Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 1
[ open on two couples entering front room after looking at the baby in the baby’s room ]
Tom: Yooooou.. have such a beautiful baby!
Janene: Really, really beautiful!
Steve: Well, thank you!
Doris: Aw, that’s so nice!
Janene: It’s incredibly beautiful!
Tom: Really beautiful.
Janene: Much more beautiful than our baby. Don’t you think, honey?
Tom: Ohhhh, yeah… a hundred times more beautiful than our baby.
Steve: What are you talking about! You have a beautiful baby, too!
Doris: You.. have an adorable baby.
Janene: Thank you for saying that.. but I know that our baby’s just.. not as beautiful as yours.
Tom: I blame myself.
Janene: Honey! Honey, don’t. I’m the one who wanted to have the baby in the first place.
Steve: Will you two knock it off? There’s nothing wrong with your baby’s looks! Now, what do you want to drink?
Janene: Scotch, neat.
Tom: Nothing for me, thanks. I’m driving, and.. drinking and driving is bad.
Janene: Nowww.. will your baby sleep right through the night?
Doris: [ with great elation ] Y-yeah! We’ve been pretty lucky!
Janene: [ breaking into tears and hysterics ] Our baby’s- What is wrong with our baby?!
Tom: God.. we have an ugly baby who doesn’t sleep through the night! I blame myself!
Janene: Well, how many times does your baby get up during the night?
Doris: Once.. maybe twice..
Tom: [ shaking his head ] I blame myself..
Steve: A lot of babies do that, that’s very common!
Janene: Oh, really? Common? As in: average, middle-grove.. not special like your baby?
Steve: I never said that!
Tom: Does your baby have any teeth?
Doris: Tom, don’t..
Tom: Doris, I need to know.. does your baby have any teeth?
Doris: [ hesitant ] Yes.
Janene: [ crying ] Our baby’s a toothless freak!
Tom: I blame myself..
Doris: You guys have gotta stop being so hard on yourselves!
Steve: Yeah! Every baby develops at a different pace!
Janene: Oh, that’s so easy for you to say, because you’re winning, aren’t you?!
Doris: [ in disbelief ] Winning?!
Tom: I blame myself.
Steve: This isn’t a competition!
Janene: Oh. ..Said the winner!
Tom: [ slams his drink on the coffee table ] Maybe us losers should go home to our ugly baby that doesn’t have any teeth!
Janene: Yeah! It’s probably waking up around now, anyway!
Doris: [ outraged ] Oh, come on! Don’t be like that!
Janene: Like what? Sore losers?
Doris: I didn’t say that..
Janene: You implied it.
Tom: Your baby’s better than our baby! Is that what you wanted to hear?! YOUR BABY’S BETTER THAN OUR BABY!!!
Janene: Okay.. okay.. now, look, you see? Are you happy now? Are you happy? You’ve gotten what you wanted! Can we go home now, please?!
Tom: I blame myself..[ they exit ]
Steve: Let ’em go, honey, it’s okay, it’s okay..
Doris: Wow! I didn’t know they were gonna be like that!
Steve: That’s okay.. we’ll meet another couple with a baby.
Doris: [ chuckles ] Not with a baby that ugly!
Steve: Yeah! Our baby did look great next to that thing they call a baby!
Doris: Amen![ fade ]