Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

… Kevin Nealon
… Norm MacDonald
… Adam Sandler
Captain Jim … Tim Meadows


[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with KevinNealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheersand applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin gets comfortable inhis seat as his image continues to rotate on thescreen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevinat the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m KevinNealon.

Convicted serial killer John Wayne Gacy was executedthis week. Afterwards, he and thirty-two other deadclowns were all piled into a tiny little hearse….

Well, yesterday, President Clinton nominated CircuitAppeals Court Judge Stephen Breyer to the U.S. SupremeCourt. Asked about his plans after being passed over,a disappointed Bruce Babbitt said he’ll immediatelystop paying his servants Social Security benefits….

A publicist says exclusive pictures of Michael Fay’scaned buttocks could be worth half a million dollars…. Half a million dollars. Man, this kid is sittingon a gold mine. … Yeah.

In medical news, it’s been reported that a cardiacarrest victim was recently revived with the aid of acommon toilet plunger. So, apparently, Bill Clinton’shealth care plan CAN work. …

In other medical news, scientists have discovered thata man can be frozen in a state of suspended animationfor up to five years without losing his job at thepost office. … [some applause]

Kevin Nealon: Well, Whitewater continues todominate the headlines and is the subject of tonight’sHomophobic Perspective. Here is Update correspondentand homophobic guy, Norm Macdonald. Norm? [cheers andapplause for a clean-cut Norm in a brown suit andtie]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you.Uh, first of all, let me say I have nothing againsthomosexuals. I think homosexuals are no better orworse than any of the rest of us. I just happen to beafraid of them. It’s no big deal.

Now, I’m here to talk tonight about this so-calledWhitewater scandal. Unless you’ve been living in acave for the past year, I’m sure you’re familiar withevery tedious and confusing detail. Does the mediareally believe that the American people CARE aboutsome land deal that took place over fifteen years–?Hey, Kevin, could you give me a little roomhere?

Kevin Nealon: What?

Norm Macdonald: I’m tryin’ to do thisWhitewater thing, you know, you’re kindaclose.

Kevin Nealon: You’re sitting exactly where allthe Update correspondents sit, Norm.

Norm Macdonald: Oh, is that right, huh? Well,that works out good for you then, doesn’t it? …Wonder who came up with THAT policy, huh? [continues]Anyways, my point is that I think it’s about time themedia began giving the same kind of coverage to issueslike health care that– [suddenly, to Kevin] Did youjust move closer to me?!

Kevin Nealon: What? No. I’m–

Norm Macdonald: It looks like you’recloser!

Kevin Nealon: No, Norm. I’m in precisely thesame place. Now, just get on with youreditorial.

Norm Macdonald: Hey, maybe we should just sharea chair. Is that better for you? We could sit in thesame chair? Maybe that’d be best. Save on chairs! Thatcould be your new policy! … Man. [continues]Anyways, the media, I have always felt, should notshape public sentiment but, rather, reflect it. And Ithink that, in the case of Whitewater, the public issaying loudly and clear– [suddenly, to Kevin] Can Ihelp you?!

Kevin Nealon: What? …

Norm Macdonald: Is there something I can helpyou with?

Kevin Nealon: No. Look, Norm, okay, I’ve hadabout enough of this, all right? So why don’t you justdo me a favor and finish your editorial?Please.

Norm Macdonald: All right, hey, maybe you coulddo me a favor, too. How would that be? Maybe youcould, uh, gaze lovingly into somebody else’s eyes forfive seconds? Would that be all right? … [continues]Anyways, the, uh, media has always served an importantrole in this society and that has been the role ofwatchdog. But who, I ask you, who is watchingthe watchdog? I mean, we – we all know who’s watchin’my crotch, right? It’s … buddy boy over here. [jerksa thumb at Kevin] But, uh … No president has everundergone the intense scrutiny that Bill Clinton has.I wonder how well any of us would fare if our liveswere placed under the magnifying glass– [suddenly, toKevin] I thought you were married orsomething!

Kevin Nealon: I am married! But, look,Norm, I’ve had – I’ve had it. Obviously, you’reimplying something about my sexuality and I – I – I -Why don’t you just come right out and say it?

Norm Macdonald: No, I’m not implyin’ anything.I’m talkin’ about Whitewater. I’m not implyin’anything. Why don’t you just go over some of your fakenews and I’ll finish up here?

Kevin Nealon: No, no, no, I don’t – don’t thinkso, pal. Just say what you have to say to my face. Bea man.

Norm Macdonald: I am a man. I’m a man. Iam a man. I am a man. I’m just sayin’ that, uh… you’re kinda that way, right? I mean, there’snothin’ wrong with it but you’re, you know, youprefer your own gender, that’s all. You –partake of the love that dare not speak itsname, right? … That’s all right. That’s noproblem. I mean, you find the idea of being with awoman abhorrent to your very core. That’s okay.You know, you’re homosexual, right? You’re gay. Imean, you’re – you’re – you’re a gay man,right?

Kevin Nealon: No.

Norm Macdonald: [amused] No? Methinks thou dothprotest too much. …

Kevin Nealon: Look, why don’t you justleave?

