Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
[open on suburban home with title: “Aurora, Illinois”] [fade to interior, with Wayne Campbell watching television on couch] [“Melrose Place” theme song plays]
Wayne: All right, okay, man, “Melrose Place.” Bonus, man. I am totally, totally addicted to this show. It’s a babe-fest, man. Heather Lockler [growls], she’s the leader of the Bod Squad, man. Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda. [yawns] She’s the woman of my dreams. [lies down on couch] Of my dreams. Of my…diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum…[waves his fingers in front of his face to indicate the start of a dream sequence] [distorted dissolve to Wayne yelling as he falls against a hypno-swirl with changing colors] [distorted dissolve to Wayne waking up in a bed, still waving his fingers in front of his face]
Wayne: Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum. Oh, where am I? What the… [shot widens and he sees a blond head next to him] Oh, thank God, Garth. Garth! Wake up, come on man, it’s me, Wayne, wake up, come on Garth.
Amanda: [pulls covers off her head] Good morning, Wayne.
Wayne: [makes cartoonish sound of surprise] Schwing! [raises pelvis off bed] I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [makes fawning arm gesture]
Amanda: Cut the crap, tiger. Last night was okay, but don’t let it get to your head, Wayne. I’m an important advertising executive with an agency to run. And I have to get to work. [gets out of bed to reveal that she is already dressed in a mustard colored business suit] You better go before my boyfriend, Jake, finds you. [opens door]
Wayne: Jake? Jake? [walks out of door and into “Melrose Place” courtyard] I’m in “Melrose Place!” Cool, all right. The number one show for young adults, ages eighteen to thirty four. A tough little demographic to crack. Excellent, excellent, all right.
Jake: [coming down stairs] What are you doing in Amanda’s apartment?
Wayne: Hi Jake. Jake, I’m, ah, I’m the new handyman.
Jake: What do you mean?
Wayne: You know, I’m unclogging her pipes.
Jake: What are you getting at?
Wayne: I’ve been having sexual intercourse with Amanda, repeatedly in different positions for many, many hours.
Jake: What are you trying to say?
Wayne: That you’re a complete idiot.
Jake: Look, Amanda would never sleep with anyone except me.
Wayne: Sha, right. Okay. Hey, Chet, I watch the show all the time, you know, I mean, here’s a quarter, buy a clue. [flips a quarter to Jake, which Jake catches] All right, here you go. Yeah right.[Jake exits stage right]
Amanda: [comes through door, now wearing a grey business suit] So, Wayne, I see you’ve met Jake. Oh, damn, I forgot my car keys. I’ll be right back. [goes back into apartment]
Wayne: Okay, hurry up though, eh? Wow, what a nice place. I wonder how much they pay in rent and stuff. Hey! [approaches Jo in the courtyard] It’s Jo, the hardened New York photographer who has seen it all.
Jo: Wayne, you’re new around here, so I’ll save you some heartache. I’m from New York, so I know how tough life can be. Amanda’s no good. She’s a mean, conniving bitch who will chew you up and spit you out. Stay away from her, Wayne.
Wayne: Okay, well, let me just say that I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate your concern, all right? Your thoughts are very well organized, presented clearly and concisely. But bear with me. Are you mental? It’s Heather Locklear! She’d give a dog a bone! Hello?
Jo: This would never happen in New York. [exits stage right] [shot widens to show Billy and Allison sitting at a table]
Wayne: Oh! All right. Look who it is, man. It’s Billy and Allison, America’s most uninteresting couple.
Billy: Allison, I love you. When you’re not here, I miss you.
Allison: Billy, I love you. But I’m in advertising, and I have to go to work to the advertising agency. [stands and exits stage right]
Billy: Allison, come back. I miss you.
Wayne: Hold on, hold on. [sits down next to Billy] [fake sneezes] Ah-ah-ah-whipped! Ah-ah-ah-no-balls! Sorry, man, I seem to be allergic to emasculation. Oh, and by the way, Billy, close your mouth. You’re catching flies there, chief. [puts his hand under Billy’s chin and closes his mouth for him]
Billy: I better go after Allison. I miss her. [stands and exits stage right]
Wayne: All right. All right. Okay.[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a canary yellow business suit]
Wayne: Hey, um, did you just change outfits?
Amanda: Listen, you bastard. I have a very important meeting down at D&D. But maybe we can get away this weekend. Oh, damn! I forgot my portfolio that contains advertising documents. Which I need, because I’m a very important advertising executive. [goes back into apartment]
Wayne: Okay. Hurry back, all right? [hears somebody crying and follows the sound to find Jane sitting in a lounge chair, weeping into a magazine] What’s wrong, Jane?
Jane: I have the worst part on the show.
Wayne: Well, yeah. Next to Matt, the token gay guy.
Matt: [enters stage left] That’s me! Gotta go. [exits stage right]
Wayne: Okay. [waves]
Sydney: [enters stage left] Oh, boo-hoo, Jane, poor baby.
Michael: [enters stage right] Shut up, Sydney! Hey lighten up, Janie.
Wayne: Hey, it’s Michael, the no-good doctor, and Sydney, the psycho hose-beast. She may be a babe, but it’s major vagina dentata action. And I’m not talking about The Police’s unreleased fourth album.
Jane: Stay away from her, Wayne.
Sydney: Shut up. You’re my sister, not my mother. [attacks Jane]
Wayne: All right, catfight. Go at it, man! Excellent! Saucer of milk, table two. Ding-ding-ding! Rawr! All right, tear each other’s clothes off! Come on, tear it off! [to Michael] So, let me get this straight, man. You’re, like, this doctor, right? Who is married to this blonde, who had an affair with a redhead–the blonde’s sister–plus it was Hump Olympics with some chick down at the hospital?
Michael: That’s right, Wayne.
Wayne: Good work, my friend. This is cool.
Wayne: Hey, Amanda, weren’t you just wearing a different color?
Amanda: Listen, Wayne, I’m getting a little fed up with you, you bastard. You can’t just come waltzing into “Melrose Place” and take over my life, you bastard. I am an executive. An advertising executive. I have a job. A very important job. An advertising job, you bastard.
Wayne: Okay, but let me just say–
Amanda: Shut up, Wayne! [throws Wayne down on the table and kisses him]
Wayne: Excellent. All right. Okay.
Amanda: [waves her fingers in front of Wayne’s face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum.
Wayne: What? No, no-no! No diddly-dum! Amanda, I want to stay in “Melrose Place!” Come on, I’m not ready to go! Come on, no diddly-dum![dissolve to Wayne waking up on the couch]
Wayne: [waving his fingers in front of his face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum… I guess it was all a dream. [peeks under his blanket] Or was it? [flings off the blanket to reveal that he is wearing the salmon business suit] Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! [fade to black]
Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!