SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/94: Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream

…..Steve Martin
Bob Hillets…..Chris Elliot
Dave Marcus…..Kevin Nealon

Steve Martin: Hi, I’m Steve Martin. With so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. That’s why I’m proud to put my name on.. Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. Try my new beauty cream, and in a matter of weeks your penis will be looking smoother and softer, the way women like it. And because of the new formula no more scaling. Here’s how it works:

Just take a small amount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half-hour. You’ll notice a difference right away. And, don’t worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Bob, tell us, how has my Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula helped you?

Bob Hillets: Well, Steve, I’m in real estate, and if I’m not confident, I can’t do my job.

Steve Martin: And you can’t feel confident unless your manhood is smooth and soft, right?

Bob Hillets: Exactly! If I’m thinking about my appearance, I’m not thinking about selling houses. The day I started using Steve’s cream, I sold three houses. Now, I have more energy than before, my confidence is sky-high, I just got my pilot’s license, and next week I’m flying solo from L.A. to Tahoe with nothing onboard except two jars of your cream.

Steve Martin: That’s great!

Bob Hillets: Well, the best part, Steve, is that now I can throw away all those cans of turtle wax.

Steve Martin: Our next guest actually started using my new cream by accident. Isn’t that right, Dave?

Dave Marcus: That’s right, Steve. I thought it was for something else.

Steve Martin: And now that you’ve been using the product, how have you found it?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve.. I’ve found I have a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis than I ever had with other beauty creams, probably because it’s the first beauty lotion made especially for the johnson. I’ll tell you – if I could afford it, I would use your cream 24 hours a day.

Steve Martin: And, is your wife more attracted to you now that you’ve been using my cream?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve, my wife recently left me, But before she did, she told me, “I hope you and your Steve Martin’s Beauty Cream will be very happy.

Steve Martin: Well, that’s a lovely tribute! Thank you, Dave. Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. You know it’s safe. Why? Because it’s tested on animals. And, if you order by mail, don’t worry – it’s shipped in a plain brown wrapper with the words “Not Penis Cream” stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today, and remember, it’s the only cream with a picture of my penis on it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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