New York Governor’s Debate


93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

New York Governor’s Debate

Glenda Bach…..Melanie Hutsell
Gov. Mario Cuomo…..Phil Hartman
Robin Quivers…..Ellen Cleghorne
Howard Stern…..Michael McKean
Voice of Stern Supporter #1…..Jay Mohr
Voice of Stern Supporter #2…..Chris Farley
Reporter…..Sarah Silverman
Gary Dell’Abate…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Live from the Empire State Civic Center in Albany: the 1994 New York Gubernatorial Debate. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. Here is this eveing’s moderator, Chapter President Glenda Bach.

Glenda Bach: Thank you. We have with us, tonight, the two major candidates for the office of Governor. It is my great pleasure to introduce the Incumbent: Gov. Mario Cuomo.

[ Mario Cuomo very seriously steps up to his podium ]

Glenda Bach: And now, the Libertarian candidate, making his first run for public office..

[ Robin Quivers suddenly appears over Glenda’s shoulder ]

Robin Quivers: That’s alright, I’ll take it from here. Hi, I’m Robin Quivers! Ladies and gentlemen, the King of All Media, Creator of Fart-Man, and the next governor of New York – Howard Stern!

[ Howard Stern enters the arena, holding out his arms to receive the riotous applause from his loyal fans and supporters, then steps behind his podium ]

Howard Stern: Alright, very good! Thank you, Robin! Thank you all for turning up – nice turnout!

[ Mario Cuomo sighs ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern..

Howard Stern: Yeah, it’s Howard, honey – what is it?

Glenda Bach: It’s customary to begin with the opening remarks from the Imcumbent.

Howard Stern: For him? Yeah, alright. JUst, uh.. just make it snappy, huh? I’m a busy man!

[ Robin laughs sycophantly at Howard’s comments ]

Glenda Bach: Fine. Governor Cuomo?

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Brenda. My decision.. to run a third time as Governor of the state of New York.. was prompted by my convictions-

[ Howard Stern begins to laugh rudely at Cuomo’s use of the word “convictions” in a sentence; Robin joins in laughing along with Howard ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, I’ll have to ask you to wait your turn?

Howard Stern: Yeah, I know, but, listen – I heard him talking about “convictions”, I gotta laugh! I mean, if the guy had any convictions, ah.. you know, he’d be putting murderers in the gas chamber! Where they belong!

[ Robin can’t help but to laugh, as though on command ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern!

Howard Stern: Just stuff them all in there at once, make their parents watch!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing like crazy ] Oh, Howard..!

Howard Stern: Come on, it’s all in my book!

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, please! This is the Governor’s time!

Howard Stern: Alright, don’t get your panties in a bunch! Let’s let him talk.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you. ..The conviction.. that our work is only half-done.. Now, we’ve made great strides economically.. socially..

Voice of Stern Supporter #1: We love you, Howard!!!

Voice of Stern Supporter #2: Stern rules!!! Woooooo!!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ annoyed ] ..and politically.. to bring this great state.. back into the high.. position of prominence that it-

[ Howard Stern interrupts with a belch, as Robin laughs ]

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ tries to continue ] ..The high position of-

Howard Stern: I don’t know what is wrong with my stomach!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ still trying ] ..The high position of prominence that we once

Robin Quivers: Well, what did you eat today?

Howard Stern: The same thing I eat every day: a broiled chicken breast – no skin – and a baked potato.

Robin Quivers: Oh, wow! Did you have any coffee?

Howard Stern: I don’t drink coffee!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing ] Well, then I don’t know!

Howard Stern: I don’t know, either!

Glenda Bach: Governor Cuomo, the time allotted for your opening remarks is up.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Well, Glenda, that’s not fair. I’ve been interrupted continuously by Mr. Stern from the very beginning – now, you know that!

Howard Stern: Ah, don’t be such a crybaby! Let me show you how it’s done! Hello, I’m Howard Stern, I’m the Libertarian candidate. I’m here to touch on three things! One: bring back the death penalty, so we can get rid of some of this human garbage that we got wandering around the streets! Uh, Two: do something about these freakin’ potholes I gotta drive over on my way to work! And Three, something I feel very, very strongly about: The new Strawberry-Kiwi Cocktail from Snapple! [ holds up a bottle ] Really. This stuff is so good, I-I-I can’t even describe how good it is! Here, take a slug, Mario! [ Cuomo holds his hand up in resistence ] Come on, taste it, it’s good, you’ll like it, it’s delicious, go ahead!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ takes a sip, seeming to find it refreshing ] It’s very good.

Howard Stern: Alright, so you’re not a complete jerk!

[ Robin laughs like a hyena ]

Glenda Bach: That completes our opening remarks. We will now take questions from the audience. [ looks to the sea of reporters ] You have a question.

[ an attractive female reporter stands ]

Reporter: Yes, I do. Phyllis Comfort, Newsday. What would you propose..

Howard Stern: [ excited ] Oh, man! You are hot! You got a hot little body on you, you know that? Turn around, let me see you from the back, honey!

Reporter: Actually, I’m here to ask a question.

Howard Stern: Well, if I get the right answer, will you take your top off? [ laughs ]

Reporter: The Teachers’ Pension has been frozen at its current rate since 1990. As governor, what action would you recommend in this matter?

Howard Stern: I, uh..

[ Howard’s producer, Gary Dell’Abate, steps up to Howard’s podium ]

Gary Dell’Abate: How-howard..?

Howard Stern: Yeah, what is it, Fafa Fooie?

Gary Dell’Abate: Howard.. the car’s here to take you to Hartford. Um.. you’re doing a funeral for the WXRM morning man you destroyed.

Howard Stern: Alright, alright, very good. Uh, thanks, everybody, for turning out, I gotta go! Listen, I got a couple of plugs, a couple of plugs here! Uh.. you can catch Jackie The Joke-Man at The Comedy Pouch, in Newark, this Friday and Saturday.. don’t forget to order my new video – 1-600-52-HOWARD.. and, uh.. oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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