Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..David Spade

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Well, Nelson Mandela was elected President of South Africa this week. Mr. Mandela broke a long-stading political pattern: he went to jail before becoming a politician.

[ show picture of Paula Jones ]And, in Washington this week, President Clinton desperately tried to get Whitewater back in the news.

After a medical examination following his caning, it was first thought that Michael Fay received an “extra” lash. But it just turned out to be his crack.

The U.S. House of Representatives narrowly passed a ban on assault weapons Thursday, after strong enough opposition was expressed by the National Rifle Association, as well as the United States Postal Workers Union.

And, in Europe, the 31-mile Chunnel opened up this week under the English Channel, connecting England and France. The tunnel houses a high-speed passenger train that experts estimate will allow some 7 million French people a year to get even farther away from EuroDisney.

For the grand opening, Queen Elizabeth and French President Mitterand got together and inaugurated the new Eurostar train. And, here in New York, a queen named Frenchie got drunk and urinated on the D Train.

Princess Diana threatened lawsuits this week against any British publication that prints topless photos of her taken on vacation in Spain last week. If published, it would be the first time in two years Prince Charles had seen her naked.

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a commentary, our new Music Correspondent David Spade. David?

David Spade: Aw, thank you! Thanks. People, there’s an epidemic going around the music industry that needs to be stopped. No, I’m not talking about chlamydia. But, good guess. No, I’m talking about spending hard-earned money to go see your favorite band in concert, and they have the nerve to not sing their biggest hits. It happens more often than you’d think, and I feel I must speak up.

For instance, six months ago I went to see Bob Segar. Now, after two-and-a-half hours, Mr. Segar walked off the stage without singing “Night Moves”. That was pure balls, ladies and gentlemen. It made me want to throw, like, a rock at, like, his head.

But it gets worse. I saw Men Without Hats. No “Safety Dance”. Pure balls. 100% nuts.

Even Barney doesn’t sing “I Love You, You Love Me” live. True story: I was in the mosh pit thinking, “Hmm.. if that’s not pure nads, I don’t know what is.”

On second thought, I do know what it is! When I was 22, I saw Big Country in concert, and, guess what? They didn’t even sing “Big Country”! Why else are you on the planet? It’s the name of your band, hard to forget! Huh? Yeah! What? Uh-huh!

Sometimes these old rockers – like The Stones or Rod Stewart – will throw you a medley crumb. I get five bars of “Brown Sugar” and “Tumblin’ Dice”, to make room for every song off the new album. By the way, when you’re at a show and the band says, “Here’s something from our new album, why don’t they just say, “Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom.”

And, any band that still includes a bass solo in their show – pure balls.

And, while we’re on the subject of testicles, remember when John Oates left Hall & Oates? This was the same kind of thinking that had Fisher Stevens break up with Michelle Pfeiffer so he could get prettier girls. By the way, I went to see Oates in concert. He opened up for the three-headed lobster boy at the circus. It was a good show. He did a “Maneater/Kiss On Your List” medley together, it wasn’t bad.

So, in closing, Kevin, in closing, I’m going to see Laura Branigan tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, and, uh.. I have some advice for her: open and close with “Gloria”. Do it a couple times in between, alright? Thank you very much!

Kevin Nealon: David Spade, ladies and gentlemen.

Some disappointing news: a recent study reveals that eating a medium-sized bag of theater popcorn is equivalent to eating six Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorn with butter flavoring is equivalent to eating eight Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorm topped with butter and six Big Macs, is like eating fourteeen Big Macs.

New medical studies report that skin cancer cases have doubled in the past twnety years. They cite excessive suntanning as the main cause, and say the best way to cut harmful ultraviolet rays is with a thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

In other medical news, for the first time in North America, testing will begin on the RU-486 morning-after pill for women. If successful, testing will begin on the RU-487 pill for men. The pill prevents the man from waking up the next morning, running out the door saying, “I’ll call you. Really!”

Well, this Sunday night’s “60 Minutes” will mark the 500th commentary by Andy Rooney. Rooney will celebrate by complaining about clips from the previous 499 shows.

May 27th will mark the final broadcast of “The Arsenio Hall Show”. Hall will devote his full time to other interests – including movies, recording, and getting some stanky on his hang-down.

The Kentucky Derby was run earlier today, and the winner was Go For Gin, at 9 to 1. The long shot Quinella, paid $20,000 for a $2 bet, and the only ticket holder was Hillary Clinton.

Well, the Rolling Stones announced a new tour this week. Fans will be able to recognize their tour bus as the one doing 40 in the fast lane with its blinker on.

In an annual poll of radio stations, Paul McCartney’s “Yesterday” is still the most played radio song of all time. Over 6 milion times since 1965. And, amazingly enough, the #2 song is “Play That Funky Music, White Boy”.

In our final story, in observance of Mother’s Day, for the second year in a row, an NCI survey has named Kathie Lee Gifford the Nation’s Best Mother. But, after 23 years, the Baddest Mother is still Shaft. Happy Mother’s Day, Shaft!

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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