John Goodman’s Monologue
John Goodman: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the fifth time! Now, as you know, tomorrow’s Mother’s Day. So, if you don’t mind.. I’d like to deliver a special message to my mother.
Mom? Growing up, you always taught me that honesty was the best policy. So now, for Mother’s Day, I’ve decided to give you the gift of truth.
Do you remember that blue vase with the hand-painted buttercups on it? Aaannndd you never figured out what happened to it? Well, I was playing Catch in the house, and I broke it. Phew! Okay, that wasn’t so bad! Let’s keep going!
Mom? You know how, in second grade, when I told you I lost my report card? Well, I threw it out because I failed Spelling.
And.. do you remember the time you left me in the parking lot, locked in the car with the windows all rolled up? I’m the one who broke the side window. It was just so hot in there. I couldn’t breathe! Also, I changed all the stations on the radio.
Oh! And you know that tiem you made me go to school for a week wearing a dress, because you’d wished you’d had a girl? Well, I have to confess, I only wore it for the first two days. The other days, I changed at a gas station. Not into pants or anything, but another dress; one that was more flattering.
And, Mom? Remember how you kept Grandma locked in the basement, because she was.. bad? Well, I used to sneak her food. I’m sorry.
And, one last thing. That time you took me for that long drive in the middle of the night, then.. dumped me on the side of the highway, and.. as you drove away, you screamed, “See ya, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” Well, the truth is, I didn’t walk home; I hitched. And I know you told me never to hitch. Sorry.
Phew! Well, there you go, Mom! I hope you have it in that great big heart of yours to firgive me. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom, I love you.
Now, it’s gonna be a great show! The Pretenders are here, and we’ll be right back!