“Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”

93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

“Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”

Terry Gamble…..John Goodman
State Trooper Glenn McRae…..Michael McKean
Gov. Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Dispatcher’s Voice…..Ellen Cleghorne
State Trooper Warren Christopher…..Rob Schneider
Officer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Officer #2…..Jay Mohr
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks

Announcer: Tonight, ride with the state troopers of Arkansas on.. “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”.

[ dissolve to Terry Gamble standing in the center of police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Welcome to “Real Stories of the Arkansas Highway Patrol”. I’m Terry Gamble. As always, the events you see tonight are as they actually happened, videotaped in the field. In our first segment, we follow Arkansas State Trooper Glenn MacRae, as he pulls over a 1988 Mustang. At the wheel – a 25-year old co-ed from the University of Arkansas, with an okay face but a killer body.

[ dissolve to the scene ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Good evening, ma’am!

Female Motorist: Hello, Officer.

State Trooper Glenn McRae: May I see your license and registraton, please? [ Woman hands over the items; McRae looks at them with much disappointment ] Do you have a picture of yourself wearing a swimsuit or an exerise leotard?

Female Motorist: No.. I don’t think so..

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Step out of the car, please! [ Woman steps out of her car ] Ma’am, I’m gonna ask you to walk up and down alongside the vehicle several times. Please, right now. [ Woman walks up and down alongside her car ] Alright, that’s fine. Please arch your back! [ Woman arches her back stiffly ] That’s better. [ holds up pencil ‘Alright, ma’am, I’m gonna drop this pencil on the ground. Facing away from the patrol car behind us, I would like you to, uh.. bend over at the waist and pick it up. Do you understand?

Female Motorist: Yes.

[ Woman bends over to pick up pencil; McRae turns to face his patrol car, as the camera zooms in to finally receive Governor Clinton sitting in the back seat, thumbs up, with a huge, mischievious grin on his face ]

State Trooper Glenn McRae: Alright, ma’am, everything seems to check out fine. Would you be interested in going back to the patrol car, and performing a sex act on the governor?

Female Motorist: Uh.. sure! I guess so!

[ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Glenn McRae, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Glenn MacRae was awarded a Citation for Valour, from the Governor of Arkansas himself. To this day, no other state trooper has received so high an honor.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Terry Gamble: Every trooper who’s served on the Arkansas Highway Patrol dreads that certain phone, usually coming late at night. It’s probably the hardest and most gut-wrenching part of his job. In our final segment, a state trooper gets that call.

[ dissolve to the scene, state trooper in his patrol car ]

Dispatcher’s Voice: I’ve got Mrs. Clinton on the line. I’m gonna patch you through.

[ phone rings ]

State Trooper Warren Christopher: [ picks up ] Hello..? Yes, ma’am..! He’s not at the mansion? [ Clinton’s worried head rises away from the sexual act he’s performing in the back seat ] You’re sure..? Well, then, I’ll bet you anything he’s working late.. at the office.. Well, you know, those phones are so screwed up there.. You’ll call, and it’ll ring, and ring, and you’ll think there’s nobody there.. when, in fact, they are there.. working..! Because they-they can’t hear the-the phone.. ringing.. Yeah, but they, uh.. they can’t hear it.. ringing. Can you excuse me for one second..? [ whispering to the governor ] She’s not buying it! [ Clinton shrugs ] Anyway.. I’m sure that’s where he is.. at the office.. Oh, you’re at the office? [ pulls out his gun and fires it to feign injury ] Ow! Ow, I’ve been shot! Mrs. Clinton, I’ve been shot! Ow!

[ Clinton gives state trooper the thumbs-up for a job well done ] [ dissolve to still photo of State Trooper Warren Christopher, with SUPER over photo ]

Announcer: Trooper Warren Christopher left the Highway Patrol in 1993. He is now Secretary of State.

[ dissolve back to Terry Gamble at the police precinct ]

Announcer: That’s all for tonight’s edition of “Real Stories Of The Arkansas Highway Patrol”. Let’s see what’s coming up later tonight, on “COPS”.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight: “COPS” takes you to the streets of Little Rock, Arkansas.

[ dissolve to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Officer #1: 10-4. Right now, we got a domestic disturbance call. This is about the third call we’ve had this month at the same address. We gotta check ’em all out.

[ two officers approach the back door of Governor’s Mansion ]

Officer #1: [ knocks on door ] Governor Clinton? We got some complaints about a domestic disturbance?

Bill Clinton: There’s nothing wrong! Beat it!

Officer #1: You can open up the door now or not, sir, but we’re coming in.

[ door is opened ]

Officer #1: [ sighs ] Alright, sir, you wanna tell us what happened here?

Bill Clinton: Nothing.

Officer #1: Nothing! It doesn’t look like nothing to me! She beat you up pretty good, didn’t she?

Bill Clinton: No one beat me up.

Officer #1: No one beat you up, huh? Hmm. Then, what happened, then?

Bill Clinton: [ hesitant ] Fell down.

Officer #1: You fell down? Well, that’s not what it sounded like to the neighbors. They said they heard quite a brawl going on oer here!

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? You don’t know. Where’s your wife, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know much, do you, sir?

Bill Clinton: I don’t know..

[ Second Officer puts his ear against closet door ]

Officer #2: Bobby, it sounds like there’s somebody in here..

Bill Clinton: [ defensive ] Nobody’s in there! That’s just a closet!

Officer #2: [ knocking on closet door ] Mrs. Clinton, could you come out here, please?

[ the sound of a pot hitting the floor ]

Officer #2: Mrs. Clinton, we know you’re in there!

[ the closet door slowly opens, as a mussed Hillary Clinton teeters out, clutching a bottle of whiskey ]

Officer #1: Well, ma’am! you did quite a number on him, didn’t you?

Hillary Clinton: I guess so.

Officer #1: You guess so? Huh! I guess so, too! You been drinking tonight, ma’am?

Hillary Clinton: A l’il bit.

Officer #1: Now, ma’am, when’s this gonna stop? [ Hillary looks away ] Look at me! Look at me when I’m talking to you, don’t look away! When’s this gonna stop?

Hillary Clinton: I don’t know.

Officer #1: You don’t know? Well, I’ll tell you something – this is the fifth or sixth time we’ve come down here this month, and we’re getting a ltitle tired of it. [ turns to Bill ] Do you wanna press charges for assault?

Bill Clinton: Nah, that’s okay..

Officer #1: Well, I can tell you, sir, you know.. unless you press charges, we can’t do nothing about it. Now.. she’s gonna keep on doing this. And, one of these days, sir, she’s gonna kill you.

Bill Clinton: [ smirks ] But.. she loves me.

Officer #1: Well, she sure do got a funny way of showing it!

Bill Clinton: I guess.

Officer #1: You guess.

[ dissolve back to Officer #1 driving patrol car ]

Boy, I tell ya – doing this job, you see things like that that just.. break your heart. That is so pitiful. That is just sad. Well.. there’s nothing we can do, I guess.

[ dissolve to “COPS” title card ]

Announcer: Tonight. On “COPS”.

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