cab ] Alright, here we are – 86th and Broadway.

Man: We’re nowhere near 86th and Broadway.

Cabdriver: Okay, have fun now.

Man: Okay.

Cabdriver: Alright..

[ Man attempts to pay the cabdriver’s fare ] [ waves his hand ] Ah, this one’s on me. My pleasure! It was nice chatting with you guys! You guys are real trivia experts!

[ dissolve to exterior, police precinct ] [ dissolve to interior, couple filing report with Officer ]

Officer: He didn’t tell you anything else?

Woman: No..

Officer: Where the bodies were buried, or anything like that?

Woman: No..

Officer: Alright, I just got one more question: Who played the original Timmy on “Lassie”.. and from what precinct was the police officer who fileted him and cooked him in his own juices?

[ close-up of Officer’s face, as he turns to the camera with a sinister smile ] [ fade ]

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