Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
… Laura Kightlinger
Gil Graham … Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits atthe WU desk removing the paper clip from hiswell-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald![Applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now — the fake news. …
Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed thatmystery envelope to be opened — and it appearsSimpson may already have won ten million dollars….
Haitian general Raul Cedras, who will be stepping downin two weeks, held a hasty garage sale of someknick-knacks he’d acquired while in office. [Photoof a mounted collection of skulls. Mild reaction fromcrowd.] … You’re big fans of the Haitian strongman,are ya? …
Another breakthrough in the Middle East. Arab andIsraeli negotiators, workingthrough the night, accidentally resolved the baseballstrike.
[Photo of documentarian Ken Burns with his trademarkdorky haircut] And filmmaker Ken Burns announced that,following his “Baseball” series, his next documentaryproject will be a twelve hour, eight part “History ofthe Dorky Haircut.” …
Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirsthis month. Readers wereshocked by her revelation that, while living at theWhite House, she had sexwith former President George Bush. …
And now, with a commentary, here is Weekend Updatecorrespondent Laura Kightlinger. Laura? [Applause aswe pan over to Laura.]
Laura Kightlinger: Thanks, Norm. You know, Ithink it’s important to stop and pay attention to whatlife can teach you. I was fired from a job recentlyand I think whenever something ends in your life,whether it be a relationship or a job, there’s alwaysa message. And that is: “You’re no good. No one needsyou.” Now, what surprised me most about being firedwas that everyone said the same thing to console me:”You know, everything happens for a reason.” And astrite as that sounds, I think it’s better to hear itout loud because when you hear it in your own head, itsounds like “You know, anything can happen with arazor.” …
Now, you can’t anticipate a life lesson — it justhappens to you. I was driving through Pennsylvania andI stopped at a gas station. There were about eightcars waiting for service so I went into the gasstation to see what the heck was going on and therewas shattered glass everywhere and an empty cashregister on the floor. Finally, I found the attendantin the bathroom stall. His arms and legs were tied atthe back of the toilet. He had an oily rag stuffed inhis mouth and a bullet through the back of his head.And I said to myself, “My God! How could he do that tohimself?” … His business was booming! And then Irealized — the attendant had a fear of success. …And that was a lesson that I needed to learn.
You know, two months ago, a man in Spain had areligious experience. He saw the hand of the statue ofthe Jesus bleeding. And a week later, a girl in Italysaw the Virgin Mary crying. And I’m happy to tell you,I’ve had a religious experience myself. I was at theBob’s Big Boy in Paramus, New Jersey … and Iactually saw liquid rust coming out of the butt of theBig Boy icon. … And when it happens to you, it’slike, “Well, all right, there’s something out there.”And, doggone it, that’s my point — there issomething out there. It’s all there for us. All wehave to do — is see it.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, Laura. [Politeapplause.]
Laura Kightlinger: Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Laura Kightlinger.
Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest knownhuman ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Althoughunearthed only days ago, he is already engaged toAnna Nicole Smith.
The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, wascrowned last week in Atlantic City. Althoughcompletely deaf, she is an expert lip reader.Personally, [Norm covers his mouth with his hand] Idon’t think she’s that pretty, y’know? I, uh– … Not… [applause] Not my cup of tea. …
Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo ofblues artist RobertJohnson to help dignify the musician in a new stampthey’ve issued in hishonor. [Before and after photos of bluesman RobertJohnson, with and without cigarette] This isn’t thefirst time the post office has altered a photograph.In fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp[Photo of stamp with young Elvis Presley singing intomicrophone] was based on this photo [Same image butwith microphone replaced by a huge sandwich] … Kingenjoying a hoagie!
A recent consumer poll shows that “Hershey” isAmerica’s favorite company,while “Philip Morris” is America’s least favorite. Inthe middle — thecompany that makes chocolate cigarettes. … Right inthe middle.
