New York Governor’s Debate
Glenda Bach…..Melanie Hutsell
Gov. Mario Cuomo…..Phil Hartman
Robin Quivers…..Ellen Cleghorne
Howard Stern…..Michael McKean
Voice of Stern Supporter #1…..Jay Mohr
Voice of Stern Supporter #2…..Chris Farley
Gary Dell’Abate…..Adam Sandler
Announcer: Live from the Empire State Civic Center in Albany: the 1994 New York Gubernatorial Debate. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. Here is this eveing’s moderator, Chapter President Glenda Bach.
Glenda Bach: Thank you. We have with us, tonight, the two major candidates for the office of Governor. It is my great pleasure to introduce the Incumbent: Gov. Mario Cuomo.
Glenda Bach: And now, the Libertarian candidate, making his first run for public office..[ Robin Quivers suddenly appears over Glenda’s shoulder ]
Robin Quivers: That’s alright, I’ll take it from here. Hi, I’m Robin Quivers! Ladies and gentlemen, the King of All Media, Creator of Fart-Man, and the next governor of New York – Howard Stern![ Howard Stern enters the arena, holding out his arms to receive the riotous applause from his loyal fans and supporters, then steps behind his podium ]
Howard Stern: Alright, very good! Thank you, Robin! Thank you all for turning up – nice turnout![ Mario Cuomo sighs ]
Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern..
Howard Stern: Yeah, it’s Howard, honey – what is it?
Glenda Bach: It’s customary to begin with the opening remarks from the Imcumbent.
Howard Stern: For him? Yeah, alright. JUst, uh.. just make it snappy, huh? I’m a busy man![ Robin laughs sycophantly at Howard’s comments ]
Glenda Bach: Fine. Governor Cuomo?
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Brenda. My decision.. to run a third time as Governor of the state of New York.. was prompted by my convictions-[ Howard Stern begins to laugh rudely at Cuomo’s use of the word “convictions” in a sentence; Robin joins in laughing along with Howard ]
Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, I’ll have to ask you to wait your turn?
Howard Stern: Yeah, I know, but, listen – I heard him talking about “convictions”, I gotta laugh! I mean, if the guy had any convictions, ah.. you know, he’d be putting murderers in the gas chamber! Where they belong![ Robin can’t help but to laugh, as though on command ]
Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern!
Howard Stern: Just stuff them all in there at once, make their parents watch!
Robin Quivers: [ laughing like crazy ] Oh, Howard..!
Howard Stern: Come on, it’s all in my book!
Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, please! This is the Governor’s time!
Howard Stern: Alright, don’t get your panties in a bunch! Let’s let him talk.
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you. ..The conviction.. that our work is only half-done.. Now, we’ve made great strides economically.. socially..
Voice of Stern Supporter #1: We love you, Howard!!!
Voice of Stern Supporter #2: Stern rules!!! Woooooo!!
Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ annoyed ] ..and politically.. to bring this great state.. back into the high.. position of prominence that it-[ Howard Stern interrupts with a belch, as Robin laughs ]
Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ tries to continue ] ..The high position of-
Howard Stern: I don’t know what is wrong with my stomach!
Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ still trying ] ..The high position of prominence that we once–
Robin Quivers: Well, what did you eat today?
Howard Stern: The same thing I eat every day: a broiled chicken breast – no skin – and a baked potato.
Robin Quivers: Oh, wow! Did you have any coffee?
Howard Stern: I don’t drink coffee!
Robin Quivers: [ laughing ] Well, then I don’t know!
Howard Stern: I don’t know, either!
Glenda Bach: Governor Cuomo, the time allotted for your opening remarks is up.
Gov. Mario Cuomo: Well, Glenda, that’s not fair. I’ve been interrupted continuously by Mr. Stern from the very beginning – now, you know that!
Howard Stern: Ah, don’t be such a crybaby! Let me show you how it’s done! Hello, I’m Howard Stern, I’m the Libertarian candidate. I’m here to touch on three things! One: bring back the death penalty, so we can get rid of some of this human garbage that we got wandering around the streets! Uh, Two: do something about these freakin’ potholes I gotta drive over on my way to work! And Three, something I feel very, very strongly about: The new Strawberry-Kiwi Cocktail from Snapple! [ holds up a bottle ] Really. This stuff is so good, I-I-I can’t even describe how good it is! Here, take a slug, Mario! [ Cuomo holds his hand up in resistence ] Come on, taste it, it’s good, you’ll like it, it’s delicious, go ahead!
Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ takes a sip, seeming to find it refreshing ] It’s very good.
Howard Stern: Alright, so you’re not a complete jerk![ Robin laughs like a hyena ]
Glenda Bach: That completes our opening remarks. We will now take questions from the audience. [ looks to the sea of reporters ] You have a question.[ an attractive female reporter stands ]
Reporter: Yes, I do. Phyllis Comfort, Newsday. What would you propose..
Howard Stern: [ excited ] Oh, man! You are hot! You got a hot little body on you, you know that? Turn around, let me see you from the back, honey!
Reporter: Actually, I’m here to ask a question.
Howard Stern: Well, if I get the right answer, will you take your top off? [ laughs ]
Reporter: The Teachers’ Pension has been frozen at its current rate since 1990. As governor, what action would you recommend in this matter?
Howard Stern: I, uh..[ Howard’s producer, Gary Dell’Abate, steps up to Howard’s podium ]
Gary Dell’Abate: How-howard..?
Howard Stern: Yeah, what is it, Fafa Fooie?
Gary Dell’Abate: Howard.. the car’s here to take you to Hartford. Um.. you’re doing a funeral for the WXRM morning man you destroyed.
Howard Stern: Alright, alright, very good. Uh, thanks, everybody, for turning out, I gotta go! Listen, I got a couple of plugs, a couple of plugs here! Uh.. you can catch Jackie The Joke-Man at The Comedy Pouch, in Newark, this Friday and Saturday.. don’t forget to order my new video – 1-600-52-HOWARD.. and, uh.. oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“