Coffee Talk


Coffee Talk

Linda Richman…..Mike Myers
Lila Klein…..Heather Locklear

Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, dawters, dawgs you know no big whoop just Coffee Talk. With me today celebrating her 54th birthday is my dear friend and landlady is Lila Klein. Happy Birthday Lila.

Lila Klein: Some birthday. I’m going through menopause my zorch is on fire.

Linda Richman: Interesting story. Lila and I grew up without a posh a pitin and now look at her. She’s a big real estate mucky muck.

Lila Klein: What can I say? I married well, went to school for my P.H.D. and came out with my M.R.S.

Linda Richman: That is some ring.

Lila Klein: It’s a canbarely.

Linda Richman: What’s a canbarely?

Lila Klein: I can barely lift it.

Linda Richman: Start.

Lila Klein: By the way Linda you lost some weight. Ypu’re too skinny, kind of oyskedot. You look like that Calvin Klein model. What’s her name? Peat Moss?

Linda Richman: Kate Moss. And I wish. I would love to be anorexic for 3 months just until I reach my goalweight. Okay the big news is that Barbra Streisand opened in Washington, and guess who’s got a ticket for when she comes to New York?

Lila Klein: I’m dying. I’m dying.

Linda Richman: Don’t die. I don’t want to have to clean it up.

Lila Klein: Anyway how did you get it?

Linda Richman: My sister’s husband Sid went to the same bungalow colony in the Catskills with the nephew of the guys who’s neighbor is Barbra’s booking agent’s father. It was a piece of cake.

Lila Klein: I’d do anything to see Barbra on stage, but that’s okay. I’ll just sit here in the corner in the dark and eat wet cigarettes like a dawg.

Linda Richman: Lila, here is the other ticket. Happy Birthday.

Lila Klein: You didn’t. I have to call my dawter(walks off set)

Linda Richman: I understand call your dawter. She’s beautiful say hello. I can’t believe she left, but she’s going to call her dawter, and now I’m a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Morman Tabernackle Choir was neither Morman nor Tabernackle, nor a Choir Discuss! There I feel better. Okay let’s go to the phones the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk you know no big whoop. Hello?

Caller #1: Hello my name is Tina Weena. and I was willing to spend…

Linda Richman: Wait, your name is Tina Weena?

Caller #1: Yeah Tina Weena. I use it to my advantage.

Linda Richman: I knew someone who’s first name was Nancy and her last name was Schiance. Nancy and Schiance. Hand to god. What parents do to children. I’ts a shanda na happa fech pooh pooh pooh fuh la tappa de prechs Nisch kia fecs midla capesta dech a scounchea grabiyuhnk goya fuz mirsco cyanahea provitzu a poonum. I’m not finished! Ye canahafa ofa yompkins se yenvon shumpkha de hamenschef will do a mitzvah from a miyah a zurfa and EIA SCHIENGEL! Hello you’re on Coffee Talk.

Caller #2: Hi Linda, I wanted to see Barbra, but I wouldn’t pay $350. for a ticket.

Linda Richman: Excuse me let me ask you a question would you pay $1 a day to hear Barbra sing?

Caller #2: Of course.

Linda Richman: Well that comes to $365 leaving you to get a baby sitter and dinner. It’s a bargoon. To take your negative comments elsewhere you nasty pig! We have time for one last call. Hello?

Caller #3: Linda, what’s that show called taped from Jersey? Is it Tuesday Morning.

Linda Richman: No it’s Live from New York it’s SATURDAY NIGHT!

(scene fades as the show begins)

Thanks to Bob for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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