A South African professor claims that the Shroud ofTurin was created inthe Middle Ages, using techniques similar tophotography. Backing up his claimis the recent unearthing of a two-thousand-year-old”Your Face On A Shroud”concession booth. …
Last month, an eighty year old Albuquerque woman wasawarded over two million dollars in damages fromMcDonald’s after she spilled some of their coffee inher lap and suffered severe burns. As a result,McDonald’s this week has put a warning label on itscoffee cups that read: “Caution: Do you think you canmanage to avoid pouring it directly on your crotchthis time, you senile old hag? … Think you canmanage that, huh?” … [applause]
And “The Shawshank Redemption” picked up the New YorkFilm Festival’s covetedaward for the stupidest movie title.
And now, here with this summer’s concert reviews, isour very own rock and roll correspondent Gil Graham!Gil? Welcome.[Applause as we pan over to oily, bespectacled rockfan Gil Graham who wears a colorful Led Zeppelin shirtand speaks with an intense half-whisper.]
Gil Graham: Thanks, Norm. Well, it was a longsummer so let’s dispense with the preliminaries andget to the rock and roll.
June 17th, Toronto’s Exhibition Stadium. That’s right,the Rolling Stones are back and yours truly had thebest seats in the house. I had a date but she pulledthe old no-show. So I walked over to a kick-asstailgate party to see if anyone wanted the extraticket. Well, it turns out they wanted both tickets.They beat me without mercy for what seemed like aneternity. … I woke up two hours later in a parkinglot dumpster just in time to hear the Stones’ rockin’encore, “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” … The acoustics in thedumpster were phenomenal. … All I could hear was thebass but, take it from me, that new bass player canslap a funky one. … So all you Stones fans outthere, I advise you to do the Harlem shuffle to yournearest Ticketmaster.
July 8th, Giants Stadium, “Hell Freezes Over,” theEagles reunite. I did not attend this concert. I gavemy tickets to two fourteen year old girls who promisedto send me two thousand dollars. … Ladies, I’m stillwaiting for my money. …
August 1st, Foxboro Stadium, Pink Floyd, “Ready toRock.” Bought tickets from a scalper. … Turned outto be stubs from a Molly Hatchet concert in 1974. …I pointed out the scalper’s mistake and he threw medown a flight of stairs. …
Next stop, August 14th, Saugerties, New York. That’sright, folks, Woodstock II. It was a celebration ofpeace, love and understanding. Except for this oneguy. … He snatched my backstage passes and locked meinside a Port-a-Potty. … Then he tipped it over and,just my luck, it landed door-side down. … There wasno gettin’ out. But that didn’t prevent me fromrockin’ out to Blind Melon as I enjoyed my own privatemosh pit. … Aerosmith was just about to go on when Ifelt the Port-a-Potty start to move. I realized I wassliding down a mud-slicked hill, just before thePort-a-Potty slammed into a barbecue and caught fire…. I could hear Joe Perry whaling away on “SweetEmotion” as I struggled to free myself from my flamingtomb. … When I woke up in the hospital, I said tomyself — actually, I thought to myself sincemy lips were burnt shut … — “Woodstock once everytwenty-five years? Count me in!”
Back to you, Norm, and, in the words of the Stones, “Iknow it’s only rock and roll but I like it!” …[applause, Norm shakes Gil’s hand]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, buddy.
Gil Graham: All right, baby! [acknowledgesapplause with a nod and exits by scooting off on hisswivel chair.]
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler–Gil Graham, it was– I’m sorry, Gil Graham. … Looksa bit like Adam Sandler. … Take off that wig and thefunny shirt, you know? Dead ringer for Sandler….
In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer isfighting his execution onconstitutional grounds. He claims that, if he ishanged, his head will becompletely torn from his body, which would amount to”cruel and unusualpunishment.” Now, having your head completely tornfrom your body is cruel,I’ll grant you, but is it really that unusual?…
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany,where his latest album sold five million copies thisweek — which once again proves my theory: Germanslove David Hasselhoff. …
A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long IslandExpressway yesterday.Hundreds of chickens crossed the road but nobody’sbeen able to figure outwhy. …
And that’s all for now. Good night and good luck.[Applause. Music. Norm grins and shuffles his unrulypile of papers.]