Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 2
Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken
Michael Jackson…..Tim Meadows
Lisa Marie Presley…..Marisa Tomei
Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.
Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.
Stuart Smalley: [To a mirror beside the couch.] I’m going to do a terrific show today, and I’m gonna help people, because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me. [Turns to audience.] Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley, and I thought I’d start today’s show by reading a letter, a little affirmation that came to me through the mail. “Dear Stuart, the last few months I’ve had the opportunity to watch your show regularly, and I really want to thank you for the show on anger. It helped me realize that I have a lot of inappropriate rage, and sometimes it comes out all sideways. With gratitude, O. J. S.” Isn’t that beautiful? Okay, I have a great show today. My guests are newlyweds, who have overcome severely dysfunctional backgrounds, to forge a beautiful, happy, healthy, loving, intimate relationship. Please welcome Michael J. and Lisa Marie P.
Stuart Smalley: Oh, that is . . that is just beautiful. Touching, lovely. Have a seat. Now, even though I used your initials to protect your anonymity, everyone pretty much knows who you are. Lisa, of course, is the daughter of the King, Elvis P., and Lisa, you look beautiful.
Lisa Marie Presley: Thank you. That must be because I’m so very much in love. [An awkward silence fills the room.] He has a monkey.
Stuart Smalley: Uh-huh. And Michael, of course, has been one of our hugest singing stars since his days with the Jackson F.
Michael Jackson: Stuart, Lisa Marie and I love your show. Sometimes we’ll just take a day off and lie in bed together and watch tapes of your show. That is, when we’re not doing the nasty.
Stuart Smalley: It is so rare to see a couple kids so head over heels in love with each other. You know, your marriage is a real inspiration. It gives all of us hope.
Lisa Marie Presley: We have a Ferris wheel on our front lawn.
Michael Jackson: Excuse me, Stuart. Girl, you wake up the devil in me.
Lisa Marie Presley: Yum, yum, gimme some.[The two kiss again.]
Stuart Smalley: Oh, that is just . . . I’m getting chills. Beautiful. Well, let’s get back to the triumphs over dysfunction. Lisa, I know this – I’m not telling you tales out of school when I say that your father was . . had a problem with drugs, and I think we all remember the report coming over the radio: Elvis Presley died today, straining at his stool. Lisa, how did that make you feel?
Lisa Marie Presley: Bad. He’s got the elephant man’s bones, or most of them!
Stuart Smalley: Uh-huh. Okay, but now you’ve overcome all that, you have this wonderful relationship. Let me ask you something, Lisa. You ever get a little jealous, you know, you’re walking around Hollywood, and you run into, you know, Brooke Shields?
Michael Jackson: Well, actually Brooke’s with Andre Agassi now. And believe you and me, Andre’s getting some fine lovin’.
Lisa Marie Presley: I met Macaulay Culkin.
Stuart Smalley: Okay. Now Michael, later you became addicted yourself to pain pills which you started using after the “Pepsi fire”.
Michael Jackson: But now I’m off the pills and I’m high on love. Girl?
Lisa Marie Presley: Yum, yum, gimme some![Once again, the couple begins to kiss.]
Stuart Smalley: Okay, please, I’m sorry, please stop. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I just thought that having you on the show would give me some hope, but now I’m just realizing that I’m never gonna find anyone as perfect for me as you are for each other. And let’s face it, I’m gonna die homeless and penniless. I’m 20 pounds overweight and no one will ever love me.
Michael Jackson: I’ll marry you.
Stuart Smalley: [stunned] What?
Michael Jackson: Huh? I mean, uh, Lisa?
Lisa Marie Presley: Yum, yum, gimme some![They start kissing.]
Stuart Smalley: Okay, I think the show’s over. It’s getting a little creepy. But that’s okay, because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and-
Lisa Marie Presley: You know what?
Stuart Smalley: What?
Lisa Marie Presley: He has a llama.
Announcer: This has been today’s “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”.
Submitted by: Leadcrow90