Norm Macdonald: Fine with me!

Kevin Nealon: Norm Macdonald,everybody.

[Cheers and applause as Kevin shakes his head sadlyand watches Norm roll off.]

Kevin Nealon: Well, the annular eclipse of thesun is over. You may once again stare directly at thesun. …

New York Governor Mario Cuomo was left speechless at aconference when a businesswoman proclaimed that shewas imagining him naked. The woman then shocked Cuomofurther by filing sexual harassment charges….

[Photo of Hillary Clinton wearing a hat and make-upthat makes her look uncannily like Jack Nicholson inthe film “Batman”] And the Joker is back at it againin Gotham. … [applause]

[Logo of the American Automobile Association] Well,the triple-A of New York celebrated its ninety-secondanniversary this week. As a surprise, they called inall their tow truck drivers for a big party. Thedrivers said they’d be there right away, then showedup three hours later. …

Startling new evidence suggests the Girl from Ipanemawas actually short and pale and old and homely….

In other news, according to the FBI, the overall crimerate in the United States dropped by three percentlast year. Experts attribute the drop to an extendedEuropean tour – [photo of smiling rap artist] – byTupac Shakur. …

Spike Lee’s “Crooklyn” opened yesterday. Reviews wereso positive, Lee announced plans for a sequel — “TheCronx.” …

This just in. Fabio has officially entered hisfourteenth minute of fame. … Congratulations, Fabio.[applause]

[Kevin glances at side by side photos of “HawaiiFive-O” actor Jack Lord and singer-songwriter JamesTaylor] Lord and Taylor. …

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a song for thesummer, is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler.Adam?

[Big cheers and applause as we pan over to a smilingAdam Sandler in cap, T-shirt and flannel shirt,holding his acoustic guitar.]

Adam Sandler: How ya doin’? Thank you. Allright. Well, uh, thank you. Um, summer, for me growin’up, always meant one thing — fallin’ in love. And,uh, as we all know, love doesn’t always work out. Butwhat keeps us goin’ is the hope that someday it will.Here’s a little song about that.

[plays guitar and croons along wordlessly beforesinging the song in his usual high-pitchedvoice]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Summer of ’68, we’d walk on the beach and watch thesea gulls fly.
Sunlight in her hair, her eyes were bluer than thesummer sky.
She’d hold me in her arms and tell me everything wouldbe all right.

But why’d she have to be my mother? …
Why’d she have to be married to my dad? …
Why’d she have to be my mother?
We could have been so much more
But she said it was best if we were just friends….
Oh Summer Love!

Summer of ’71 — my second love — we met on the fieldbehind the school.
We used to play all the day in the sun, no one evermade me feel that cool.
I’ll never forget the way she looked in those silkyshorts that day.

But why’d she have to be my gym teacher? …
Why’d she have to be fifty-one years old? …
Why’d she have to be my gym teacher?
I said I wanted to play flag football with her forever
But she told me I should see the school psychologist….
Oh Summer Love!

In 1981, I fell for Princess Di.
In ’82, it was a lady rabbi.
In ’83, it was the drummer from Air Supply.
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME – HE TOLD ME ALIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[spoken, deep voice] Summer Love!

[high-pitched crooning]
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[Brief cut to the audience where Pedro’s partnerCaptain Jim sits and, with two thumbs up, sings to thecamera:]

Captain Jim: [sings, deep voice] SummerLove! …

[Back to Sandler at the WU desk:]

Adam Sandler: [sings]
Summer of ’94 is comin’ fast and I don’t want to spendit alone.
I’ve made some mistakes when I was young, but I’mgonna put them behind me and pick up the phone.
And call the woman who I should have been goin’ outwith all along.

I’m gonna go out with my mother. …
I know what I said before but I think I can talk herinto it now. …
I’m gonna go out with my mother!
I’ll take her on a date to Burger King and this timeI’ll pay. …
Oh, Summer Love!!!!

[song ends, spoken] Have a good summer,everybody!

[Huge cheers and applause. Sandler waves.]

Kevin Nealon: Adam Sandler, ladies andgentlemen.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

Kevin Nealon: Good stuff, good stuff.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

[Sandler rolls off, the crowd stillapplauding.]

Kevin Nealon: [after the crowd quiets] Hismother is pretty hot. …

On the reproductive front, researchers say the numberone cause of pregnancy is sex. … Interesting,interesting. The number two cause is sex ten minuteslater. …

According to a study by the National Academy ofSciences, queen bees are born with the ability to giveaccurate directions. However, male worker bees refuseto ask for them. … [loud cheers from a few womenplus some applause]

[Photo of people holding large cardboard boxes thatenclose their heads] The country’s first singles barfor really ugly people opened this week. …

And, finally, the state of Minnesota has banned thenew beer called “Crazy Horse Malt Liquor” because itsname offends native Americans. The Brooklyn-basedbusiness says this will have no impact on their newline of flavored Manishevitz called “Jew Brew.”…

I’m Kevin Nealon. Have a good summer. That’s news tome.

[Music. Cheers. Applause. Pull back. Fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

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