Ninja Pep Talk


93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Ninja Pep Talk

Ninja Mike…..Mike Myers
Ninja Rob…..Rob Schneider
Ninja Dave…..David Spade
Ninja Leader…..John Goodman
Elder Ninja…..Phil Hartman
Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast…..Michael McKean
Ninja Steve…..Tim Meadows
Punctured Ninja…..Adam Sandler
Nervous Ninja…..Chris Farley

[ open on stock footage of ninjas getting their asses kicked out on the streets] [ dissolve to the beaten ninjas limping into their hideout, trying to figure out what went wrong ]

Ninja Mike: Ow..! That.. was humiliating!

Ninja Rob: Hey – thanks for backing me up out there!

Ninja Mike: Excuse me – but what am I supposed to do when this guy’s falling down on top of me!

Ninja Dave: Like that was my idea! That guy picked me up and threw me! I think I jammed my thumb..

Ninja Rob: [ mocking ] Oh.. I think I jammed my thumb..!

[ Ninja Leader quiets the rowdy group down ]

Ninja Leader: Okay, guys, pointing fingers won’t solve anything. Now, if we want to get out of this rut.. we have to learn from these little disasters. Now, before the fight, how did we all agree we should attack the guy?

Group: All together!

Ninja Leader: And how did we attack?

Group: One at a time..

Ninja Leader: That’s right. Now, what else went wrong?

Elder Ninja: Uh.. something I know I do all the time – when the guy’s back is turned, I try to sneak up behind him.

Ninja Rob: What’s wrong with that? That makes sense!

Elder Ninja: Well.. nine times out of ten, when I’m right behind him, he gives me one of these – whack!

[ the group groans in agreement ]

Nervous Ninja: Another thing that never seems to work is.. yelling when you run up to him.

Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast: Even a really fierce yell? [ screams primally ]

Ninja Leader: Does not work. Just lets ’em know yo’re coming.

Ninja Rob: I stopped yelling years ago. Steve? I’ve got a pointer for you: when I’m running at the guy, at full speed, don’t you run from the opposite direction. He’s just gonna step aside, and we’re gonna run into each other and bump heads! Again!

Ninja Steve: I hear that!

Ninja Leader: That must have happened five or six times today. And the thing you may not realize, Steve, is that after you’re unconcious, he’s picking you up and using you as a club to hit the rest of us!

Ninja Steve: [ fascinated ] Really?!

Ninja Leader: Oh, yeah! And you nearly broke my jaw with the back of that head of yours! [ chuckles ] Anyway, let’s put tonight behind us.. and focus on the future. Any new ideas?

Elder Ninja: Well, you know, I’ve been thinking that maybe these uniforms aren’t helping us, you know? There’s no way to surprise a guy in these things, they just scream ninja!

Ninja Mike: Yeah, yeah! What if we wore something more nondescript, like, uhh.. mailman outfits!

Ninja Leader: [ shaking head ] I don’t know.. I-I think if a guy sees a dozen mailmen coming after him, he’s gonna know something’s up.

Ninja Rob: We could carry letters! And packages!

Ninja Mike: Uh, yeah – addressed to who?

Ninja Rob: It doesn’t matter! Occupant! Whatever!

[ the group breaks into a spirit of dissention ]

Ninja Leader: Okay.. okay.. okay..! Let’s not get bogged down! Any other ideas?

[ an excited ninja stands, holding a throwing star ]

Ninja Throwing Star Enthusiast: Well, I’ll tell you, I’m gonna say it again. I think we are really underestimating these throwing stars. You know, I had a couple of near hits tonight. I think if we made room in the budget to buy more throwing stars.. it’s really gonna help us out.

[ a ninja stands to reveal that he’s been stabbed repeatedly by misguided throwing stars ]

Punctured Ninja: Uh.. I think, uh.. before we get any more throwing stars, uh.. you should try to concentrate on accuracy.

Ninja Leader: Uh, you want some ice or something for that?

Punctured Ninja: No, thanks.. I’m trying not to, uh.. think about it..

[ a nervous ninja stands ]

Nervous Ninja: Well, I got an idea.. If, um.. what if.. we all wore, like, spikes on our stomachs.. so.. that.. when a guy goes to kick you.. he’ll, uh.. he’ll get, like, spikes in his foot!

Ninja Leader: [ thinking ] You know.. that’s the first really intelligent thing anyone’s said today! Now, does someone have a pen? We should write that down. [ no one in the group can find a pen ] Alright, never mind.. now, you know what we should do right now? Go out, as a group, find someone, and beat him up! It doesn’t have to be anyone special! Just.. the first guy we see down in the lobby! We’re really gonna pull it together, and beat him up as a team! It’ll be a real confidence builder! Now, are you with me?!

Nervous Ninja: Let’s get on it!! Let’s do it this time!!

[ now psyched, the ninjas exit the hideout, ready for some action ] [ dissolve to stock footage of the ninjas exiting an elevator, and attacking the first person they see. One by one, this stranger attacks and beats up every member of the ninja team. ]

Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “The plucky ninjas never gave up. Over the years, they fought many more battles, never actually winning but often coming very close. Perhaps most important, the lessons they learned, and the friendships they formed as ninjas, lasted the rest of their lives.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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