SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Baby Competition

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Baby Competition

Tom…..Chris Farley
Doris…..Laura Kightlinger
Steve…..Steve Martin
Janene…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on two couples entering front room after looking at the baby in the baby’s room ]

Tom: Yooooou.. have such a beautiful baby!

Janene: Really, really beautiful!

Steve: Well, thank you!

Doris: Aw, that’s so nice!

Janene: It’s incredibly beautiful!

Doris: Oh..

Tom: Really beautiful.

Janene: Much more beautiful than our baby. Don’t you think, honey?

Tom: Ohhhh, yeah… a hundred times more beautiful than our baby.

Steve: What are you talking about! You have a beautiful baby, too!

Doris: You.. have an adorable baby.

Janene: Thank you for saying that.. but I know that our baby’s just.. not as beautiful as yours.

Tom: I blame myself.

Janene: Honey! Honey, don’t. I’m the one who wanted to have the baby in the first place.

Steve: Will you two knock it off? There’s nothing wrong with your baby’s looks! Now, what do you want to drink?

Janene: Scotch, neat.

Tom: Nothing for me, thanks. I’m driving, and.. drinking and driving is bad.

Janene: Nowww.. will your baby sleep right through the night?

Doris: [ with great elation ] Y-yeah! We’ve been pretty lucky!

Janene: [ breaking into tears and hysterics ] Our baby’s- What is wrong with our baby?!

Tom: God.. we have an ugly baby who doesn’t sleep through the night! I blame myself!

Janene: Well, how many times does your baby get up during the night?

Doris: Once.. maybe twice..

Tom: [ shaking his head ] I blame myself..

Steve: A lot of babies do that, that’s very common!

Janene: Oh, really? Common? As in: average, middle-grove.. not special like your baby?

Steve: I never said that!

Tom: Does your baby have any teeth?

Doris: Tom, don’t..

Tom: Doris, I need to know.. does your baby have any teeth?

Doris: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Janene: [ crying ] Our baby’s a toothless freak!

Tom: I blame myself..

Doris: You guys have gotta stop being so hard on yourselves!

Steve: Yeah! Every baby develops at a different pace!

Janene: Oh, that’s so easy for you to say, because you’re winning, aren’t you?!

Doris: [ in disbelief ] Winning?!

Tom: I blame myself.

Steve: This isn’t a competition!

Janene: Oh. ..Said the winner!

Tom: [ slams his drink on the coffee table ] Maybe us losers should go home to our ugly baby that doesn’t have any teeth!

Janene: Yeah! It’s probably waking up around now, anyway!

Doris: [ outraged ] Oh, come on! Don’t be like that!

Janene: Like what? Sore losers?

Doris: I didn’t say that..

Janene: You implied it.

Tom: Your baby’s better than our baby! Is that what you wanted to hear?! YOUR BABY’S BETTER THAN OUR BABY!!!

Janene: Okay.. okay.. now, look, you see? Are you happy now? Are you happy? You’ve gotten what you wanted! Can we go home now, please?!

Tom: I blame myself..

[ they exit ]

Steve: Let ’em go, honey, it’s okay, it’s okay..

Doris: Wow! I didn’t know they were gonna be like that!

Steve: That’s okay.. we’ll meet another couple with a baby.

Doris: [ chuckles ] Not with a baby that ugly!

Steve: Yeah! Our baby did look great next to that thing they call a baby!

Doris: Amen!

[ fade ]

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