Heather Locklear’s Monologue
…..Heather Locklear
…..Phil Hartman
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Jay Leno
…..Chris Farley
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler
Heather Locklear: Well, this is an honor to be hosting the last show of the season, and it’s great to be here, away from the fairy tale world of “Melrose Place.”
[ Phil Hartman appears in the shadows offstage ]
Phil Hartman: Heather.
Heather Locklear: [ deterred ] What is it, Phil?
Phil Hartman: May I talk to you for a moment.
Heather Locklear: Sure! [ to the audience ] Excuse me a second. [ steps offstage ] This better be good, Phil!
Phil Hartman: Heather, I missed you last night. I thought you were coming over?
Heather Locklear: Well, you thought wrong.
Phil Hartman: [ outraged ] You were with Nealon, weren’t you!
Heather Locklear: [ annoyed ] How dare you! And what if I was? It’s none of your business! Excuse me! [ walks away ]
[ Kevin Nealon appears in the shadows on the other side of the stage ]
Kevin Nealon: Heather. Over here.
Heather Locklear: [ hugs Kevin ] Kevin, thank God!
Kevin Nealon: What’s wrong?
Heather Locklear: Just hold me, please hold me! [ curls up in Kevin’s arms ] It’s Phil. He knows everything about us!
Kevin Nealon: [ alarmed ] How?!
Heather Locklear: You tell me.
Kevin Nealon: [ sighs ] I’m gonna kill him! Right after “Update”, I’m gonna kill him!
Heather Locklear: Oh, just be careful.
Kevin Nealon: Oh, I will. [ walks away ]
[ Melanie Hutsell enters ]
Melanie Hutsell: Heather! Come here! Oh, I’m so glad I saw you!
Heather Locklear: Oh, well! Melanie, you were just terrific on rehearsals today!
Melanie Hutsell: [ touched ] Really? Oh, that means a lot to me!
Heather Locklear: [ laughs, then slaps Melanie’s face ] Don’t let it happen again!
Melanie Hutsell: [ surprised ] What!
Heather Locklear: You heard me! This is my show, just stay out of my way!
Melanie Hutsell: But, Heather, I thought that we were –
Heather Locklear: Don’t cross me, Melanie! Because when I’m done with you, all you’ll be left with is that proverbial wish – that you’d never been born! [ storms away ]
Melanie Hutsell: Oh, I hate her! I hate her! I HATE HER!! And, you know? Somebody needs to take care of that bitch!
[ Heather enters a backstage area, where she is stopped by Jay Leno ]
Jay Leno: Heather!
Heather Locklear: [ disgusted ] Not here, you idiot! How dare you! I thought I told you never to talk to me in public! Someone could have seen us!
Jay Leno: I’m sorry, but I thought you might want to see.. [ whips out manila envelope ] ..these!
Heather Locklear: Well, I don’t get it. What are these?
Jay Leno: Funny headlines! From newspapers from all over the country!
Heather Locklear: [ opens up envelope and laughs ] This is great! [ reads ] “Dead Man Drives Car”? I don’t believe that!
Jay Leno: It’s real, I swear! This are real, actual headlines!
Heather Locklear: If you are lying about this, Jay, I will destroy you and “The Tonight Show”! [ throws envelope at Jay and storms away ]
Jay Leno: [ shaken ] Fair enough..
[ Heather continues to walk backstage, where she runs into Chris Farley ]
Heather Locklear: Hello, Chris! Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes, lover!
Chris Farley: [ turns around dramatically ] I told you! I have nothing left to say to you!
Heather Locklear: Look, Chris. I know we’ve had our troubles –
Chris Farley: Your trouble, Heather! And I don’t want anything to do with you!
Heather Locklear: Chris.. I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but.. I’m pregnant.
Chris Farley: Is it even mine?
Heather Locklear: I saw the ultrasound, Chris. Trust me – it’s yours.
Chris Farley: Well, Heather, I don’t care any more!
Heather Locklear: Come back here! Don’t you turn your back on me! Don’t you dare turn your back on me!
Chris Farley: Shut.. up.. Heather! And go do your monologue! [ exits ]
Heather Locklear: Oh, I’ll do the monologue, Chris! And then I’ll finish you, and Leno, and all the rest of them! [ walks forward and pauses in front of Canteen Boy ] Isn’t that right, Canteen Boy?
Canteen Boy: [ meekly ] Uh.. yeah, Heather.. whatever floats your boat..
Heather Locklear: [ kisses Canteen boy on the lips, then exits ]
[ Melanie and Phil step forward again ]
Melanie Hutsell: Gosh, she’s really sad!
Phil Hartman: Yeah.. it’s a sickness!
Canteen Boy: I think you’re sick.
Phil Hartman: What?!
Canteen Boy: Nothing.
[ cut back to Heather on Home Base ]
Heather Locklear: Sorry about that! It took a little longer than I thought. Anyway, I have had a fantastic week, everyone here has been so terrific, it’s been great destroying them! Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Janet Jackson is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!