Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 1
94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton
The O.J. Simpson Trial
Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Judge Ito…..Mike Myers
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
Miss Osbourne…..Ellen Cleghorne
Kato Kaelin…..David Spade
…..Brian Austin Green
A.C. Cowlings…..Tim Meadows
[ open on Court TV logo, dissolve to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: Good eveinng, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. Well.. this was it. The first week, in what will certainly be the most watched, most talked about murder trial in United States history. It began, as expected, with a motion by Defense to dismiss all charges against Mr. Simpson. Here, the Prosecution responds:
[ dissolve to Judge Ito’s courtoom ]
Marcia Clark: Your honor, the evidence against the defendent is clear.. and indisputable. It can lead to one conclusion, and one conclusion only, and that is that the defendent, O.J. Simpson, is guilty.
[ close-up on O.J.’s face, as he grimaces at the thought of being guilty ]
Marcia Clark: First of all, there’s the bloody glove found on the defendent’s property.. [ O.J. grimaces ] The testimony of the limo driver, which contradicts the defendent’s alibi.. [ O.J. grimaces ] The DNA test, which connect the defendent to droplets of blood found at the crime scene.. [ O.J. grimaces ]
Judge Ito: Counselor, uh.. what about the DNA results for the blood on the Bronco?
Marcia Clark: Well, that, so far, is inconclusive.. [ O.J. smiles ] But, according to the tests, the hair found at the crime scene does match that of the defendent’s. [ O.J. grimaces ] And now, at this time, your Honor, I’d like to move to adjourn.
Judge Ito: Very well. It’s been a long day, so, uh.. we can all go home, and the, uh.. defendnet can return to his cell.. [ O.J. grimaces ] Which, I understand, is being repainted today. [ O.J. smiles ] Although, there will be some paint fumes for the next few days. [ O.J. grimaces ]
Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, if it pleases the court?
Judge Ito: Mr. Shapiro.
Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, we’re all very hungry. The defense would like to suggest, before we adjourn, we all order out for a pizza.
Judge Ito: Uh.. the answer that I give, Counselor, uh.. can it be something with vegetables, like broccoli?
Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, how about half-broccoli, half-sausage?
Marcia Clark: No, Your Honor, if it please the court.. uh.. the prosecution would ask that, in place of broccoli and sausage, that we order a four-cheese pizza.
[ looks of confusion are exchanged throughout the courtroom ]
[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: The following day, jury selection began. And, from the tone of attorney Robert Shapiro’s questions, it appears that Defense intends to play the “race card”.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]
Robert Shapiro: Miss Osbourne, do you believe that a person of color can possibly achieve a fair trial in this profoundly racist society?
Miss Osbourne: No, I do not.
Robert Shapiro: And would you say the defendent’s only real crime was being a black man in white America?
Miss Osbourne: Yes, I would.
Robert Shapiro: Now, Miss Osbourne, have you ever seen the tape of Rodney King being beaten by white police officers?
Miss Osbourne: Many times.
Robert Shapiro: And don’t you think that.. a great way to even the score for the Rodney King beating would be to acquit Mr. Simpson of all charges?
Miss Osbourne: Yes, I do!
Robert Shapiro: I have no problem with this juror, your Honor.
Marcia Clark: [ interrupting ] Uh.. move to dismiss this juror.
Robert Shapiro: Oh, come on!
[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: Later that same afternoon, we saw another of those one-in-a-million coincidences that have been a hallmark of this case.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Kato Kaelin at the stand ]
Marcia Clark: Would you state your name, please?
Kato Kaelin: Brian “Kato” Kaelin.
Marcia Clark: So you are the Kato Kaelin?
Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yeah.
Marcia Clark: And you are here because you received a notice to appear for jury duty?
Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yes, ma’am.
Marcia Clark: And you were assigned to ,i>this case?
Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yeah.
Marcia Clark: And you didn’t think there might be a potential conflict?
Kato Kaelin: Uh.. hey, I go where I’m told!
Marcia Clark: You Honor. Please.
Kato Kaelin: Hey, hey, can I say something, you guys? Is this gonna be a long trial? Because I’m shooting, uh.. an “Acapulco Heat” TV show next week.
Marcia Clark: Uh.. Mr. Kaelin, I don’t think there’s much chance that you’re gonna serve on this jury.
Kato Kaelin: Cool.
[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: Later that afternoon, Kato Kaelin was back in court. This time with friend Brian Austin-Green, from “Beverly Hills 90210”.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Kato Kaelin entering the courtroom with Brian Austin-Green and other friends ]
Kato Kaelin: You guys! This is the courtroom from when we had the trial! Okay? See where that guy is up there. [ points across the courtroom ] That’s where I testified. And that’s the prosecution, and, uh.. that guy’s Judge Ito.. and there’s O.J.! [ waving ] Hey, dude! What’s up, dude!
Babe: Wow.. there’s a lot of people in here!
Kato Kaelin: Yeahhhhh!
Judge Ito: Uh, Mr. Kaelin? We are in the middle of a court proceeding.
Kato Kaelin: I’m sorry, uh.. Judge Ito – Kristin, Jennifer.. Brian Austin-Green – Judge I-to!
Brian Austin-Green: How you doing?
Judge Ito: How do you do? Uh, Mr. Kaelin.. this is a courtroom. Please sit down and be quiet.
Kato Kaelin: I’m sorry. Okay. [ sits ?? ]
Judge Ito: Not there.
[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: But the real fireworks came on Friday, when long-time Simpson associate Al Cowlins finally took the stand.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, A.C. Cowlings at the stand ]
Marcia Clark: Would you state your name, please?
A.C. Cowlings: [ yelling each time he’s asked a question ] I’m A.C.! You know who I am, dammit!!
Marcia Clark: Alright, I.. would you tell us your full address, please?
A.C. Cowlings: 2-1-3 Willowcox!! You know where I live, dammit!
Marcia Clark: Uh.. Mr. Cowlings! We’re in a court of law! There’s no reason to shout!
A.C. Cowlings: I KNOW there’s no reason to SHOUT, dammit!! I’m A.C.!
Marcia Clark: No further questions!
[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: Finally, the week ended with Robert Shapiro’s meticulous questioning of the Simpson team’s own DNA expert.
[ dissolve back to the courtroom, A.C. Cowlings still at the stand ]
Robert Shapiro: For those of us who are layman’s, Mr. Cowlings, would you please explain.. what DNA is?A.C. Cowlings: [ yelling ] You KNOW what DNA IS, dammit!! It’s genetic information encoded on a double-helix!!
Robert Shapiro: Now, Mr. Cowlings, may I remind you we are on the same side?
A.C. Cowlings: I know..
Robert Shapiro: So, will you tell us what a double-helix is?
A.C. Cowlings: You KNOW what a double-helix is, dammit!! It’s DNA!! I’m A.C.!! AWWWW, man!!
[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: At that point, Judge Ito called a recess, to allow prosector Marcia Clark to make it to the Viper Room in time to hear Kato Kaelin and Johnny Depp’s new band. I’m Terry moran for Court TV.
[ dissolve to Court TV logo, fade ]
