Heather Locklear’s Monologue


Heather Locklear’s Monologue

…..Heather Locklear
…..Phil Hartman
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Jay Leno
…..Chris Farley
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler


Heather Locklear: Well, this is an honor to be hosting the last show of the season, and it’s great to be here, away from the fairy tale world of “Melrose Place.”

[ Phil Hartman appears in the shadows offstage ]

Phil Hartman: Heather.

Heather Locklear: [ deterred ] What is it, Phil?

Phil Hartman: May I talk to you for a moment.

Heather Locklear: Sure! [ to the audience ] Excuse me a second. [ steps offstage ] This better be good, Phil!

Phil Hartman: Heather, I missed you last night. I thought you were coming over?

Heather Locklear: Well, you thought wrong.

Phil Hartman: [ outraged ] You were with Nealon, weren’t you!

Heather Locklear: [ annoyed ] How dare you! And what if I was? It’s none of your business! Excuse me! [ walks away ] [ Kevin Nealon appears in the shadows on the other side of the stage ]

Kevin Nealon: Heather. Over here.

Heather Locklear: [ hugs Kevin ] Kevin, thank God!

Kevin Nealon: What’s wrong?

Heather Locklear: Just hold me, please hold me! [ curls up in Kevin’s arms ] It’s Phil. He knows everything about us!

Kevin Nealon: [ alarmed ] How?!

Heather Locklear: You tell me.

Kevin Nealon: [ sighs ] I’m gonna kill him! Right after “Update”, I’m gonna kill him!

Heather Locklear: Oh, just be careful.

Kevin Nealon: Oh, I will. [ walks away ] [ Melanie Hutsell enters ]

Melanie Hutsell: Heather! Come here! Oh, I’m so glad I saw you!

Heather Locklear: Oh, well! Melanie, you were just terrific on rehearsals today!

Melanie Hutsell: [ touched ] Really? Oh, that means a lot to me!

Heather Locklear: [ laughs, then slaps Melanie’s face ] Don’t let it happen again!

Melanie Hutsell: [ surprised ] What!

Heather Locklear: You heard me! This is my show, just stay out of my way!

Melanie Hutsell: But, Heather, I thought that we were –

Heather Locklear: Don’t cross me, Melanie! Because when I’m done with you, all you’ll be left with is that proverbial wish – that you’d never been born! [ storms away ]

Melanie Hutsell: Oh, I hate her! I hate her! I HATE HER!! And, you know? Somebody needs to take care of that bitch!

[ Heather enters a backstage area, where she is stopped by Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: Heather!

Heather Locklear: [ disgusted ] Not here, you idiot! How dare you! I thought I told you never to talk to me in public! Someone could have seen us!

Jay Leno: I’m sorry, but I thought you might want to see.. [ whips out manila envelope ] ..these!

Heather Locklear: Well, I don’t get it. What are these?

Jay Leno: Funny headlines! From newspapers from all over the country!

Heather Locklear: [ opens up envelope and laughs ] This is great! [ reads ] “Dead Man Drives Car”? I don’t believe that!

Jay Leno: It’s real, I swear! This are real, actual headlines!

Heather Locklear: If you are lying about this, Jay, I will destroy you and “The Tonight Show”! [ throws envelope at Jay and storms away ]

Jay Leno: [ shaken ] Fair enough..

[ Heather continues to walk backstage, where she runs into Chris Farley ]

Heather Locklear: Hello, Chris! Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes, lover!

Chris Farley: [ turns around dramatically ] I told you! I have nothing left to say to you!

Heather Locklear: Look, Chris. I know we’ve had our troubles –

Chris Farley: Your trouble, Heather! And I don’t want anything to do with you!

Heather Locklear: Chris.. I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but.. I’m pregnant.

Chris Farley: Is it even mine?

Heather Locklear: I saw the ultrasound, Chris. Trust me – it’s yours.

Chris Farley: Well, Heather, I don’t care any more!

Heather Locklear: Come back here! Don’t you turn your back on me! Don’t you dare turn your back on me!

Chris Farley: Shut.. up.. Heather! And go do your monologue! [ exits ]

Heather Locklear: Oh, I’ll do the monologue, Chris! And then I’ll finish you, and Leno, and all the rest of them! [ walks forward and pauses in front of Canteen Boy ] Isn’t that right, Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: [ meekly ] Uh.. yeah, Heather.. whatever floats your boat..

Heather Locklear: [ kisses Canteen boy on the lips, then exits ] [ Melanie and Phil step forward again ]

Melanie Hutsell: Gosh, she’s really sad!

Phil Hartman: Yeah.. it’s a sickness!

Canteen Boy: I think you’re sick.

Phil Hartman: What?!

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

[ cut back to Heather on Home Base ]

Heather Locklear: Sorry about that! It took a little longer than I thought. Anyway, I have had a fantastic week, everyone here has been so terrific, it’s been great destroying them! Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Janet Jackson is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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