Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 2
Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Ms. Motleroy…..Janene Garafalo
Judge Ito…..Mike Myers
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
Mona Lisa Vito…..Marisa Tomei
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Terry Moran: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. Today’s action saw the prosecution trying to place Mr. Simpson at the scene of the crime.[ dissolve to Judge Ito’s courtroom, as Marcia Clark questions a witness ]
Marcia Clark: So, Miss Motleroy can you tell us what you saw?
Ms. Motleroy: Yes. I looked out my window and saw a white Ford Bronco speeding away from Nicole Simpson’s home.
Marcia Clark: Hmm. And you’re sure it was the same white Ford Bronco that belongs to Mr. Simpson?
Ms. Motleroy: Oh, yeah.
Marcia Clark: Hmm. No more questions, your Honor.[ the witness steps down from the stand ]
Judge Ito: Uhhh.. Mr. Shapiro?
Robert Shapiro: [ leaning over Marcia Clark ] This is gonna knock your socks off.. [ approaches the bench ] Your Honor, at this time the defense would like to call, as a rebuttal witness.. Miss Mona Lisa Vito![ Mona Lisa Vito, from “My Cousin Vinny” takes the stand ]
Judge Ito: Uhh.. uh, Mr. Shapiro, this person is not on the witness list.
Robert Shapiro: Well, your Honor, Miss Vito is an expert on automobiles. And she has testified at many a murder trial.
Judge Ito: Uh, uh.. is this true, Miss Vito?
Mona Lisa Vito: It’s true.
Judge Ito: Uh, very well, uh.. Bailiff?[ Bailff approaches Mona Lisa Vito ]
Bailiff: Raise your right hand. [ Mona Lisa Vito raises her right hand ] Do you swear to tell the truth, thw whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Mona Lisa Vito: Yea. [ sits ]
Robert Shapiro: Now, Miss Vito. You heard Miss ?? testify that she saw Mr. Simpson’s white Bronco leaving the scene of the crime. Now.. tell us, is it possible, that, uh.. Mr. Simpson’s is the only white Bronco in the state of California?
Mona Lisa Vito: No! Not by a long shot!
Robert Shapiro: Soo, the Bronco is a popluar car?
Mona Lisa Vito: It is by far the most popular pur-chased off-road utility vehicle in the Los Angeles area. And.. it’s a particular favorite of Hollywood sleazebags. Excuse my language, your Honor!
Judge Ito: [ smitten ] That’s quite alright, Miss Vito. You’re absolutely enchanting!
Robert Shapiro: Now, Miss Vito, the prosecution has matched the Defendant’s blood type with blood found at the murder site. But these tests rule out only 99.5% of the population. That still leaves almost 100,000 people in the state of California, whose blood type matches Mr. Simpson’s.
Mona Lisa Vito: That’s a lot of people!
Judge Ito: [ guffawing uproariously ]
Marcia Clark: Objection, your Honor!
Judge Ito: Very funny, uh.. very funny – overruled!
Marcia Clark: Your Honor, you are fawning all over the witness!
Judge Ito: Y-yeah, I heard.. and it’s overruled, okay? [ to Mona Lisa Vito ] Did you know that our last names rhyme? Vito and Ito?[ they share the laugh ]
Mona Lisa Vito: You are adorable!
Robert Shapiro: Miss Vito, if I can tear you away.. Given the popularity of the Bronco, isn’t it poosible that one of those 100,000 Californians could own a white full-sized Ford Bronco?
Mona Lisa Vito: Absolutely.
Robert Shapiro: You’d think so. But no. Of all the people who own white Broncos registered in this state, not one of them had Mr. Simpson’s blood type. [ a beat ] Go-od, we looked! Just nothing! Soooo.. wouldn’t you say, Miss Vito, that the defense has no case?
Mona Lisa Vito: Not necessarily..
Robert Shapiro: Not necessarily?
Mona Lisa Vito: Instead of a Bronco, the witness might have seen a 1993 Chevy Blaszer – and thought it was a Bronco.
Robert Shapiro: [ playing dumb ] But I don’t understa-and.. How could a person mistake a Chevy Blazer.. for a Ford Bronco?
Mona Lisa Vito: Would you like me to explain?
Robert Shapiro: Y-yes, I would!
Judge Ito: So would I, Miss Vito!
Mona Lisa Vito: Well.. a ’93 Blazer, and a ’93 Bronco look exactly alike. Both have identical fiberglass shells body-mounted on the rea-ah of the truck.. both have 105″ wheel base and spare tires mounted on a spring-arm on the rea-ah end of the truck.
Judge Ito: [ wistfully ] You know, I was thinking about buying a new car.. Maybe, uh.. you could give me a little help?
Marcia Clark: Objection!
Judge Ito: [ furious ] SHUT UP, MISS CLARRRK!! [Marcia Clark is stunned, as Judge Ito returns his gaze to Mona Lisa Vito ] I’m sorry, Miss Vito. You were saying?
Mona Lisa Vito: [ continuing ] Both cars look alike, but that’s not all. Both have twin i-beam front suspension, and limited slip differential.
Robert Shapiro: Front and rear?
Mona Lisa Vito: Front and rea-ah!
Judge Ito: Could you say “rear” again, Miss Vito? [ blushing ] It’s very cute!
Mona Lisa Vito: [ smiling ] Of course, your Honor! Rea-ah!
Judge Ito: [ well pleased ] Thank you!
Robert Shapiro: So.. Miss Vito.. is it your expert opinion.. that a Chevy Blazer could be easily mistaken for a Ford Bronco?
Mona Lisa Vito: Yes.. it is.
Robert Shapiro: Now.. what if I told you.. there was a retired school administrator in San Jose, California – Mrs. Irene Macchiovelli – whose blood type matches O.J. Simpson’s?
Mona Lisa Vito: You don’t say. What kind of car does she drive?
Robert Shapiro: [ revved up ] She drives.. an ’84 Honda Civic. BUT! Her nephew.. in Sacramento.. drives a 1993 white Chevy Blazer.
Mona Lisa Vito: [ excited ] Full-sized?!
Robert Shapiro: Full-sized!
Mona Lisa Vito: Your Honor! There’s your reasonable doubt!
Judge Ito: Well, I can’t argue with that! [ chuckles ] Case dismissed! [ slams gavel ] Mr. Sipson is a free man![ triumphant music, as O.J. Simpson relishes in his victory ] [ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: So, an eventful day of testimony at the O.J. Simpson trial. I guess that concludes our coverage of this case. you’ve been watching Court TV.[ fade ]