SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Baby Competition


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Baby Competition

Tom…..Chris Farley
Doris…..Laura Kightlinger
Steve…..Steve Martin
Janene…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on two couples entering front room after looking at the baby in the baby’s room ]

Tom: Yooooou.. have such a beautiful baby!

Janene: Really, really beautiful!

Steve: Well, thank you!

Doris: Aw, that’s so nice!

Janene: It’s incredibly beautiful!

Doris: Oh..

Tom: Really beautiful.

Janene: Much more beautiful than our baby. Don’t you think, honey?

Tom: Ohhhh, yeah… a hundred times more beautiful than our baby.

Steve: What are you talking about! You have a beautiful baby, too!

Doris: You.. have an adorable baby.

Janene: Thank you for saying that.. but I know that our baby’s just.. not as beautiful as yours.

Tom: I blame myself.

Janene: Honey! Honey, don’t. I’m the one who wanted to have the baby in the first place.

Steve: Will you two knock it off? There’s nothing wrong with your baby’s looks! Now, what do you want to drink?

Janene: Scotch, neat.

Tom: Nothing for me, thanks. I’m driving, and.. drinking and driving is bad.

Janene: Nowww.. will your baby sleep right through the night?

Doris: [ with great elation ] Y-yeah! We’ve been pretty lucky!

Janene: [ breaking into tears and hysterics ] Our baby’s- What is wrong with our baby?!

Tom: God.. we have an ugly baby who doesn’t sleep through the night! I blame myself!

Janene: Well, how many times does your baby get up during the night?

Doris: Once.. maybe twice..

Tom: [ shaking his head ] I blame myself..

Steve: A lot of babies do that, that’s very common!

Janene: Oh, really? Common? As in: average, middle-grove.. not special like your baby?

Steve: I never said that!

Tom: Does your baby have any teeth?

Doris: Tom, don’t..

Tom: Doris, I need to know.. does your baby have any teeth?

Doris: [ hesitant ] Yes.

Janene: [ crying ] Our baby’s a toothless freak!

Tom: I blame myself..

Doris: You guys have gotta stop being so hard on yourselves!

Steve: Yeah! Every baby develops at a different pace!

Janene: Oh, that’s so easy for you to say, because you’re winning, aren’t you?!

Doris: [ in disbelief ] Winning?!

Tom: I blame myself.

Steve: This isn’t a competition!

Janene: Oh. ..Said the winner!

Tom: [ slams his drink on the coffee table ] Maybe us losers should go home to our ugly baby that doesn’t have any teeth!

Janene: Yeah! It’s probably waking up around now, anyway!

Doris: [ outraged ] Oh, come on! Don’t be like that!

Janene: Like what? Sore losers?

Doris: I didn’t say that..

Janene: You implied it.

Tom: Your baby’s better than our baby! Is that what you wanted to hear?! YOUR BABY’S BETTER THAN OUR BABY!!!

Janene: Okay.. okay.. now, look, you see? Are you happy now? Are you happy? You’ve gotten what you wanted! Can we go home now, please?!

Tom: I blame myself..

[ they exit ]

Steve: Let ’em go, honey, it’s okay, it’s okay..

Doris: Wow! I didn’t know they were gonna be like that!

Steve: That’s okay.. we’ll meet another couple with a baby.

Doris: [ chuckles ] Not with a baby that ugly!

Steve: Yeah! Our baby did look great next to that thing they call a baby!

Doris: Amen!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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